A Crappy Little Piece of Forever
by hmweasley
Summary: The Volturi are gone, and it's the start of the new year. Leah was giving it a month before her life fell apart again.
1. January

" _And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever." - Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer_

Chapter 1

 **January 1st, 2007**

I watched as the first rays of the sun peeked over the horizon. Technically, the new year had started hours ago, but this felt like the real beginning. Maybe I should have considered the Volturi's departure yesterday a new beginning of sorts, but it didn't feel like one. Don't get me wrong, I was just as relieved as everyone else to not have fought and died. A huge part of me hadn't expected to make it to 2007, which had put me into an odd sort of existential mood.

It didn't help that I'd rung in the year with sixteen rowdy guys, three lovestruck imprints (technically four, I suppose, but Claire was out by eight), and my mom and her new-ish boyfriend who I'd known my entire life. I wasn't feeling so great about this year's prospects. Dying would have been the easier route, but fate had proved it hated me.

I hated how negative I felt about it all. I wanted to be more positive, not that anyone believed me, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. Who wanted to be known as a bitch? But I was quite literally a bitch. I was in a fucking pack of wolves. The only bright side was that pack no longer included my ex-boyfriend.

Jake defying Sam was the highlight of my 2006. Or, rather, escaping my ex-boyfriend was the highlight of my 2006. I didn't have an enviable year.

"Leah."

I startled a bit even though I shouldn't have been snuck up on. I'd had my defenses down, not expecting anyone to be out here this early on New Year's Day. I turned to scowl at Embry as he sat down beside me. You'd think he'd realize that I wanted to be alone.

"Have you slept at all?" he asked.

I shook my head, turning back towards the sun.

"Who sleeps on New Year's?"

"Everyone eventually. I'm pretty sure we're the only two still awake."

"More than half of the pack is under fifteen. Of course they've all went to sleep."

Embry smiled. "Quil was the first one out."

I shrugged, forcing myself to appear amused.

"Quil might as well be five. That's why Fate gave him a three-year-old as an imprint."

"Honestly, I have to agree with you."

He said it like I should be surprised, but we all knew I spoke the truth the majority of the time. It's just that it was all comments others were too nice to say out loud. Even Paul most of the time. I had lost all patience with false pretenses.

"It would've been nice if Jake could have stopped talking about bringing Nessie to La Push for the first time tomorrow," I said.

If he was going to stay, we might as well talk. Embry adjusted the way he was sitting to be more comfortable on the hard, cold ground.

"Let him be excited. It'll be the first time she's been here, and you know how they all get about their imprints."

"It's pathetic."

Embry didn't respond, but I knew he agreed and didn't want to say so. It was another instance of me telling the truth that no one else would admit.

"Why are you out here, Leah?"

I wrinkled my nose at his question, especially the use of my name. Embry did that a lot. Insert my name into his sentences more than was normal in most conversations. It was weird.

"Isn't the new year a time for introspection?"

"Not out on a cliff before dawn."

"I think a cliff overlooking the vast, wide ocean is the perfect spot for it."

"It was pitch black not half an hour ago. The ocean wouldn't have been visible to humans."

"But I'm not a human, am I? You and I both know I could see it just fine."

I could also sense him pouting beside me without having to look at him.

"You know you're not the only one who feels like shit going into the new year, right?"

"Do regale me about your terrible misery, Embry. I'll enjoy it so much."

He ignored my sarcasm as he continued to speak.

"Most of us phased this past year, including me. And you may tack on all the shit with Sam to your year, but I found out the three prime candidates for my father, and none of them are exactly ideal."

"There was an ideal candidate before?"

"Anyone who isn't the father of one of my best friends."

"So, we're rooting for Joshua Uley then? I'll go for it. Anything to upset Sam."

He made a noise of frustration that caused me to smile for the first time in the new year.

"Although," I continued. "We might as well start saying it was Sam's dad. He was complete shit anyway. Like father, like son. It wasn't Quil's dad, and it sure as hell wasn't Billy. We all know that even if we can't prove it."

It was the closest to nice I'd ever come when discussing Embry's father. It was Embry's weakest point, and I didn't want to stop using it. I chanced a glance at him to see him staring out over the water, same moody look that he always got when thinking about his father.

And there was that stupid sympathy that I only ever felt for Embry, Jake, or Seth these days. When it came to my little brother, it was fine, but I really needed to get away from the pack. They were ruining my walls.

"You were saying about the hard year?" I prompted, pulling him back to the present.

Not as eager to share his thoughts anymore, Embry shrugged.

"Just that we all fought the newborn army, and the other day we were all prepared to fight again. Not to mention I had to deal with one of my best friends running off into the wilderness for months while you mocked us for being worried when we could still hear him in our heads."

We both knew I'd been as worried about Jacob as anyone else had, but I was thankful he was pretending he'd believed my comments.

"Okay, okay," I gave in. "We both had a terrible year. Yay for us. So what? Does that mean I shouldn't be allowed to wallow in my misery? Sorry I can't get into whatever optimistic 'it's a new beginning' mood you're looking for."

"That's not what I'm saying at all." He sighed. "It's just that you've been in this same mood for more than a year now. Doesn't it get tiring?"

"I turn into a giant wolf, Embry, and until a few months ago, I had to be in my ex's head all the goddamn time. That's what's tiring."

"But you're not anymore. Isn't that as good a reason as any to try to make 2007 better?"

The sun finally broke free from the horizon as I chewed on the inside of her cheek, breaking the skin and feeling it immediately heal over. It was always a constant reminder of how much of a freak I was.

"Sam and Emily's wedding is this year," I said after a few moments of silence. It's not like I was admitting anything Embry didn't know, but I still knew my cheeks had gained a bit of color.

Embry didn't say anything for a while, allowing us to sit in silence as the sun continued to rise. After a while, he stood up. Before moving to go back into the forest, he looked down at me.

"Maybe that's an even better reason to try and make this year better."

He was gone before I could respond. The stupidest part was he was right. Sam and Emily being married was the biggest push I could get to actually get on with my life. But how could I do that when I was stuck being a fucking shapeshifter in La Push? There was no escape for me.

There weren't any guys either. La Push didn't exactly have an endless supply of them, and of the few that hadn't become one of my pack brothers, most of them had been scared away. If my ex becoming the head of some creepy gang that no one could figure out wasn't enough to keep them away, my constant bitter attitude definitely had.

I'd done all of the pathetic things I could think of to make it better, and I'd read countless advice on how you had to date again before you could really move on from a failed relationship. But my options were completely nonexistent, so how could I ever move on? It was just part of the giant disaster that had become my life.

I caught the movement in the trees this time before Seth came out of the forest. I rolled my eyes. No one in either pack had any concept of privacy. Probably because they knew each other's thoughts. They couldn't just let me have one morning to myself.

"What do you want, Seth?"

He shrugged as he sat down in the spot Embry had vacated.

"Mom woke up and saw you weren't home. She's not freaking out or anything, but she was a bit worried, so I came to look for you. I came across Embry, and he told me you were here. I probably would have wound up here on my own anyway though."

"Has it occurred to anyone that I'm here alone for a reason?"

"Obviously. But you do this all the time, and you never actually want to be alone. If you did, you'd go to your room and lock the door."

I scoffed. It wasn't like I had given it that much consideration. I'd just wanted to see the sunrise. Why did that have to be an invitation for interaction?

"I do have something to tell you though," Seth continued.

I glanced over to let him know I was listening.

"The Cullens' guests all left. Some of them had to be escorted across tribal lands by some of the pack. They're all gone."

I nodded. "I heard some of the noise. I figured that's what was happening."

Seth sighed. "I just wanted to let you know." He stood up but continued speaking to me just as Embry had. "That's one huge scare over, Leah. Maybe focus on that instead of all the bad stuff?"

He ambled towards the forest shouting something about how great 2007 would be. I allowed myself a small smile at his antics.

It was officially daytime now. The color in the sky was fading into its usual blue. I didn't feel like I'd really gotten to see the first sunrise of the year. I sighed and laid my head on my knees, which I'd pulled up to my chest.

"Please let this be a good year," I muttered, closing my eyes.

I thought of all the horrible things that had happened over the past year. My father's death was the one that stood out the most. Neither Embry nor Seth had dared to mention that, although it was inextricably tied up with my phasing. At the time, I hadn't thought I would ever have a worse day than the one where Sam broke up with me, but that had been proven wrong.

The past year had been the worst of my life, but no matter how much I hated to admit it, maybe I was just a tad bit optimistic about the next one.

It would be ruined within the first month.

 **January 7th, 2007**

I dreaded pack meetings. They reminded me far too much of the few Girl Scout meetings Mom had forced me to before I wormed my way out of it. Except the small elementary school girls were replaced with giant teenage boys who turned into wolves, the overbearing mothers had been reduced down to Emily, and instead of counting badges or cookie sales they counted vampire kills. It was all the same thing really.

The only good part of these things was that Emily's food was unfortunately decent, and usually I could get a few jabs in at a majority of the guys.

I had thought I was finished with these particular pack meetings when the pack split in two, but the Volturi had forced the two packs to work so closely together that we might as well have stayed one. Well, other than there being two alphas and the fact that we still couldn't hear each other's thoughts except through Sam and Jacob.

I had been holding out hope that the Volturi leaving meant I would no longer have to go to these things, but it wasn't even a week later and Jacob had forced me to Sam and Emily's for another one.

"He just wants to go over everything that happened," Seth explained unnecessarily as we approached Sam and Emily's house together.

"We're all aware of what happened. We were there."

"Yeah, but you have to regroup after these things, you know?"

I didn't know. And I was pretty sure there was no shapeshifter manual that everyone else was going off of either. I stayed quiet as Seth continued.

"And I think they want to figure out how having two packs is going to work now that things are normal." I snorted at the word normal. We couldn't be "normal" anymore. "Like, who's going to patrol when and all of that."

"Why do we need to be there for that? Sam and Jake are the alphas. Let them deal with it."

"We both know you'd complain if you didn't get a say in it."

I shrugged. There were ways I could have a say in it without attending a crappy meeting.

The guys were already there. The promise of food was the only way to get them all in one place on time, and everyone was eating when Seth and I entered. The growth in our population since September meant that every seat was already taken. I sat down on the floor with no complaints. It allowed me to blend into the corner and be left alone like I wanted.

Seth, on the other hand, got right into the midst of the chaos, going for some food and messing around with the guys.

When she offered me a small smile, Emily was the only one to acknowledge I had come in. I ignored her and focused on Seth instead to have somewhere to look. The best part of the guys' ferocious appetites was that they finished eating in record time, leaving less time for me to sit around waiting for something to happen.

Sam and Jacob both stood once they had finished, not waiting on the others. It was weird to see them side-by-side and working together instead of as antagonists. They looked like brothers again even though they had permanently split the pack in half. I hated everything.

Jake hadn't settled into his role as leader yet even though it had been three months since he accepted his role as alpha. He was more than happy to let Sam steer the meeting. It made me feel like Jacob had never stopped being the beta of the pack. He wasn't acting like an alpha anymore. It irked me.

I was going to have to work on that. Maybe if I got Jake to take everything on and rely on Sam less, he'd be less inclined to make us have meetings with Sam's pack.

I only half listened as Sam spoke.

"Jake and I discussed earlier what we're going to do about patrols. The youngest will be taking fewer, and we're managing it by age. Those still in high school will take a bit more, but we're taking school into account for everyone."

Sam and I were the only two no longer in high school. I didn't like where this was going.

"That means Leah and I will have the most patrols."

I scowled as the majority of the room glanced my way, showing they were, in fact, aware of my presence. The older guys snickered while the younger ones, all somewhere between ten and thirteen, forced their eyes to flicker away quickly as they were scared of my wrath. Sam continued on like he hadn't noticed any of it even though he had superhuman senses.

"We're putting members of the same pack on patrol together as much as we can, but sometimes you'll be with a member of the other pack. We've decided you'll meet up here first whenever that happens so you can figure out who's patrolling where. Only being able to communicate through howling may be a disadvantage, but it shouldn't be detrimental."

I bit at the inside of my cheek. More reasons for me to have to come to this stupid house. I was never going to escape. La Push had become my own personal hell, and there was no hope of getting out.

The meeting didn't last much longer. The guys had short attention spans individually, and it only multiplied when you put them all together. Plus, Jared desperately needed to see Kim for whatever reason (it was probably stupid), and of course Sam would be super supportive of that.

Seth had wandered off somewhere with Collin, Brady, and Ethan. They were the wolves closest to him in age, but they were all in Sam's pack. They'd taken to forming a little group of sorts over the past months.

I was all set to walk home alone when my alpha who couldn't act like an alpha and his doofus best friends showed up beside me.

A week into the new year and all of my hopeful wishing had already been for naught.

"You don't have to glare at us as if we've come to torment you," Quil said, arms up in defence. "We're walking home just like you are."

I rolled my eyes. It was only half true. They all did live in this direction, but all the members of Jake's pack had been pushing themselves into my presence since we became our own pack. I couldn't prove it, but I suspected that Jacob had said something to them that made them fear me less. It kind of made me want to punch him in the face, but I was pretty sure there were magical shapeshifter rules that prevented me from doing so.

The fortunate part was that all of their houses came before mine, and there was no way they would walk all of the way there with me. I would still get a bit of a peaceful walk home.

They messed around in that stereotypical teenage way. Even I was slightly amused at their antics. I hated to admit it, but things had slowly been becoming this way even before the split. As cheesy as it sounded, the pack did have a certain type of bond that was new to me, and that had only grown stronger since the split for those of us in Jake's pack.

I was working on all of them not knowing that though, so I kept my eyes in the distance as we walked, walking far enough in front of the boys that they couldn't make out that my scowl wasn't as strong as usual.

"School in a week," Jake commented as we got closer and closer to his house. He would be the first of us to split off.

"How could we forget?" Embry remarked in feigned annoyance. "You and Sam had to go and remind us tonight."

"Sam did the reminding," Jake pointed out. "I'd happily skip class and patrol all day if I could."

"Haven't you burnt out the living as a wolf thing?" I asked. "After two months straight of it, has to be nice whenever you're human again."

"How could you get tired of being a wolf?" Quil asked. "I still don't get why you complain about our powers all the time, Leah. Phasing was the best thing that ever happened to me."

"You say that because you got your two co-dependents back thanks to it. For the rest of us normals, it isn't as great."

I glanced back to see Quil's smirk right before his remark.

"You can't really call yourself a normal, Miss Wolf."

I wrinkled my nose and made a noise of disgust, causing Quil to laugh behind me.

"I'll see you guys later," Jacob announced as we reached his turn.

I even stopped for a minute to wave goodbye with Embry and Quil. I hated that I was becoming like this. They were four years younger than me for fuck's sake. I would have died before being seen with them before my life turned to shit. Back when I actually had a reputation worth caring about. Now everyone on the rez _expected_ to see me with them. Pathetic.

I'd become even softer around the youngest wolves. In my defense, Robbie and Warren were only ten, and as much as phasing sucked for all of us, I felt the most sympathy for the youngest. They were also the quickest to bounce back from it, so maybe that sympathy was misplaced.

I felt the most sympathy for Al though. I think we all did. Or at least those of us in Jake's pack who could read his mind. He hadn't learned how to hide his thoughts before we found out his secrets, and as he was still in the process of figuring it out, he still slipped up a lot. I was surprised by how gently Jake, Embry, and Quil treated it. No one ever bothered Al, and even as we all started picking up on the same sort of thoughts from Seth and Robbie, it became an unspoken pack rule that no one would talk about it until they did.

I think it was bringing us closer together.

Embry and Quil had grown quieter since Jake left us, allowing me to get lost in my own thoughts. I was startled when Embry spoke again.

"So, Jake's birthday is a week from today," Embry said.

Quil and I nodded. It had been easy to push everything out of our minds in the time leading up to the supposed showdown with the Volturi, and it was difficult to bring any semblance of normalcy back now.

"Rachel's texted me at least five times about it," I said. "Trust me, I'm not going to forget."

"Right." Embry nodded. "But have either of you bought him a present yet because I haven't."

"Nope," Quil said matter-of-factly. "I'm completely broke, and I'm too busy being a wolf to get a job, 'specially once school starts."

Embry and I voiced our agreement.

"So, what about a pack-wide gift then?" Embry asked. "We should be able to pull something together with the seven of us, right?"

I raised my eyebrow at him. "You're thinking to mention this just a week before his birthday?"

Embry smiled at me. "You'll ask Seth then, Leah. And whichever of us sees the kids first will tell them. If they don't have anything to contribute, we'll go ahead and put their names on it anyway."

I frowned, biting the inside of my cheek. It was such a family thing to add the names of someone who hadn't given money towards a present.

"Any ideas what we'll get him then?" Quil asked.

Embry shook his head. "None. We should just go shopping wherever and see what we find."

"This is sure to be the greatest present he's ever gotten," I muttered. Embry and Quil both snickered.

"Friday then?" Quil asked as he prepared to go his own way.

"Yeah, sure," Embry confirmed. He continued on to me as we walked, "You can come if you want or you can not. It's whatever you want to do."

I nodded, and the two of us continued to walk in silence. I liked this about Embry. Despite the fact that he jammed himself into my life just like the others, he was more likely to allow me to go into my own thoughts without pestering me like the others did. I appreciated it.

In fact, he didn't say anything until we reached his house, and even then it was just to say goodnight. Not that it was that important or anything, but Embry was the least annoying member of the pack.

 **January 14th, 2007**

Unsurprisingly, I hadn't gone to parties since Sam and I broke up. I hadn't even been that into parties before that, but I did have some semblance of a social life that had disappeared after the break up. I think any sort of pack gathering could be as crazy as any high school party, but it was a bit different when it was the same group of people every time and there was no alcohol or hooking up involved.

Jake's birthday wasn't that different. They weren't even calling it a party, just a get-together. Rachel had put herself in charge of the whole thing, which was odd for her. I thought she had to have some sort of motive behind it, but I couldn't find one other than wanting to do something nice for her brother after being gone for so long. Anyway, she thought calling it a party put too much pressure on her as the planner or something, so they weren't using that term.

And it wasn't going to be all that eventful. The only humans that would be there were the imprints, Billy, Charlie, and my mom. Everyone else was either a wolf or a bloodsucker. Yep. Jake had specifically asked his sister to invite Bella Swan. Cullen. Whatever she was going by these days. And Edward Cullen.

He hadn't even bothered to play it off as not being able to invite his imprint without inviting her parents. He'd just invited them. Bella wasn't surprising in the slightest obviously, but I was a bit thrown off by Edward coming along, I'll admit. It felt like pretty soon the entire Cullen Clan would be on the reservation. I knew Sam didn't like it. That was the only reason I was getting enjoyment out of it.

What I didn't get enjoyment out of was the fact that my alpha was entangling himself so neatly into a family of vampires. It was shit that fate had decided he needed a half-vampire imprint, but did he have to be so happy about it? Not even six months ago he'd been ready to rip Edward limb from limb and now he was all buddy-buddy with his future father-in-law. If I'd ever needed more confirmation that fate and imprinting were stupid, this was it.

I could smell their stench a mile away from Jake's house. Even with just the two leeches and Nessie, it was potent. Almost the entire party would be dealing with unpleasant smells the entire time. Why was I going?

I hadn't gone with the others to get the present. I was the only one from Jake's pack, other than Jake, who didn't, although I knew exactly what they'd gotten from Seth. They'd stopped in exactly one store and gotten the first thing they saw because they hated shopping. I rolled my eyes even though no one was around to see it.

As usual, everyone else was already there when I arrived. I headed straight onto the porch, even though most of the guys were a bit away from the house trying to air out their noses. I ignored the smell, regrettably used to it after my time spent protecting the Cullens. Rachel was talking to Billy when I found them. Emily was nearby with Kim, and she tried to say hello when she saw me. I ignored her, trying to make it seem like I hadn't noticed her presence even though no one here would believe it.

Rachel smirked at me when she saw. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend. I would have preferred it if she hadn't become close to Emily too since becoming an imprint, but I had to deal with it. All of the imprints had some weird bond. Even Nessie was being pulled into it now as she played some type of pseudo-tag with Claire out in the front yard. It had been a bit amusing to watch Nessie purposefully run at Claire's speed in an attempt to make things fair.

I sat down next to Rachel on the porch steps. She was watching Nessie and Claire with a strange look on her face.

"Your future sister-in-law has a heart of gold, doesn't she?" I quipped.

Rachel's nose wrinkled. "Stop calling her that. She's four months old."

"And looks like she could be sent off to preschool," I muttered. "Besides, she is your future sister-in-law. There's no way of getting around that. Blame fate and imprinting for that. Not me."

Rachel shook her head, face contemplative. "I'm not angry." She glanced at me with a small smile. "I know you think the worst of imprinting, but I don't. I trust it. I know that Nessie is who Jacob should be with once she's old enough." She looked back at the girls, her more serious face returning. "I just can't think about it when either one of them are so little."

"If it helps, I've been in Jake and Quil's heads, and most of the time I don't think they remember there's ever supposed to be something romantic between them and the girls. It's as platonic as it can get."

"I know that, but it's not going to make it any less weirder when it stops being platonic."

I shrugged. I'd given this more thought than I'd like to admit thanks to being inside both Quil's and Jake's heads.

"We don't know how it'll happen though. I think the biggest thing I've learned since phasing is that imprinting is weird. They'll probably have some magical way of making falling in love with girls they've known since they were babies not weird."

Rachel laughed. "I guess so." She was silent for a moment before speaking again. "You are right that it's strange knowing that I'm watching my future sister-in-law grow up. There's not even a question. I'm watching a half-vampire, half-human girl grow up, and she's going to marry my little brother who not only turns into a giant wolf but is alpha of a wolf pack. My life was so normal six months ago, and I'm not sure I've adjusted to all of this yet."

I snorted. "Hey. You're talking to someone who turns into one of those giant wolves herself. I know how weird it is. You chose this though. You could have escaped again no problem and gone back to normalcy. I'm stuck here."

She looked at me with that infatuated smile all the imprints got. I hated it.

"No, I couldn't have."

I made a small retching noise, causing her to laugh.

"I know you hate it, Leah, but it's true. I'm as tied to La Push as you are for now."

I rolled my eyes again. I heard a small gasp of surprise and turned to see Claire stumble. She didn't hit the ground that hard, but Nessie and Quil were both to her in seconds, Nessie's attempts at maintaining small, human girl speed forgotten. Quil began dotting over his imprint while Nessie hovered, wanting to know everything was okay. Tears were streaming down Claire's face, but she might've been milking it for the attention. Jake rushed over as well, wanting to make sure Nessie wasn't too upset her friend had gotten hurt. She wasn't used to the fragility of humans yet.

"I hate imprinting," I remarked. I hadn't said it loudly, but Jake's and Quil's super hearing allowed them to pick up on it. They each turned to glare at me, and Rachel laughed yet again. I smirked at my packmates before they turned their attention back to their imprints.

My eyes scanned the rest of the people at the party. Most of the wolves had grouped off by age like normal. Emily and Kim hung close by Rachel and me. I had no problems with Kim, but she stuck so close by Emily's side that I usually avoided her anyway. Mom, Charlie, and Billy were inside.

Bella and Edward were the two who stuck out. They'd been talking to Jacob when I arrived, but now that his attention was occupied with their daughter, it was just the two of them standing about and looking out of place.

It was the first time Bella had been on the reservation since she became a vampire, and probably Edward's first time since the treaty had been signed. While nothing official in the treaty had been changed, we had all taken it as a given that things would be lax with the Cullens now that Jake had imprinted on one. Everyone was taking it surprisingly well. Everyone except Jake ignored Bella and Edward, not bothering to antagonize them.

Bella was watching Jake and Nessie with a close eye. She was far too overprotective of a mother, which was inconvenient for her when her daughter was an imprint. Jake was overprotective enough and didn't leave much for Bella to do.

Edward, on the other hand, looked content to let Jake handle Nessie. While he'd been against the imprint at first, he had not only accepted but welcomed the imprint since the confrontation with the Volturi. Instead of his daughter, he was watching everyone else at the party. His eyes found mine not long after I had looked at him and Bella, and I knew he was reading my mind.

I scowled. _Get out of my head_ , I sent him mentally.

He smiled in amusement but turned his head to humor me that he had tuned out of my thoughts. I scoffed as I watched Seth approach them, the first to do so besides our alpha. I couldn't stand how close he and Edward had gotten. He almost considered the leech a big brother of sorts, which I didn't get when he had an abundance of those that didn't suck blood to survive.

I watched as Jacob rejoined them, Quil even at his side this time. I turned my attention back to Nessie and Claire. Unfortunately, this resulted in me making eye contact with the little monster. She waved happily at me, and I sighed, offering her a slight wave as well.

Rachel chuckled beside me. "Hi, Nessie," she called out. I rolled my eyes as she bonded with her future family. "Having fun?"

Nessie affirmed that she was in her wind chime-like voice. My frown deepened as she began hurrying (as fast as she could with Claire's hand latched in her own) towards Rachel and me.

At only a few months old, Nessie had proven she was one of those people who considered it a personal failure if someone didn't like her. It was something she had to rectify. The more I tried to be cold towards her, the more she had to try. It didn't help that even I felt bad about being mean to a little girl, which meant I didn't always try my hardest to fend her off.

Claire, being an actual human child and therefore even more fragile, had never faced any sort of anger from me. I wasn't sure if she even understood I had a reputation for being like that. She'd never shown any sort of hesitance to be in my presence, but she also tended to leave me alone because I never bothered to play with her like most of the guys.

Both girls were smiling happily as they approached Rachel and me. They were holding hands like the best of friends. Jake and Quil were probably wetting their pants in happiness. This was the fifth or so time the two girls had played together, but I wasn't sure how long this level of friendship could hold up as Nessie continued to age quicker than normal. She already appeared a little older than Claire, and that illusion of a reverse age gap would only continue to widen.

"Hi, Rachel. Hi, Leah," Nessie greeted us, taking a seat at the foot of the porch steps in the grass. Claire followed obediently, also greeting us.

I nodded and allowed Rachel to verbally respond.

"I've decided I like birthday parties," Nessie said.

"You're four months old," I remarked.

I wasn't sure why I said it. Sometimes I was so struck by the oddness of Nessie's existence that I couldn't help but comment on it. Jake would always glare at me when I had these outbursts with him around (which was most of the time I had them), but I wasn't doing it to be rude. I just couldn't process the way the girl aged.

For her part, Nessie was unoffended. She shrugged with a bright smile.

"I do a lot of things I'm apparently not supposed to. Dad says I'm like a three-year-old human right now. Like Claire!"

Claire beamed at this, but I don't think she understood what Nessie was saying. No one had ever hidden the wolves and vampires from her, but I was never certain how much she took in, especially when it came to her new friend.

"And how old are you mentally now?" I asked, unable to resist. "Thirty?"

It was Nessie's intelligence that freaked me out more than her physical growth. It was hard to take in a child that looked three but came across as smarter than you at times.

Nessie just shrugged. She watched Claire, and I thought she was thinking about her own intelligence in comparison to Claire's.

"Older than three."

It wasn't said in a mean way. I don't think Nessie realized such a comment could be rude. It was just a fact to her. Her remarkable intelligence usually came across as far more book-oriented than social. In that way she still seemed to be three. However, Claire didn't get the comment, also being three and all, so there were no hard feelings among the girls as they began picking through the clover in the grass around them. Nessie had never seen a four leaf clover before, she said, and she had enlisted Claire to help her find one.

 **January 17th, 2015**

I still felt weird sometimes watching Seth get ready for school in the morning knowing that I wasn't going with him. I had graduated more than two years ago, but recently I had felt stuck in some sort of limbo that made it hard to remember I was an adult.

Seth pouted as he ate his cereal. He'd never minded school before phasing, but now he was disappointed to be going back after his Christmas break.

"Only three and a half more years," I remarked.

Seth nodded forlornly. I knew his status as a freshman was part of the problem. The older guys who were still in school were all juniors and the younger ones were in middle school. The Quileute Tribal School was K-12, meaning they'd all be around, but Seth was disappointed to not have his friends around more.

"Are you running patrol today?"

I nodded with a frown at my mother's question. With everyone else being in school, it was up to Sam and me to run patrol during school hours. That also meant going to Sam and Emily's alone. Something I had carefully avoided doing until now. I had planned the exact time I'd get there. Too close to my assigned time for any unnecessary conversation but not late enough Sam would think it necessary to reprimand me. I didn't want to deal with either scenario.

"At least he won't be in your head," Seth pointed out.

I glared at him. Usually my family was good about avoiding any direct mentions of Sam and Emily, let alone my continued antagonism towards them, but Seth just shrugged this morning. Going back to school appeared to be having a weird effect on him that hadn't happened before. I thought I might know what it was but decided not to bring it up. I wasn't sure how Seth would handle it.

"You should get going," Mom told Seth. "You don't want to be late."

Seth shrugged to show his indifference towards showing up late, but he got up and put his empty bowl in the sink anyway. He grabbed his bag on his way out, calling goodbyes to Mom and me.

She sighed once she was sure he was out of hearing range.

"I'm a bit worried about him," she admitted. "He's been down lately."

I hadn't told her what me and all of the guys had witnessed going on in Seth's head. Seth did such a careful job of hiding it that we knew it was important we not mention his few slip ups. Between him, Al, and Robbie though, the entire situation was starting to get confusing for the entirety of our pack. It didn't help that Moses had just started figuring out why it was so many guys liked girls. The younger wolves were forcing me, Jake, Quil, and Embry to relive the confusing years that were the beginnings of puberty.

None of this affected Quil and Jake much. They had lost any sex drive they'd had in the past after imprinting on toddlers. For my part, I found it amusing. Mostly because it all felt so innocent compared to some of the things the older guys had subjected me to in the past. Embry, though, had a tendency to panic as if he had no idea how to react when the boys let a thought slip on accident. He was more amusing than the guys.

"I'm sure he's fine, Mom," I told her, thinking back to Seth. "It's just growing up, you know? You're not doing adolescence right if you're not angsty as fuck."

She nodded, but I could tell she wasn't satisfied.

"Look," I continued. "I know it's Seth, so that makes it weirder, but he's still human, Mom. He's bound to have low points. It doesn't mean he's given up all hope in life or anything. I can hear his thoughts, remember? I think he's doing pretty well all things considered."

Much better than me, and we had both lost our father and phased over the course of the last year. Seth's continued levels of optimism were impressive to me. Even in his thoughts he remained cheerful most of the time, but I hadn't decided if it was fake or not. It seemed genuine, and Seth had never been all that great of a liar.

Mom didn't accept my assurances though. She was still frowning when she left for work, leaving me behind to get ready for my patrol.

Things were calmer than they had been the rest of the time I'd been a wolf. While in the past we'd had a wolf patrolling at all times, these days we had scaled back to give everyone a short patrol every two days or so. Mine and Sam's would be daily during the weekday now that school had started, but they would also be short. Plus, I wouldn't be assigned any other patrols until school let out for Christmas except for a night patrol once a month. At least in theory.

I wasn't sure if putting up with Sam for even five minutes before patrol was worth that, and I was becoming increasingly sure it wasn't as I neared his and Emily's house.

I hated how well I had memorized this walk by now. The universe was forcing me to be a masochist. It was unfair the other wolves got imprints and I got the presence of my cousin and ex forced upon me. Why were the guys always surprised I was bitter? They hadn't shown quite the same level of annoyance towards Jacob, and he could have gotten away from Bella if he wanted. That was his own damn fault, but he received far less shit for it.

Emily was sitting alone out on the porch when I arrived. I knew she'd been waiting for me from the way her eyes lit up when she saw me. I worked on deepening my frown so she'd know how unhappy I was about this. Sam was nowhere in sight, and I wondered if that was a coincidence or because Emily had wanted to get me alone.

I had timed myself to arrive right on time perfectly, but if Emily wanted something, Sam would give it to her no matter what the patrol schedule said.

By the time I reached the porch and Emily's smiling face, I had decided I wasn't going to show the slightest bit of patience.

"I have to patrol. I don't have time to talk to you."

I could tell it was a struggle for her to keep her smile on her face. It wasn't as bright as before. But what had she been expecting? Today of all days wasn't going to be the one where I gave in and treated her like I had in the past. If that time was ever coming, it was a long way off.

"Right," she gave in easily. "Sam will be out in a minute."

Sam walked out the front door as soon as the words left her mouth, proving he'd only been waiting for Emily to give him a sign. I rolled my eyes at their obviousness and made a noise of derision that Emily, at least, had the decency to look sheepish at.

I turned to head towards the forest, not wanting to see their goodbyes. It was sure to be cheesy and disgusting even if they were conscious of my presence. I could hear their whispers easily, and I stomped my feet harder as I walked in a desperate attempt to block it out, even going so far as to recite a song in my head.

I didn't wait for Sam to phase. I knew the area that needed to be patrolled, and if we ended up overlapping, so what? I would take unnecessary patrolling to any extra time with Sam.

Even though we couldn't get inside each other's heads, I was close enough to hear him phase. He went in the opposite direction of where I was heading, and I knew exactly which areas he would take. I would cover the rest and go home without the check-in that should have been mandatory afterwards. It's not like anyone would punish me, and Sam no longer had the power of the alpha command over me. I could treat this as nothing more than a peaceful patrol alone with my own thoughts.

I didn't go directly home after my patrol, choosing to wander around in the forest on a winding path that would eventually lead me to home. By the time I got there, school had been let out for the day, and Seth was perched in front of the TV. His books were open in an attempt at homework, but he had pushed them to the side and was flipping through channels instead.

"You need to ease up on the pouting. Mom's worried."

I nudged him over so I could take a seat on the couch too. Seth sighed as he landed on some paranormal show where a girl fell in love with a vampire. I couldn't help but let out snort of amusement.

"I'm not pouting," Seth protested while pouting.

"Whatever." I didn't want to get into an argument about this anymore than he did. "All I'm saying is that Mom is worried about how different you've been lately."

Seth chewed on his bottom lip before answering.

"Maybe I'm just growing up."

"Being confused and upset over everything isn't being an adult, Seth. It's being a teenager."

"Says Leah Clearwater."

He was smiling a bit, so I refrained from my usual glares or light punches.

"I don't think I'm an adult either. Twenty or not. I still feel like a teenager. Right down to feeling trapped."

"In La Push?" He didn't wait for my nod before continuing. "It's not the rez that's the problem for me."

I was aware of that, although I had tried not to let that on to Seth. I wasn't sure how aware he was of the things he'd let slip in his head recently.

"I just don't know who I am anymore. Like, how I'm supposed to act."

"Also a completely normal teenage thing," I assured him. No one could ever accuse me of being a terrible sister. I came through when it mattered.

"Yeah, but probably not like this."

"You mean the wolf thing or something else?"

"I didn't mean the wolf thing, but now I feel like that should be included too. You know, I realized I have no friends my age. I didn't talk to anyone in class today."

"You ate lunch with the guys though, right?"

One good thing about the tribal school being so small was that the entire high school ate lunch together. There was no worrying about who would and who wouldn't be in your lunch period.

"Yeah, but that's not the point."

"Then what is?"

"It kind of feels like no one's going through what I am. No one I can talk to at least. Besides, what could I really talk to the guys about and not have them laugh at me for?"

I leaned my head back onto the back of couch.

"I don't think they'd laugh at you if it were something serious. Well, Jared would, but I think you'd be okay with everyone else."

"I guess."

We both knew he wouldn't talk to anyone about what was bothering him, not even me. With most other things I would have pushed him, but this time I could feel that he still needed to figure it out for himself before he would be comfortable saying it out loud.


	2. February

**February 4th, 2007**

I straightened up from my seat on the couch when I heard movement outside. Someone was walking up to the porch. The sound of their stride was wolf-like, but that didn't make much sense because all the guys were at Sam and Emily's. They were having some stupid Super Bowl party I'd refused to join.

Even my mom was there with Charlie, but for once in my life I wasn't bitter about being excluded. I had turned down the invitation on my own, and I had fully intended to enjoy my alone-ness until this intruder showed up.

I opened the door to find Embry on the other side, hand raised to knock.

"Why are you here?"

He shrugged sheepishly.

"I was talking to Jake about how bad we felt knowing you were here alone. I thought I'd come…"

He trailed off as he realized how I was going to take what he was saying.

"Check up on me?" I asked.

He shrugged sheepishly again.

"I guess. Kind of. That makes it sound differently than I intended though."

I could tell he was worried I was about to go off on him, but I just walked back over to the couch instead, picking up my book but keeping it closed.

"I don't need any company. Go back to the game and food and whatever else you're doing over there."

I tried to focus on my book again, but Embry was still standing right inside the front door.

"Damnit, Embry. If you won't leave, at least come in the room."

He smirked a little as he took a seat in an armchair next to the opposite end of the couch from where I sat. I lowered my book to look at him.

"I'm seriously fine. I'm just reading. You don't have to stay."

He shrugged. "I don't care about football much anyway, Leah."

I thought back to all the memories I had that involved both Embry and football. I could picture him cheering at the TV, but it was true he'd been less animated than the other guys. Maybe it was a male bonding thing he hadn't wanted to be excluded from.

"Whatever." I picked up my book again. "I'm reading though. You do what you want."

Despite my complete intentions to keep reading whether Embry sat there or not, his presence became increasingly distracting the longer he sat there doing nothing. After a while, I managed to bite through the skin of my inside cheek. I only tasted blood for a second, but it seemed to fuel my annoyance. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

"Okay. Did Jake alpha order you to be here or something?"

Embry frowned. "No. Does that sound like something Jake would order me to do?"

"Just ask then?"

"Nope."

"Did Emily?"

She'd been upset when I turned down the invitation to the party after all, and I wouldn't put planting a spy above her. Sam could have threatened him if Embry had tried to get out of it.

"No one asked me to come, Leah."

"Then why are you here?"

"I already told you."

Not sufficiently, but he didn't seem prepared to explain his actions anymore than he already had. In a way, it was fitting for Embry. After being in all of the guys' heads for so long, reading them had become easy. We could tell what the others were thinking just from having seen them think a million times before. But out of all the wolves, Embry was the most adept at concealing his thoughts unless he wanted us to see, which meant he had always been the hardest one for me to read.

"You can't expect me to believe you want to sit here all night," I continued.

Embry shrugged. "I don't mind."

I stared at him, eyebrow raised and waiting for him to admit that he didn't want to. Anyone else would have. He wasn't budging though, and I gave in after several minutes, handing him the remote. Giving him something to do would be less unnerving for me at least. He humored me and turned on the television, but I could tell he wasn't interested in watching it. He didn't change the channel when it came on even though it was some crappy programming from a channel that had given up on keeping viewers during the Super Bowl. He watched in feigned interest as I returned to my book.

 **February 10th, 2007**

With seventeen wolves between the two packs I had to get used to birthday parties. As beta, I was obligated to at least go to those of my pack members. Seth's, however, I would have been attending anyway by virtue of being his sister.

Before, Seth had always complained about having a winter birthday due to the cold, but that wasn't a concern this year. We had the party on the Saturday before his birthday, and even though the temperature was chilly for the humans among us, it didn't stop anyone from filling up the backyard. Our backyard. Because, of course, the party was at our house and for my brother, leaving me no escape for the entirety of the thing.

The imprints were huddled close to their wolves for warmth, and Mom and the other "real" adults (because I didn't consider Sam, Emily, and me adults) were indoors to stay warm. There was snow on the ground, but it wasn't hindering anything. At least being a wolf allowed Seth to enjoy his birthday in a way he hadn't before.

You wouldn't know that looking at him though. My brother, the everlasting ball of sunshine, didn't look happy that all his loved ones were gathered around for his birthday. Mom had even invited every single one of the damn Cullens into our house on Seth's request, and he didn't look happy at all. I was torn between sympathy for him and straight up rage.

I was trying to help Mom set out all the food even though the stench from the Cullens combining with the food was making me want to vomit. She kept glancing over at Seth, who was mingling with his guests and laughing, but there was a certain look in his eye that I knew Mom had picked up on too. Something that showed his mood wasn't genuine.

I knew she wouldn't bring it up to me. She was well aware that the majority of our guests would hear anything she said, and she wouldn't do that to Seth. It didn't stop her from keeping a close watch on him no matter what else she was doing.

"I've got the food, Mom. Why don't you go spend some time with Seth?"

I knew being able to watch him closer would help her feel a little better.

She looked around at the food, judging whether she thought I could manage. Or maybe whether I would try to steal some for myself. My appetite had become as huge as the boys' since phasing, but there was no way I was going to be able to eat with the Cullens around, even though I was sure the guys would manage just fine.

Finally, she nodded. I watched her insert herself into Seth's conversation with Charlie, Bella, and Edward. My mom wasn't the biggest fan of any of the vamps, but she was trying hard with Bella and Edward for both Charlie and Seth. It left me feeling like the odd one out. They were all trying to become close, and then there was me resisting it with everything I had in me. The idea of having human Bella Swan as a step sister was terrifying, but the idea of having the leech version as a step sister was enough to keep me up at night. If I wasn't concerned with my mom's happiness, I would have done everything in my power to scare Charlie off and prevent any potential marriage.

I wish other people could pick up on how selfless I was for the people that mattered.

Paul walked over to me, and I kept a close eye on him. I didn't trust him to not pounce on the food before I could stop him.

"Food ready?" he asked, leaning against the side of the house.

I talked to Paul more these days than any of the other members of Sam's pack because of my friendship with Rachel. It was hard to be friends with an imprint and not speak to their wolf all the goddamn time.

"In a sec," I told him with just the slightest bit of impatience. "I think Mom has one more thing in the oven."

He nodded in acceptance. It was a strange sight. Paul had struggled to control his temper from the time he phased to when he imprinted on Rachel, but ever since the imprint, he had mellowed out more than I ever thought possible. He was far more patient about having to wait for food than he ever would have been before. He was still his old self in a lot of ways, but some of his more extreme emotions had become muted in a way that seemed natural for him, like he would have grown up and matured this way with or without the imprint. Eventually at least.

It made him more tolerable to be around, but to me, it meant I was now the sole intolerable member of the pack. I fluctuated between wearing that label with pride and loathing it depending on the day.

Lately, I hadn't even had to face the label that much as none of the guys in Jake's pack ever brought it up, and to be honest, I had started feeling a lot more a part of things than I ever had in Sam's pack. I had had a barrier before by virtue of being the lone female in what had formerly been a boys' club, but that had mostly disappeared as well since we had formed Jake's pack. I felt like I fit in more. Maybe it was because I was the beta, but I'm not sure.

I didn't allow myself to think about it much because it had too much potential to open up feelings I would rather not deal with.

I hadn't expected Paul to hang around the food table for long when he couldn't eat anything, but Rachel appearing at my side assured his continued presence as well. I kind of hated when this happened because they were guaranteed to become all couple-y, which no one un-imprinted wanted to see.

Sometimes I wished pre-imprint Rachel could see post-imprint Rachel because she would hate herself.

Rachel was shivering from the cold, and Paul wrapped her up in his arms with no hesitation. She sunk into the embrace, smiling even though she kept her attention on me.

"You doing okay?" she asked.

I nodded dismissively. As if I would talk to her about anything remotely deep when Paul was standing right there. She may have trusted him with anything in the universe, but I didn't trust him with much at all. Anything said in front of him was sure to end up being knowledge to the entirety of Sam's pack unless it came out of Rachel's mouth.

Rachel sensed that too, and she dismissed Paul by pushing him towards the other guys. He went without complaint, and I sighed as Rachel turned back towards me with an expectant look.

She did nothing but cross her arms across her chest. I looked around at the various wolves and vampires scattered around the yard and then back at her pointedly. There was nothing I could say in confidence between the two of us.

"None of them are paying attention," she pointed out.

"It may not look like it, but I know everyone here well enough to know that the second I say anything they can hold against me, they'll hear it. Dear Edward is probably listening to our thoughts right now."

I smirked as the vampire looked our way. He smirked back and shook his head before turning back to whatever was being said in their little group. Rachel laughed.

"I'll admit I forgot he could even do that. They're harder to get used to than wolves. I don't know if it's because I've known you all for longer or what."

"It's because they're less human than us."

Even I was surprised by the lack of hatred in my voice. I had stated it matter-of-factly. We were closer to humans. Being a shapeshifter was something we had been born as, as much as I hated it. Being a vampire was an alternative to death. Like a more depressing version of an afterlife.

"They're designed to hunt humans," I continued. "I bet they set off some sort of prey instinct that we don't."

"They're your prey though. You don't seem to set off the same instinct in them."

I shrugged. "I think they have an invincibility complex."

I was aware of the bulkiest of the Cullens standing behind me as I said it. I thought his name was Emmett although I was unsure enough to avoid using it out loud.

" _We_ have an invincibility complex?" he asked with a smirk.

Paul was back with us in a split second, arms around Rachel. Not too long ago this would have been a sign of a larger conflict, but Paul didn't even snarl or anything close to what he would have done in the past. He just wrapped his arms around Rachel, and no one else at the party was giving us more than a second glance despite having an idea of what was going on.

"You're saying you don't?" I countered. "Because I'm pretty sure you can't make that argument."

"I'm saying we don't have one any worse than you guys. This one here," he nodded towards Paul, "was the one to challenge me that one time, right? And didn't you almost die during the battle with the newborns because of some stupid mistake?"

I glared at him. For once I didn't have much of a comeback. I'd been stupid that day, although I had yet to admit so out loud, and none of us could argue Paul didn't create conflict whenever he could.

My mother kind of saved me by rushing by while going on about the last of the food being finished. Emmett let the subject drop as the wolves began to descend where we stood, but I could see he knew he had won. I would have to get him back somehow. If I ever had to be in his presence again at least. I would try to avoid him otherwise. I'd had enough of vampires in my life.

The rest of the party passed by rather uneventfully, although my annoyance increased as time wore on. Even Seth's false cheer was fading by the time everyone began to leave. At least he had the benefit of his birthday to get him out of the clean up. I had to help Mom with everything, from picking up the backyard to washing the dishes.

I had expected Seth to lock himself up in his room once everyone was gone like any angsty teenager. I hadn't been expecting Collin to stay over.

Brady, Collin, and Ethan were all in the year behind Seth at school, and he tended to stick with them due to their closeness in age. However, the combination of Seth now being in high school and being in a different pack from all three of them had seemed to strain things recently. He had always been just slightly out of their very close trio due to his age and the fact that his desire to befriend everyone drew him a bit thin where friendships were concerned.

Seth didn't have a best friend at the moment though. Something that seemed cruel considering how eager he was to be friends with everyone. Everyone in the pack had a soft spot for him, and sure, everyone was nice. They teased him some, but that only helped him feel like he fit in. Still, none of that was quite the same as having a close friend, and I thought that was part of what had been taking a toll on Seth so much.

I tried to keep an eye on them as I cleaned. They were playing videos in the living room, so I could watch them while I washed dishes. I'd convinced Mom to go take a nap, since the dishes were the last of the chores and nearly done, so there was no one to notice my spying.

I wasn't sure why I was doing it. The conversations of young teenage boys weren't exactly what people my age wanted to listen to, but I was curious. Mostly, I wanted to know how well they were informed about what was bothering Seth. They weren't in his mind anymore. Ethan never had been. So they weren't privy to the information that Jake's pack now had, and I wasn't confident Seth had told them. I just wanted to see.

"She's so hot," Collin moaned.

They were talking about some lingerie model who was apparently who all the middle school boys wanted these days. I'd never heard of her. I'd never been one to keep up with models.

Brady agreed, continuing on about the things that he would do to her if he ever got to meet her. I rolled my eyes. He didn't know what half the stuff he was saying meant. It was all terms he had heard the older guys mention at some point, and now he was saying them to sound cool.

I would have called out a pointed remark saying as much if I weren't trying to remain inconspicuous.

"What about you?" Brady asked Seth.

I had been losing interest with the teenage chauvinism, but my eyes snapped over to them now. Seth's eyes were latched onto the TV screen in a pointed sort of way, like he didn't want to look at the other guys because they would see something in his expression.

"She's attractive, I guess."

There was a pain in his voice that caused me to bite my lip in concern.

Ethan laughed in disbelief. "You guess? She's the hottest girl on earth."

Seth shrugged. I was surprised he wasn't trying harder, but he seemed to have lost his will to hide it. At least on this particular occasion.

"I agree," he said, although his voice didn't sound that enthusiastic.

I watched the other boys give each other strange looks, but they let it drop. They didn't even bring up girls again as they continued shooting people's heads off in their game.


	3. March

**March 1st, 2007**

I stared at the computer screen, heart beating loudly. I glanced around me even though I knew Mom was at work and Seth was at school like always. I couldn't get over the feeling that someone was going to see the computer screen over my shoulder. Our family computer was tucked into a corner of the living room, but it was still facing out for the entire room to see. I had never been accustomed to doing anything on it that needed to stay private.

I had even searched how to delete the history after this. It wasn't that I was doing anything bad, just embarrassing.

The online dating website bathed me in an obnoxious spotlight as I stared at it. My face was hot in embarrassment even though there was no one around to see my shame. I wasn't sure how these things were supposed to work. But these days I was feeling a bit desperate to talk to a guy who hadn't met me before.

All the guys on the rez were either scared of me because they thought of me as a bitch or were scared of Sam if they got too close to me. It pissed me off that anyone thought Sam had a right to harm anyone I was interested in, but since my bitch persona had so many people scared off anyway, it was a waste of time to try to rectify that.

Online dating had never occurred to me. It had felt like this thing only the most desperate people tried, but I'd realized several days ago that I was one of those desperate people. I wasn't going to find anyone in La Push or Forks, and I wasn't escaping La Push anytime soon either. On little more than a whim, I had decided to try the online dating thing.

At the very least, it would be refreshing to talk with someone who didn't have a lot of preconceived notions about me.

Of course, I had waited until I had the house to myself. Seth may have been growing better at keeping things to himself in his mind, but he still slipped up far more than he should. There was no way I was letting any of the guys find out about this. Or Mom. Well, Mom would have a hey day at the thought of me finding a guy.

And would think I wasn't going to find anyone but pedophiles. Even though I wasn't a minor. She would still worry. I don't think she even knew how to use this computer. She'd resisted Dad buying it even though it had come used.

It was hard to maintain my earlier decision the deeper I got into filling out the profile. I got the idea behind wanting to be as thorough as possible. God knows I had certain conditions about who I was willing to put up with. But the more I sat there, the more I questioned why I was doing this. What if one of the guys found it? Logically, that would mean one of them were on here too, so it wasn't something they could hold over me. But maybe they got on as a joke?

Maybe it was just paranoia.

The profile had taken longer than anticipated. It was lucky I glanced at the clock right as I was finishing up. Seth was due home from school any minute, and I wasn't going to risk him walking in on me while I did this. I finished up as quickly as possible and shut the computer off. I hadn't looked at any other profiles. At this point I was unsure if I even wanted to. The embarrassment over making an account hadn't faded like I had hoped.

I should have just given up and accepted my lonely fate. It wasn't like I could have a lasting relationship with anyone on this site once they found out I turned into a giant fucking wolf. I couldn't even tell them I turned into a giant fucking wolf. It was all hopeless.

I couldn't even use dating websites like a normal person. Why had the universe done this to me?

 **March 18th, 2007**

Two weeks later, I had checked the dating website every other weekday when Mom was at work and Seth was at school. That was the one plus side of phasing, I supposed. I wasn't expected to get another job even though I was unemployed and living off of my mom for all intents and purposes. Normally, I hated the immense amount of free time I had.

The other guys didn't have the same considering they were in school. And I had no idea what Sam did. I guess important alpha stuff that wasn't as impressive to anyone other than him.

The past several days I had amped up my time on the site to push the coming events from my mind. Today was Emily's bachelorette party, and come tomorrow, she would be married. Sam would be married. They would be married to each other. I would be a bridesmaid because I'm stupid and agreed to that shit. And I would watch them get married. To each other.

I was struggling not to hit rock bottom again, and my preferred method of coping was trudging through that godforsaken website. It was even more masochistic of me because all it did was make me feel more alone. I had yet to find a guy that interested me at all, and most of the messages I'd gotten were straight up vulgar. Right now, I thought I would delete the account as soon as the wedding was over and try to move on with my life.

For now though, I was stuck at this stupid "party." While everyone was calling it a bachelorette party, that's not what it was. It was more of a bridal shower all truth be told except it was the night before the wedding, and Emily wanted to call it a bachelorette party.

She was having it at her house, and besides me, the guests included my mom, Emily's mom, Emily's sister-in-law (i.e. Claire's mom), Kim, Rachel, and three of Emily's closest friends from the Makah Reservation. I wasn't sure if she had kept in good contact with those three or just considered it polite to invite them because of past promises or whatever. Basically, the same reason I was currently there.

Emily's insistence that it was a bachelorette party wasn't helped by the fact that Claire had almost been here until Quil insisted she could spend the night at his house instead. Watching Claire's mom accept that had been the highlight of my night. She and her husband had been told about the wolves because it was deemed necessary, but it was obvious she was still struggling to come to terms with her three-year-old daughter having a teenage boy as a soul mate.

By now we had reached the most boring part of the night. The only bachelorette party aspect of it was the alcohol, but I'd been excluded due to my age and pointed glares from my mother. Emily, underage as well, drank a little under the premise that it was her wedding tomorrow, although she wasn't drunk. Kim was underage and had all but blanched when she saw Emily drink. So, basically, that wasn't like a bachelorette party either.

My mom and aunt were the only two that drunk enough to become a bit more rambunctious than normal, but even that felt tame.

I'd all but given up on doing anything other than sitting on the couch watching everything play out. Rachel was beside me, bored out of her mind as well as we watched my mom and aunt have a light-hearted argument I had heard a million times before. Kim rounded out our little corner-sitting trio. She was intimidated by the tipsyness of the adults, even though neither one of them was all that drunk. They were having fun more than anything. Kim also got nervous around Emily's Makah friends. More nervous than she was around me, which was saying something. Maybe this would help us bond and become closer. I doubted it.

By midnight, I was making an excuse to get out of there no matter what the others thought.

"I think I'm going to go," I announced, standing up and drawing the entire room's attention. "Long day tomorrow and all that."

Emily smiled at me and nodded, standing up to tell me goodbye. My stomach sloshed around a bit, and I began chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"I should head to bed too. You're right that it's a long day tomorrow."

I nodded as she looked at me. I sighed, knowing she was waiting for me to initiate a hug. Everyone in the room expected me to go for it, and I was too exhausted to deal with being a bitch. I wrapped my arms around her for the first time in a year, kind of wanting to throw up.

Emily squeezed me tightly and looked happier when she pulled away even though she'd been plenty happy before. I definitely wanted to vomit.

"I'll go with you," Rachel announced.

I turned to shoot her a glare, knowing she had purposefully waited to speak up after I'd been forced to hug Emily.

"Um, I'll go with you guys too," Kim said hesitantly, as if waiting for us to shoot her down and refuse to walk with her.

My least favorite rule of the pack was that we protected imprints at all costs, so Kim shouldn't be surprised I would walk her the entire way home, past my own house. Unless Jared popped up out of nowhere, which wouldn't be surprising.

Rachel's and Kim's goodbyes were a lot less awkward and filled with more happiness for Emily than mine had been. Rachel and Emily's friendship had always been a bit odd since Rachel considered herself my friend first. Still, they were close, and I wasn't going to be a middle schooler and demand she pick sides. That didn't make it any less annoying to me.

Having to walk along at a human pace frustrated me. As the fastest wolf, I could have been home in no time without even phasing. Instead, I had two imprints to escort. I would have walked Rachel home anyway to rant about the party, but that was no longer an option with Kim present. I knew she'd say something to Emily.

We remained silent on our way to the Black house to drop off Rachel. It was the closest to Emily's, and the walk wasn't that long even with two humans. Once we got there, Rachel gave me a look while saying goodbye that showed she wished we could have talked. I had a feeling she'd have a lot to say to me at the wedding tomorrow. If we had time. I'd be running around doing things for Emily all day I'd imagine. A sort of strange punishment for something I must have done in a past life.

The silence became more awkward without Rachel to act as a buffer. She and Kim weren't that close, but I could tell they were getting there. On the other hand, I had not made any sort of progress with Kim at all. It was hard to do so when she ran from me whenever she could and when I held such a deep hatred for the mere idea of imprinting.

"So," she began hesitantly. She drew the word out as if testing the waters. "Are you excited for tomorrow?"

It was a stupid thing to ask, and I could tell she realized that immediately. Her cheeks darkened, visible to me even in the dark.

"Not really," I said, choosing to brush it aside.

She flinched at the sarcasm in my voice, but she was going to have to deal with it. I wasn't trying to attack the girl, but I had little else to say to that type of thing. The girl was going to have to get used to me if she was going to stick around. Lord knows how she put up with Jared.

"Do you have any friends?"

The brash question felt acceptable after hers, so I didn't feel too bad about it even when she looked down at the ground. She didn't seem upset enough that this would come back to bite me. I didn't think Jared would show up to threaten me if he found out I'd said it at least, and I considered that the threshold of acceptability in this instance.

She shrugged, showing that even she was unsure of it.

"Of course. A couple."

She said it in a tone of voice that had me thinking "a couple" meant exactly two, no more and no less.

That wasn't something to be ashamed of actually. The school was so tiny there wasn't much room in it for large friend groups, but most people were familiar with each other whether they were close or not. I had a feeling Kim didn't speak much to anyone other than those two friends. And now Emily and Jared. Unless Emily and Jared were the "couple." I hoped not. Despite what some might think, I wasn't that cruel, and I would feel bad for Kim if she had always been alone.

"Been friends with them long?"

I was trying to discretely work around the subject so she wouldn't know I suspected her of having no friends outside the pack. I wasn't sure how effective I was. Any skill with subtlety I used to possess had no doubt disappeared after hanging around the pack for the length of time I had.

Kim nodded. Speaking about these friends gave her more confidence.

"I've known them both since I was a baby. They're sisters, and our moms have always been best friends. We were basically raised together."

That might explain why she struggled so much with making friends. She latched onto those two girls and never bothered trying to make new ones.

"Sounds nice," I said.

It was such a throwaway comment that people rarely said with much fervor, but I didn't have much else to say.

Kim shrugged. "I guess so. To be honest, I don't feel like I fit with them that much anymore. We're more friends because we always have been, and Kaylah is two years younger anyway."

Seth's age then, if I was correct about Kim being in the same year of school as Jared. I would have to check with Seth to see if he knew anything about that girl. Maybe it would tell me something about Kim.

Wait. Why did I even care? I'd mostly dismissed Kim. We were not cut out to be friends. So why was I going to go snooping around trying to learn about her second-third-whatever-hand? Maybe I was more desperate for new connections than I had realized. The online dating profile had been a cry for help.

I realized Kim was looking at me with the expectation that I would continue talking.

"Growing apart happens. Look at me and Emily. She used to be my best friend and now…"

I motioned with my hands. Kim offered me a sad smile and a nod.

"I imagine it's kind of similar," she said, sounding more confident. "But also not. Like, you try to push Emily away while she tries to pull you closer. With my friends and me it's all sort of different from how it used to be. None of us betrayed the other or anything."

Something about her tone as she discussed both of our friendships made me think she realized a lot more about relationships than one would think from her shyness. I wondered how closely she monitored other people's actions. She seemed like she could be one of those people who were always watching.

"True." I was never one to back down from calling my situation worse than someone else's. "That makes you growing apart from your friends all the more normal though because God knows nothing about my life is normal."

She nodded in acceptance. I liked it. Most people with connections to the pack would have rolled their eyes or flat out scoffed at me painting my situation in a light more negative than they thought it warranted. While Kim didn't respond, I didn't get the impression she flat out disagreed either. She just accepted my view of my own personal problems.

She was doing a number on my impression of her tonight.

As we approached her house, I realized that I had never been here before. I remembered its location and appearance only because I had seen it in Jared's thoughts. I tried to remember how much of my knowledge of Kim came from those same thoughts instead of from her. I wasn't sure. My knowledge of her had all become one entity in my head with no sources, but I figured it was more of it than I had bothered to consider before.

Maybe it wasn't fair to judge someone based solely on what you know about them through a sappy, supernatural love connection that you despise. I should give the girl another chance.

One that was only partially motivated by sympathy.

"Thanks for walking home with me, Leah."

Her smile portrayed a level of comfort I had never seen her exhibit around me before. I had only seen it directed at Emily and then a different sort of version directed at Jared. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that one.

"You're welcome. It wasn't all that bad. _You're_ not that bad to be around."

Her smile widened as her cheeks deepened again. The girl didn't need to bother with blush if she was like this all the time.

"You're not that bad either, Leah. Actually, I think you're pretty nice when it's important."

It was so close to what I constantly said to myself that my eyes might have widened at Kim's words. If she noticed, she didn't let on. She offered me one last wave and disappeared into her house.

For a "bachelorette party" I had been dreading for months, I may have gotten something positive out of it.

 **March 19th, 2007**

It was hard to remind myself of that positivity when I woke up the next morning. Somehow, thoughts of the wedding were in my head before my brain had even processed that I was awake. I swore there was a certain feeling in the air that gave the occasion away even though nothing was happening in proximity to our house. As if I would let that happen.

The sound of Seth and Mom moving about the house hit me soon after. I rolled over groggily to look at the alarm clock I hadn't set. The wedding was this evening. For stupidly sentimental reasons over the date, Sam and Emily had insisted on getting married on a Monday, and that meant pushing the wedding until the evening so the younger guests could still go to school that day and the older ones could work.

I had no plans to get up earlier than I would have if there were nothing happening at all. It wasn't as if I planned to put much effort into my appearance. I would wear the dress Emily had picked out, but my short hair would be styled the same as always. I hadn't even pulled my makeup out since I realized it was useless when you were morphing into a giant wolf daily, and I didn't consider today an important enough occasion to try it out again.

Early afternoon light poured into my room through the curtains. I turned to lay flat on my back and take it all in. It was too nice outside. I would have been more satisfied with thunder and lightening. Because it would match my mood and not because it would ruin the wedding. Maybe.

The wedding was happening indoors anyway. Emily hadn't thought it smart to chance an outdoor wedding in March. Maybe the nice weather was the true downer for everyone else too.

I kept up my pretense that today was just any other day until two hours before the wedding when I slipped on my dress. I had been planning to walk to the site of the wedding, but Mom had shut down anything that might ruin my dress. I would've been lying if I said the same thought had crossed my own mind except with a different sort of emotion.

I could tell that Seth was excited on the way there even though he struggled to keep a neutral demeanor for my sake. I guess it was a "it's the thought that counts" moment. Mom sympathized with me more. I could tell she wasn't thrilled about the wedding either, although it didn't affect her the same way it did me. Her thoughts couldn't move past the idea that she was watching her daughter's ex-boyfriend marry her niece.

The situation at the wedding location was much calmer than I knew weddings to be. Of course, most of my knowledge came from reality TV shows. I hadn't experienced all that many weddings. Still, things were quiet. Only Emily, her mom, sister-in-law, and Kim were there when I arrived. The guys wouldn't get here until right before the wedding because they apparently had much less to do, and the guests weren't due to arrive yet.

Emily had been shoved into a back room even though there was no one here yet who wasn't allowed to see her. I got the impression upon walking in that she would freak out if she actually saw the place set up. God knows I almost did, and it wasn't my wedding.

Somehow, the idea that Sam and Emily were getting married had remained an abstract one to me up until this point. I hadn't been able to feel it as a tangible thing that would happen and that I would experience.

Now that I was, it was unleashing a whole new wave of emotions I hadn't been expecting. Fuck this entire day. I wanted to be back in bed.

Kim and Sasha, Emily's sister-in-law, were set to be the two other bridesmaids. Even though Emily and I had sworn to be each other's maids-of-honor our entire lives, Sasha would be taking over the role. I didn't want it, but the idea still stung more than I would like to admit. I felt betrayed all over again even though I knew this time it was ridiculous considering I never would have agreed.

I shouldn't have agreed to this. Hell, I should have gotten an all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas and missed out on this roller coaster all together. That's what would have happened if the universe was at all sympathetic towards me. But I was unemployed and not in school because I turned into a giant fucking wolf and lived off nothing but my mother's money, so here I was in La Push. The actually being at the wedding part might have been my fault at least as much as it was the universe's, but blaming someone else felt nicer.

As the clock ticked closer and closer to the ceremony, things began to feel more like what I had imagined. Emily's mom was the first to begin acting strange, but soon it was everyone but me. I just lounged in a chair in the corner, not even gushing over Emily's dress or makeup like anyone else.

Under different circumstances Mom would have scolded me for being unhelpful, but she ignored me, as did everyone else in the room. It wasn't like none of them knew what was going on. My aunt was aware of who it was her daughter was marrying. I wanted to bash my head into the wall over how happy my own family could look about it.

Mom and Kim were the only ones to show me even a pinch of sympathy, but I avoided their gazes. I wouldn't let myself sink further into this. My mask couldn't have any cracks or it might fall off completely.

Everyone but Emily and her father were sent out into the main area of the ceremony about five minutes before it was scheduled to start. Sam was standing towards the front with Jared, Paul, and Embry at his side.

The choice of Jared and Paul made complete sense, but I was a bit angry with Embry for agreeing. He'd been the fourth of us to phase, and sure, he was friends with Sam. I was his beta now though, yet he had agreed to be in this stupid wedding. I had also agreed to be in the bridal party, but that was an insignificant detail.

The guys left Sam to meet us in the back for the walk down the aisle. They had rehearsed this yesterday, before the bachelorette party, at the one part of this entire thing I had managed to miss. Walking down the aisle with Embry couldn't be that hard. I was at least glad it was with one of the guys who was least likely to mock me at any point in this thing.

That didn't mean I didn't glare at him when he approached me. He looked appropriately sheepish but didn't say anything as we waited for the music to start and signal our walk down the aisle. We'd lead the way after Claire as the flower girl, putting us at the fringes of the bridal party once at the front.

Claire was excited about her assigned role. She was already scooping up flowers from her basket and tossing them on the floor as fast as Quil could scoop them up and put them back in the basket. Sasha kept scolding her, but the toddler was unperturbed, not even glancing her mother's way at she giggled in amusement over Quil cleaning up after her. That girl was going to be a menace.

When the music started, Claire bolted down the aisle in excitement. Even with her speed, she was out of flowers by the time she made it halfway, and she skipped the rest of the distance while smiling at the crowd for their amusement. Her father had to pull her over to him once she had reached the front as she wanted to keep everyone's attention on her.

The distraction had been enough that I felt less nervous as Embry and I started down the aisle, but there was still the glaring problem of Sam being directly in front of me the entire walk.

I didn't glance at his face. Not wanting to seem weak by staring at the floor, I focused on a spot on the wall past where Emily would stand in less than five minutes. Sam was nothing more than a blur on the edge of my vision. I wouldn't let him become more than that. I couldn't handle making eye contact with him.

Sensing my increasing unease, Embry raised his opposite hand to rest on my own that was wrapped around his arm. I wasn't sure if it helped me emotionally, but it did help steady my stride and make me less worried I would trip in front of everyone.

We separated once we reached the front, and having no one to lean on for support made me feel like I was more likely to topple over. I planted my feet firmly in place as soon as I reached my spot, determined not to so much as wobble.

Kim and Jared were walking down the aisle, turning everyone's attention away from me, thankfully. I watched them long enough to see that Kim looked like she was about to vomit. At least that would make me look unaffected in comparison. Or I hoped I hadn't looked so sickly. If anything, I had looked close to punching someone in the face. According to others, that was my default expression.

By the time the ceremony started, I had found an interesting spot on the wall and saw little reason to watch anything else. My lack of attention was no doubt obvious to everyone in the crowd, but they were all so concerned with the happy couple that I doubted anyone noticed.

I'd managed to distance myself from reality enough that I was surprised to realize the ceremony had ended. I came back to reality in time to see Sam and Emily traipsing down the aisle to loud applause. I clapped my hands together half-heartedly a few times out of politeness but didn't give it much effort. It wasn't like anyone was looking my way anyway.

Except Embry was.

I had forgotten we had to walk back down the aisle until I realized he was watching me from the spot we were meant to meet. The rest of the party already having disappeared. Looking around, I saw that more than a few people had noticed, and I could only hope my face wasn't turning a shade darker.

It was difficult to tell when you were blushing when your temperature already ran so high.

I hurried to take Embry's arm again, and we made it down the aisle much faster than we had the first time.

The new husband and wife were greeting guests near the end of the aisle, but I was quick to steer in the opposite direction, not realizing I still had a grip on Embry until he was already coming with me. In an act of pure spontaneity, I didn't let go. Instead, I pulled Embry around the fringes of the crowd and out the back door into the much quieter back of the place.

For the first time in hours, or possibly all day, I felt like I could breathe again. I leaned back against the building, feeling the jagged edges of the brick dig into the delicate fabric of the dress and not caring in the slightest. It took a few moments for me to remember to drop Embry's arm, but as soon as I did, he mimicked my position of leaning against the wall. He didn't voice any sort of complaint that I had dragged him out here by force.

I took a few more calming breaths before I could speak.

"So, that happened."

Embry hummed in agreement. I feared I would see a sympathetic or worried gaze if I were to glance over at him, so I stared out at the surrounding trees instead. For once, I just wanted to phase. Usually I despised being in wolf form, but for the first time, I knew what Jake was onto when he ran away all those months ago. I could do with disappearing and surviving on my own for months. It would be a great way to just forget it all, but it wouldn't solve anything.

The noise from the other side of the building got louder as we stood there with more people filtering out the main door.

"It's strange, isn't it?"

I looked over at Embry questioningly, but he had tilted his head towards the ground as he talked.

"Imprinting," he elaborated.

I shrugged even though he wasn't watching me and began chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"I don't allow myself to think of it that often to be honest."

"You don't let yourself, sure, but you have to think about it quite a bit. Whether you want to or not. I do."

He said it in a way that suggested this was the first time he'd admitted it out loud. I didn't get why I would be the one he'd choose to share an apparent weakness with.

I just shrugged again, not knowing how to respond.

"More than I'd like, obviously," I said.

It was quiet for a few more moments before I couldn't control my curiosity.

"But why does it bother _you_?"

Embry sighed.

"We're the oldest two without an imprint. You have to have realized. The younger wolves shouldn't have imprints. They're too young-"

"Claire," I interrupted.

"Different," Embry countered quickly enough to show he had been expecting the argument. "Quil would have gone off and married someone else by the time she had grown up. That's why it makes sense for him to imprint on her now and it just be platonic until she's older.

"If the younger wolves imprinted on some girl now they'd screw it up. Let's face it. They have no idea how to interact with girls. I know for a fact Moses is still figuring out how to jack off. You've seen-"

I reached up hastily to cover his mouth with my hand.

"Yes, and we're not reliving it."

"The point is," he continued as if my interruption hadn't happened. "It makes sense for none of the younger wolves to have imprinted, but the two of us are the only ones older than fifteen who haven't."

"It's supposed to be rare," I pointed out. I wished I could keep the bitterness out of my voice but I couldn't. "Besides, I'm the only female wolf. We don't even know if I _can_ imprint."

The look on Embry's face told me he'd been thinking a lot about my specific situation. I kind of wanted to punch him in the face.

"I think you can," he said while staring into the distance. "Your period only stopped because you're not aging for the moment. It should come again once you stop phasing. Even if imprinting is only about babies, which I don't buy, you should be able to have one."

"Okay," I stopped him, voice shaking. I couldn't deal with this conversation on today of all days. "Can we just go to the reception now and get it over with? Then I can go home and drown myself in the five boxes of chocolate I bought for my own personal celebration."

Embry offered me a comforting smile. Usually I would have scoffed at pathetic attempts at comfort, but this time I found myself smiling back as he nodded at me to lead the way back into the craziness.


	4. April

**A/N: I had a review that I wanted to respond to, and I'll have to do it here since it was a guest review. The guest commented that Leah's period stopping made no sense because, in that case, the guys wouldn't be producing semen either. I get why you think that, I guess, but I will say that Leah's period stopping was one thing about the Twilight universe that made complete sense to me (and I can't say that about everything else). It also lines up with the vampires, where the females can't have kids but the males still produce something along the lines of semen (except with venom). Since that's how the vamps work, it makes sense that it would carry over to the wolves. And females of either not having periods makes complete sense to me because it really does require the body to change a ton, which is kind of impossible when your body isn't actually changing. It's not really the same for guys. Their bodies don't have to go through as many changes for it all. It's not like their bodies have stopped producing other fluids, like saliva or blood (talking about the wolves only here obviously), and I don't really see semen as being that much different. The period thing though, I get. Anyway, that's not really important, I suppose, since the Twilight universe's rules are set, and I decided to play by them for this story. I think things like this are interesting to talk about though, so I thought I'd add my two cents. On with the chapter...**

 **April 15th, 2007**

The steady stream of birthday parties continued.

I felt the same sort of obligation towards Robbie and Al, albeit less strongly. I was their beta now, and in some weird and unexpected way, I had come to feel like their older sister. Al was excited that he could call himself a teenager, and Robbie, who was turning eleven, had such an innocence to him that I couldn't help the bit of fondness I felt for the kid.

When I had realized their birthdays were each within six days of mine, it had felt like asking them if they wanted a joint birthday party had been the smart thing to do. And I hadn't done it on some whim either. It had been well thought out. Combining three pack birthdays into one meant less parties, and I knew I would be pressured into having a party anyway. Having one with two other, much more eager, honored guests took most of the spotlight off of me.

I hadn't been sure how two young boys would react to sharing a party with me. I had asked them while all three of us were wolves in order to hear their real thoughts on the idea, and I'd been shocked when I felt the genuine excitement they experienced over the offer. They were honored that an "adult" like me would consider sharing a birthday party with them and had jumped at the chance.

I was becoming stupidly fond of every single member of this pack. It was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped.

The biggest downside to the joint party idea was that I had lost executive control of the guest list. I didn't care about what the cake was or where the party was held, but I did wish I could have controlled who was there. Mostly, I just wished Sam and Emily weren't.

They'd kicked the cheesiness up a notch since getting back from their honeymoon. It was even more sickening than I had thought it could be.

And why were they here? Al and Robbie had phased for the first time after the pack split, so Sam had never been their alpha. I didn't think either of them were that close to Sam or Emily. Was the couple's presence really necessary?

I could tell each of the boys was enthusiastic about pack togetherness shit or whatever, so I let it slide. I couldn't boot them off the list without it becoming a big deal anyway. And I'd be seen as especially bitter right after the wedding, and we wouldn't want that.

This whole thing felt like Robbie and Al's party more than mine anyway, since I'd given the reins over to them. It would have felt like I'd wrestled away control if I tried to edit the guest list, even if it was my party too. Other than letting them know who I wanted there (i.e. my mom because the few other people I would invite were already on their own lists), I had done nothing except show up.

It wouldn't have been a bad way to have a birthday party if it weren't for Sam and Emily. Why couldn't they still be in Northern California or wherever it was they went for their honeymoon? I'd been tuned out for those discussions, so I wasn't sure I was right.

The largest bright side, in my mind, was that the weather was definitely spring-like by now. That didn't mean quite as much from a temperature standpoint now that I ran warm year-round, but from a beauty standpoint I appreciated it.

Spring had always been my favorite season. I loved seeing everything become a vibrant green that not even the evergreens could manage to keep during the winter. The birds came back in full force, and all the various other animals came out of hiding. I got why so many people throughout history had considered spring the season of rebirth.

Back when I was more of an optimist, I'd enjoyed the idea of having a birthday in spring because I'd quite literally been born in that season. It was like I was reborn into each new age during spring as well.

Now I wasn't aging, and whether I had been on this earth for another year or not didn't seem as important. Technically, I had been alive for twenty-one years now, but would this birthday only count once I allowed my body to age again? What did that mean for my life now that I could say my physical aging and my chronological age didn't match? It wasn't noticeable now, but would it be by the time I quit phasing? If I phased for ten years, what would it be like to be in my thirties but not have aged for a decade? I didn't think I'd find compliments on how young I looked as comforting as others might.

No one around me had time for such existential crises, so I tried to smile at least as much as I usually did. Which, let's be real, was about twice the entire party. The positive side of being the so-called pack bitch was I could have these morbid sorts of thoughts and no one thought much of it.

Robbie and Al were in a more significant conundrum than me with age in any case, yet it was also different. They were turning eleven and thirteen, but they each already looked like they were in their late teens if not their early twenties. They could go without aging for roughly ten years before worrying about whether or not they looked their age. Maybe that's why the universe had decided to age up the wolves like it did. I just didn't get as large of an advantage.

I had perched myself at the edge of the commotion, a plate that had formerly been filled with food sat in front of me. I watched the younger members of both packs with amusement. Al and Robbie hadn't invited many people from school. The guests were mostly pack. That may have been the largest downside to the age they looked. They would have looked out of place beside kids their own age who weren't also wolves. It would appear almost comical for them to be friends.

No doubt the kids their age thought so too. Moses and Robbie had always been best friends, but I knew Al had lost his best friend after phasing. All of us had overheard his upset thoughts over it. He'd tried to maintain the friendship and failed. Ethan was in his year at school and also a wolf, but they hadn't been that close before. Even now their new friendship was hindered by being in different packs.

I didn't envy them having to go through middle school with such a huge secret looming over their shoulders. The one grace I had been granted was the luck of not having to attend high school while a wolf. I was grateful I could say I had that one positive.

People had been coming over every now and then as I sat there. For some, it seemed like little more than an obligation as this was partly a celebration for my birthday. A few were only Al's or Ethan's guests who I didn't know, and I just had to thank them for the "happy birthday" and was done. Others, particularly the members of my pack, stayed around for longer and talked to me in ways that didn't seem forced.

Now I watched with a bit of detachment as Jake wandered over to me, Nessie in tow.

I hadn't seen the little monster in several weeks, and as much as I hated to admit it, it felt nice to see her again. Her general attitude about life tended to remind me of Seth before he recently became moody. It was nice to see there was still someone out there who could maintain that youthful sort of enthusiasm even though she possessed an intelligence that surpassed mine.

"Happy birthday, Leah!" Nessie cheered in her ringing voice. I wondered idly if that would mature as she did or if her voice would always have that high sort of quality. I imagined it would be music-like based on the other vampires, but Nessie's was unique in how child-like it sounded. Even as she had gotten older, it hadn't changed, and it was odd to think of it getting any deeper.

"Thanks, Ness."

I offered her the slightest of smiles.

It had become easier for me to admit that I was fond of her. Jake brought her around so much that I was exposed to her far more than any other kid, except perhaps Claire. But Nessie could have far more interesting conversations with you than Claire could, which made for a more interesting time. She was charming to an annoying degree.

Jake's influence was affecting her for the better. I wondered how Nessie would be turning out without him in her life, and I thought it would be incredibly different. He was already exposing her to far more than the vamps would have. Human food being a simple example. I could have been looking too much into it, but I thought it was making her more worldly.

She hadn't picked up any of the traits of her mother or father that pissed me off yet, so I considered that an optimistic sign.

Jake had come bearing a full plate. It had to have been his fourth at least. I let Nessie babble onto me about something she was excited to have learned, and I nodded on occasion even though I didn't care. Eventually, she wore herself out and quieted, and Jake finished the last of his food.

I ran my finger along the surface of the picnic table we sat at before I spoke.

"How realistic do you think it would be to have a pack member, particularly the beta, attending college in, say, Port Angeles?"

I chanced a glance up to see Jacob watching me with interest.

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

I shrugged.

"When wasn't I thinking about it? I started trying to decide if it was a realistic idea, maybe, yesterday."

And had spent all night obsessing over it too. My birthday had set off a quarter life crisis. As if my entire life wasn't enough of a crisis already.

Jake continued to watch me for a moment before he shrugged.

"I don't see why it would be a problem. We already balance everyone else's school. Why not yours? If you ran to and from school, that could count as a patrol, and it's not like your and Sam's usual patrols are necessary anyway. If we needed to, patrols before and after school would be fine unless some sort of emergency happens."

A weight lifted off my chest, and I took in deeper breaths than I had in the last twenty-four hours.

"You think I could do it?"

Jake smiled. "The only caution I can think of is being careful to control your temper so you don't phase in class, but that hasn't been a problem for you in months."

It hadn't been a problem for me since about a month after I phased. I'd been so desperate to go back to as much normalcy as possible that I'd been sure to work at that like I'd never worked at anything in my life.

"Do you really think I could do it?"

In all honesty, I hadn't expected to get support so quickly. I had thought this was something I'd have to fight for if I wanted it, and I hadn't been sure I would be strong enough to achieve it. Now that I knew at least one person thought I could do it, I felt like I might have a chance.

"Of course," he said. "You can't be a wolf forever, and we're all going to have to get paying jobs eventually. Going to college is smart. None of us should be able to stop you. You didn't sign up to be a protector."

"Okay then." The words felt disconnected from my body, like I wasn't saying them. "I guess I'll have to apply then and get everything ready. I don't even know if I can still get into fall classes."

"You should find out." Jake offered me one final grin as he stood up. "If the deadline is soon, you'd want to know about that."

I nodded dumbly as he and Nessie walked off. I watched Nessie hang off of his arm and jump more than walk.

The other wolves at the party would have been able to overhear Jake and I talking if they had wanted to, but I didn't think any of them had bothered. None of them acted like anything strange was going on at least, so I decided that pretending I wasn't in the middle of a life altering decision was the way to go for today. If anyone did have objections, I would rather deal with them later. As in after my actual birthday a week from now. Actually, after I had gotten in and was sure I could go.

For now, I had my alpha's approval. Which had apparently been necessary for me on a subconscious level (damn phasing). Everyone else would have to deal with it later.

 **April 22nd, 2014**

I'd been twenty-one for roughly twenty-four hours, and nothing felt different. Everything in my life remained the same, and celebrating the fact I could legally get drunk sounded boring.

My friends who could drink consisted of Rachel, and two people getting drunk together was depressing more than it was fun. Besides, I hadn't tried, but I had little hope that my supernatural metabolism would allow any alcohol to stick around for long.

The realization that I was another year older and yet exactly the same was the final straw I needed to apply to the school. I'd spent the past week looking into everything, and every single minute I was alone in the house had been devoted to putting together everything I needed.

I felt bad keeping this from my mom, but it felt important for me to keep the information from anyone until I knew for sure I had an "okay" on the college's end. My mom had dealt with enough in the past year. No need to taunt her with the idea that her daughter might be going to college only to have that fall through as well. Waiting was the better option in the long run, even if it made me feel terrible now.

Today was a Sunday. On days like today, Mom and Seth were usually both home, and the computer would have been off limits for this. Today, though, things had miraculously worked out differently.

Seth had phased on accident and ruined his latest pair of shoes, which meant an impromptu trip to the store. It was the first time Seth had an accidental phase in months. He'd never had much trouble controlling his temper. I knew this related back to his recent moodiness, but I pushed my sympathy aside and seized the chance to send off my application. I'd been planning to do it Monday, but I may have lost my mind if I didn't do it right then and there.

Hell, I would still lose my mind waiting to hear back.

Once the application was on its way to the school, I set myself in front of the television. It felt like the only way to appear normal when Mom and Seth got back considering I couldn't focus well on anything else.

I couldn't tell you what was on the screen when Mom and Seth walked in the front door. My mind had drifted off to thoughts of what it would be like to be in college. Particularly, what it would be like to meet someone I hadn't known since childhood.

The online dating thing had been a total bust. I still checked once a week, if that, but it was for comical reasons more than anything else. I hadn't even had anything that could be considered a proper conversation since I had joined.

Seth sat beside me on the couch, not saying anything in greeting. I glanced down at his new shoes. They looked identical, except newer, to his previous pair. He was staring at the TV, and he crossed his arms across his chest in a way that would have been so un-Seth-like not too long ago.

I sighed and leaned over to push my brother a bit. He turned his head towards me. I think he was trying to glare, but his lack of experience showed.

"Something tells me this isn't about shoes," I commented.

It was the closest I had come to hinting that I knew what had been plaguing him. I had always wanted it to be something he came to me about instead, but something about sending off my application had given me a push to be more forward. Maybe that was the only way he'd finally talk.

Seth glanced towards the hall Mom had disappeared down. There was no way she could hear our whispered voices as a human.

"Leave it, Leah."

Seth's voice sounded more threatening than it ever had before, but it took a lot of snarling for a wolf to back down.

"Look, Seth, I'm not going to make you tell me anything you don't want to. All I'm saying is that maybe acknowledging what's going on will help."

"Because that's what you do with everything."

"Hey," I cried out it faux annoyance. "I talk about what has me pissed off all the time. That's not the problem."

"Then it obviously doesn't help, does it?"

Seth wasn't usually one to call me a bitter harpy. He saw my behavior the same as everyone else, but I'd always gotten the impression that he didn't like labeling me as terminally angry. Him finally doing so was a bit of a blow, but I got striking out at people when you thought you might be vulnerable if you didn't.

"Maybe it does. You don't know. Maybe I'd be a million times worse of a person if I bottled all my anger up."

"Maybe," he agreed unconvincingly.

He didn't look prepared to say anything else. His eyes had latched back onto the television screen and developed a glazed over look that hinted the show wasn't what was running through his head.

"Just-" I hesitated, unable to force the words out. I hadn't tried to either open up or have someone open up to me in such a long time. "If you want to talk about it, I'm here. Remember that I'm your sister."

I could feel my face heating up. An impressive feat with my hot temperature. I bit into the inside of my cheek as I waited for some sort of reply. Seth continued staring at the screen, and I detected a hint of extra color in his cheeks too. He was usually so open with his emotions, so his awkwardness towards this was new to me. A lot of Seth's actions were new to me lately.

I sighed and stood up to let him wallow in solitude. I knew that's what I would have wanted in his place.

 **April 29th, 2007**

"I don't like the outdoors," Rachel grumbled after tripping over a small stick she should have easily stepped over. "This was always Rebecca's sort of thing. That's why she's the one who went to Hawaii."

"You know her better than me, but I'm pretty sure that Solomon dude is why she went to Hawaii."

I stopped walking for a second as I debated going in a particular direction but decided against it. Rachel would be pissed if I went farther off of any sort of trail.

"Excuses."

I knew Rachel's already terrible mood was the source of these complaints and not Rebecca's life choices. We both knew we were each right in a way. Solomon was the reason Rebecca was in Hawaii, but he wasn't the reason she had left La Push.

I envied Rebecca sometimes. I had used to envy Rachel the same way until she wound up back here again and an imprint. Rachel would have been enough to convince me that the belief you never escape the reservation was true, but Rebecca was still one exception I could hold up to make me feel better. I wasn't sure that I wanted to move away forever yet, but I definitely felt like I needed to escape in some capacity. The twins had both done it, but I had failed.

I wouldn't say any of this to Rachel. Part of the reason we made such great friends was that we both balked at the idea of getting too emotional with others. That topic was in dangerous territory for both of us.

It was laughable when I thought about the past. In the aftermath of their mother's death, Rachel and Rebecca had both become very vocal about their wishes to escape. They talked about it for the rest of our childhoods. I, on the other hand, had been content with La Push. Not just content but happy.

Now I was the one yearning to leave, and Rachel was back here with a soul mate. True, she'd told Paul she still wanted to leave the reservation as soon as he stopped phasing, but that had been right after she came back. The longer she stayed, the more comfortable and content Rachel seemed to be about staying here longer than she had planned.

"Hey, Rachel." I wasn't sure how to broach the topic in the best way, but I had a strong need to try now. "Where would you want to live if you could live anywhere?"

Rachel looked at me closely, and I could tell she was thinking about my motivation for asking the question. She sighed and shook her head. We'd stopped walking and stood across from each other in the forest.

"I honestly have no idea," she said. "I never have. I went to school in Seattle because it was close and the easiest place to escape to. The only reason I came back to La Push in the first place is because I couldn't figure out where to go after that. I still don't know."

"But it is somewhere that's not La Push."

Rachel shrugged. She started walking again, forcing me to turn away from her and continue on too.

"I don't know, Leah. I spent years thinking that this place was filled with too many bad memories for me to make anymore good ones, but the past few months have proven that wrong. Not that I would necessarily choose to be thrust into the world of wolves and vampires, but I have been, so there's no going back on that now.

"I know you hate imprinting, but Paul imprinting on me has honestly changed my mind about La Push more than anything. I'm still not sure if I want to live here forever, but I'm not scared of it like I used to be."

I was struck by the honesty in her voice. I was also jealous. I wanted to have that sort of turnaround, and I didn't see it happening anytime soon.

 **April 30th, 2007**

This was officially my first time entirely alone with the little monster. She'd been in La Push to spend time with Jacob, but someone had to watch her while he was at school.

I'd scoffed when Jacob had called. Her family was a town over and could get anywhere using supernatural speed. They were more than capable of watching over her. Apparently, though, they wanted Nessie to have as much interaction with humans, and even wolves, as she could. They thought it would be better for her instead of being around no one but vampires, which, yeah, of course.

Getting their reasoning and agreeing with it didn't mean I was thrilled about being the chosen one. I didn't have much experience with kids, let alone half-vampire ones, and I had no idea how I was meant to keep a young child occupied all day. A young child who was less than a year old and had already started reading Shakespeare on her own. (For my own sanity, I assumed she couldn't understand what she was reading.) I couldn't have been prepared for this.

The one thing I was thankful for was that Nessie's strange maturity meant she wasn't throwing temper tantrums like I had seen other toddlers do in the past. I had warned Jacob that, if that happened, I may not be able to stop from phasing, and he'd laughed in my face. I got it. It had been a shit excuse. Maybe Nessie was more like a normal kid with her parents, but thinking about her going off on me wasn't even possible. She was polite to the point of it being scary.

She'd also brought _The Complete Works of Shakespeare_ with her this morning. The book was almost as large was she was, and she'd settled in with it draping over her lap as soon as she got here, not moving from the position since. She'd hunted earlier, I'd been told, so it was doubtful she'd need any human food while I watched her. Instead, she got to sit scarily still and read.

I watched her with curiosity. She didn't notice. I kept wondering if I should say something about the supernatural stillness. The point of being around humans was lost, after all, if she let that become a habit. The only thing different between her and a vampire was that Nessie's breathing was natural and not faked like the vamps had to learn to do.

The girl was strangely fascinating. It might have been the vampire in her that made her that way. After all, she had the same beauty without the air of fear that all the vampires triggered in humans.

She was biting her lip in a nervous fashion that she hadn't picked up from her relatives either, so maybe their plans were paying off. The stillness could always be passed off as an odd trait when Nessie appeared human in various other ways.

I could tell she was biting down hard enough that, had her skin been that of a human, she would have bitten through it, and that was if she had normal teeth, not sharp vamp ones.

"Ness." Her eyes jerked up to meet mine almost as if she had been anticipating my words. "You okay?"

I watched her eyes widen at my question. She sighed and glanced back down at her book, not taking in what was on the page. She had an internal debate before she looked back up at me and shook her head.

I sighed. I wasn't excited to be comforting her, but I could already picture how angry Jake would be if he picked up an upset imprint.

"What's wrong?"

I should have expected her to revert back to her power in a time of distress instead of relying on words. Nessie still preferred her own, personal form of communication, but her parents discouraged her from using it with those who weren't vampires whether they knew the secret or not. They wanted her to be used to expressing herself "normally" around humans. It was one of the only things I agreed with Bella and Edward on but Jacob didn't. He'd complained in the past that Nessie shouldn't be denied something that made her unique.

She took my hand with no hesitation. I never let people touch me anymore, so I was taken aback even though I had known it was coming. Her touch was light yet commanded me not to pull away. I only had a split second to realize her hand was around mine before her thoughts were flashing through my head.

I saw the Cullens' house that I had last stepped foot in several months ago. Nothing about it had changed. All the Cullens sat around talking. Nessie flashed me only bits and pieces of their conversation, but I could get the gist of it: They were trying to decide if it was possible or not for them to remain in Forks.

Before Nessie pulled away, I was having my own stream of thoughts.

This complicated things.

"Does Jake know about this?" I asked.

Nessie shook her head.

"I'm not allowed to tell him. Mama said."

Of course she did. It would be just like Bella to not tell Jake that his imprint could be moving all the way across the world at any moment. Or maybe she expected Jake to go with them. That would also be a very Bella-like thing to assume without asking.

There were a million ways this scenario could play out, and none of them were ideal. I wanted the Cullens gone, don't get me wrong. Nothing would make me happier. But Nessie being Jacob's imprint was a big deal. He couldn't be apart from her. The only options here were them living apart, Nessie staying here, or Jacob going with them, and out of all of those, only Nessie staying here would actually work.

Jake couldn't be the alpha of a pack that was thousands of miles away.

But none of that was what Nessie was worried about. (Or maybe it was. Her absurd intelligence might have meant she had picked up on all that too.) She was more concerned about what this meant for her personally.

"You're scared they'll make you go away when you don't want to go."

I tried to keep my voice gentle, and it didn't sound like me.

She nodded again, eyes wide and earnest.

"I told them I don't want to go, but Mama said I was too young to make a decision like that. That I have to trust the adults."

Of course Bella, the girl who decided to die and become a vampire at seventeen, had said that.

"Look, Ness. I can't do anything about whatever your parents decide to do, but I am going to have to tell Jake about this. He's my alpha, and you're his imprint. That means I'm obligated to tell him."

I had expected her to protest, so her grin threw me off.

"That's what I expected," she admitted. "I'm not allowed to tell him, but they said nothing about you. I wanted you to know since you can tell him."

I couldn't help but just look at her in surprise for a moment.

"Huh. Someday I'm going to have to stop being so impressed with you, Ness."

Her grin widened as she soaked in the compliment.

She was quick to return to her reading then, and there was a much happier demeanor about her now that she knew Jake would find out the secret soon enough. No doubt she expected Jake to fix everything for her like he always did. I wasn't confident he had as much power as Nessie thought he did, but God knew he would put up a fight when it involved his imprint. I just hoped this didn't explode into something huge. We were supposed to be done with all that.

For hours, Nessie was able to occupy herself with books. It was insane. I did some reading too, but I also had to distract myself with the television and several snack sessions. That girl had an attention span like I'd never seen before.

She was also more attuned to the sounds that signalled Jake was nearby. She was out the door while he was still a mile away from the house. It was a good thing I knew she wouldn't get hurt across that distance because I wasn't going after her, and I could only imagine the repercussions for me if anything happened to her before she'd been deposited back into Jake's care.

I was still sitting on the couch when they re-entered the house. I gave Nessie a look, and she disappeared into the kitchen under the pretense of getting water even though we all knew she would be able to hear.

Jacob was watching me, having noticed something was wrong from my expression.

"What's up?" he asked, sitting down in the exact spot Nessie had occupied all day.

"Nessie decided to show me something today that she was forbidden from telling you."

His face clouded instantly. I knew Jake thought this sort of shit was already over. We all had. Jake imprinting on Nessie was supposed to be the sign that Bella was done jerking Jake around like a toy, but none of us had bothered to think about how she could do the exact same thing as the mother of his imprint.

"What's that?" he asked cautiously.

"The Cullens are thinking about moving. They don't know if they can live here anymore. Nessie wanted me to tell you since she couldn't."

Jacob's face grew darker as I talked. I was outwardly cringing because I knew how much he had to be fuming inside. The rest of the pack and I would be hearing about this for weeks.

Nessie flew back into the room and to Jake's side. He pulled her onto his lap without a thought, and she snuggled into his chest. A large part of me felt awkward sitting there while they comforted each other, but it also felt weird to get up and leave when I was the one who lived here.

Nessie placed her hand on Jake's forearm, and I imagined she was asking him what they were going to do or maybe showing him what she had shown me. Did Nessie still think the ban of her saying it to him outright was in place?

"I don't know, Ness," Jake answered her verbally. "I'll take you home right now and talk to your parents, okay? We'll figure it out."

She nodded, and she looked so trusting that she really looked like a four-year-old to me for the first time. She was putting her complete trust in Jacob that he would make things like they should be. There was no way he wouldn't be able to in her eyes.

Jake turned to me, and I jumped a little. I had felt like I wasn't even in the room anymore, like neither one of them could see me.

"Thank you, Leah. Both for watching her and for telling me." I nodded. It wasn't like I had much choice in either action considering pack dynamics, but I wasn't going to argue. "I'm going to go try and sort this out."

It was a sardonic comment, as if he knew how serious this was but wanted to make it sound less so to Nessie. I nodded to him, watching him and Nessie go with a frown. This could get messy for all of us.


	5. May

**A/N: You guys had really great responses last chapter, especially to the period thing. I want to respond to what you said, but I also don't want to write an absurdly long author's note, which is what it would turn into. (Plus, I'm posting this pretty late and should be going to sleep right now.) I did want to let you know that I read all your comments, and I really appreciate them all. You have really interesting and valid points. The period thing is definitely an interesting thing to discuss, and I see what those of you who commented on it are saying. There are definitely ways fictional universes won't quite work out too. I've been writing about my own fictional universe for years now, and I know I'm still realizing that certain things don't make sense and having to switch things up. That probably makes me go a bit easier on Stephenie Meyer about things that may not 100% make sense. Anyway, on with the chapter...**

 **May 9th, 2007**

Watching the sunrise had sort of become my thing. I enjoyed the time it gave me to think, and the usual breeze from over the ocean felt nice against my always heated skin. Often, this was the only time I was at peace.

Most days I could count on being here alone, but I was increasingly putting up with Embry's presence as well. At first it had only been weekends, but more and more he was showing up before school as well. While most teenage boys would have slept in as late as they could, Embry was making it a habit to show up on the cliff instead.

When we had sat in the same spots on New Year's, I hadn't expected it to become part of our entire year, but Embry's plans hadn't matched up with mine.

Annoyingly, I wasn't that bothered by his presence. That was largely because he left me alone. If I didn't know better I would think he was only there to enjoy the sunrise for his own sake and I had nothing to do with it.

The biggest problem was that I couldn't figure out why he thought it was necessary to show up as often as he did. I had been acting much less like a bitch lately, and I thought everyone else could see it too. Surely, they weren't worried enough about me that they were sending Embry in every day.

No, I couldn't rationalize Jake, as an alpha, having told Embry come, and I couldn't imagine any of the guys being so worried that they would have agreed on something like this. Embry was coming here because he wanted to, but despite my strengthening friendship with the other wolves, I couldn't figure out why that was. We hardly talked during these mornings, and the other guys were all still passed out in their beds, ready to jump out and run to school at the last minute. (One of the pros of being a high school-aged shapeshifter, or so I was told.)

My preoccupation with it was just too much, so that particular day, I had to talk. Otherwise I would have driven myself mad while trying to trick myself into being calm.

"Is Jake still fighting with Bella?" I asked even though we both knew I was as aware of the answer as he was.

Part of sharing a pack mind was that information could be transferred easily. It eliminated a lot of choices for conversational topics in these sorts of situations. I'd seen just about anything I could ask in someone's head already.

Embry answered anyway, not letting on that he knew the question was unnecessary.

"Yep. Last I figured, it's been five days since the last time he talked to her and they blew up again."

I remembered the fight well from Jake's thoughts. He'd replayed it more than a few times while we were both phased over the past week, and we'd only phased at the same time twice. The entire pack had managed to watch it for themselves by now, and all of Sam's pack had heard about it second-hand.

"I think Sam's almost as angry as Jake is," Embry continued. "No one likes that there's drama with the Cullens so soon after it calmed down the last time, but you know Sam's always been such a stickler for the treaty. The treaty's gone to shit now, of course, but I think he still thinks they've betrayed us in some sort of formal way somehow."

I scoffed.

"Sounds like Sam. If Jake and Bella don't kiss and make up soon, I wouldn't be surprised if Sam tries to launch an attack on the Cullens all over again. Then Jake and all the rest of us will have to defend them because they're Jake's imprint's family, and we'll be right back where we were last year."

"Preferably without the added threat of vampire royalty."

"Having met them makes me think we could take on the Cullens even more. They're nothing in comparison."

"I'd rather we not stage any battles right now. Or ever."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"You turn into a giant wolf, Embry. You should be more prone to violence."

Embry shrugged with a smirk.

"Real wolves aren't all that violent unless threatened, Leah."

"Have you researched them or something?" I shook my head in disbelief. "I know nothing about actual wolves."

Embry shook his head.

"I haven't. Doesn't everyone know that? It's, like, a thing. Wild animals only attack if they're hungry or provoked. I guess wolves are violent to whatever they eat, but that doesn't count."

"Do you think they'll go?" I asked abruptly, changing the topic back to what we had been talking about before. "The Cullens, I mean."

This had been bothering me since Nessie told me it was a possibility. I didn't like how worried I felt when I had no control over the situation.

Embry sighed as he looked out over the ocean.

"I have no idea. Jake and Seth are the only ones of us who know them well enough to predict their actions, and with Bella and Jake not talking, Nessie and Edward are the only two sources we have."

"But Seth won't even talk to Edward about it. I tried talking to him the other day."

"Yeah, I know. I was there when he had the same conversation with Jake. Jake wanted to use him as a spy or something. Nessie won't say anything to him because Bella told her not too, and it hurts her when she has to turn Jake down, so that hurts Jake too. Anyways, he won't ask her anymore. Seth talking to Edward is all he's got, and Seth won't do it. He knows Jake won't alpha order him to do it either."

"I know. I'm pretty sure it's killing him too. You know he hero worships both Jake and Edward. Choosing between them is driving him crazy, and he already has enough going on as it is. I wish Jake would lay off."

Embry didn't say anything, but he did nod. I would never discuss with Embry what I knew we both suspected. This was the closest I had ever gotten to doing so. I knew very well that he, and the rest of the pack, had picked up on the same things I had, so I had little problem just hinting at the larger issue. We were all in Seth's head too much to be unaware of it, and it was becoming harder to ignore.

It was also becoming more frustrating to ignore. I felt like pulling my hair out every time I thought about it these days.

"I have school," Embry announced out of nowhere.

I still wasn't sure how he knew exactly when he needed to leave for school. As far as I could tell, he didn't have a watch on him, and if he did, I hadn't see him look at it. Yet, somehow, every single day he was here, I would go home after he left and see that it was right after the time class would have started over at the school.

I nodded and turned back to the sun for one more long look before I followed Embry's lead and went back home.

 **March 13th, 2007**

It took being at the party for about five minutes before I realized this was the first time I had been in Sam and Emily's house since the wedding. I had paid the customary visit before patrols, but I hadn't actually stepped into it.

Nothing and yet everything had changed.

The entire pack milled around like normal except with the addition of Emily's family and a few friends from Makah. Sam and Emily had reached a new high of insufferability that was both left over from the wedding and because today was Emily's birthday.

Like with so many other things, the only reason I was here was to prove to everyone else that I was unbothered. I thought that if this had come before the wedding, I really would have been, but I was still feeling the aftershocks of that, which had me a little on the "not okay" side of things.

Having come with Seth wasn't helping as my little brother's constant melancholy was hitting an all time high. Or was it a low? He wasn't trying to hide how downtrodden he felt about life anymore. He just mopped about in a way that looked more pathetic than I ever had. (I hoped, at least. I would have died before letting people see me in that state.)

Seth left me as soon as we were in the house to go talk to Ethan. I watched as the other wolf tried to talk about something upbeat, but Seth just smiled slightly before his face dropped again. Ethan sighed and also frowned, upset that his attempt at distraction hadn't worked.

I turned away from them to the rest of the party. Embry, Quil, and Jake were gathered in a cluster in a corner, and I started towards them without giving it much thought. It felt natural these days to gravitate towards the members of our pack. They were the closest thing I had had to a group of friends in such a long time. I didn't even question if they wanted me to go away anymore. In the past, I had felt like an outsider, but over the past months I had stopped that without realizing it. I felt like a crucial part of our pack now that I was the beta, and realizing that they didn't mind my presence had come along with that.

I didn't bother with any sort of small talk once I reached them, just launched into my complaints.

"I can't believe we have to do this again in only two weeks."

Quil gasped in mock offense.

"You can't tell me you aren't thrilled about me and Embry's joint birthday. It's going to be the party of the year."

"Your three-year-old imprint will be there," I pointed out. "I don't think those are the sorts of parties that get labeled 'party of the year.'"

"If the party makes Claire happy, it'll be the party of the year as far as Quil's concerned," Embry joked.

He dodged a hit from Quil that only made him laugh harder.

"Honestly though," Embry continued. "It won't be any different from any other ones of these things. What exactly are we supposed to do when we have these fucking parties at least twice a month?"

"It's not that often, is it?" Jake looked confused as he tried to picture the calendar in his head.

It felt like that was the case to me, although it probably didn't seem as tedious to anyone else. I caught Embry's eye, and his look made me wonder if his comment had been for me anyway.

"Seventeen wolves and five imprints," Embry continued to point out. "That's a hell of a lot of birthdays."

"I guess it is." Quil shrugged. "I'd never given it much thought before. Can't complain about free food."

I smirked.

"Emily gives you free food all the time anyway. As if you need a party as an excuse."

Quil laughed and shrugged again.

"I'm still not going to turn down free food."

This started a conversation about what food Embry and Quil planned to have at their party. I tuned out after a while, not caring much about it. My news ran through my mind over and over. I wanted to get it out to someone, but Emily's party wasn't the place. I would look like I was trying to take away any attention she was receiving even though the reality was that I felt like I was about to burst from holding it inside.

Jake was still the only one who could have guessed.

Embry's voice called me out of my thoughts, and I noticed all three boys were watching me with a hint of amusement.

"You okay. Leah?" Embry asked.

"Yeah, fine. I was just thinking."

"About what exactly?" Quil laughed. "You're not the daydreaming type."

"You're being vague on purpose." Jake's words were certain, not questioning her. "This wouldn't happen to be about that one thing we talked about, would it? Weren't you supposed to hear back?"

Jacob had checked up with me about the college thing several times since I brought it up to him. I'd been surprised, and the first time, I had brushed it off as the alpha trying to decide how his pack would work. After a couple of times though, I could tell Jake was asking more as a friend than my alpha. He genuinely wanted to know how my plans were going. It was nice considering he was still the only one who knew I had applied.

Embry and Quil were both watching Jake and me with suspicion now, so I figured I might as well go for it.

"I did," I told Jake before turning my attention to the other two. "I, um- I applied to college in Port Angeles last month. I got in."

I couldn't help the ridiculous smile that broke out on my face as I said it. It was embarrassing, but I hadn't been this proud of myself in such a long time that I couldn't contain it. All three boys smiled, looking happy for me, and that only increased my own joy.

"Really?" Embry asked, happiness in his voice. "You're going then? To college?"

I nodded. By now, our conversation had caught the attention of the other wolves in the room. I blushed as I realized they had all turned their attention toward us. The humans present looked more confused, not quite able to make out our conversation for themselves.

"You applied to college?" Seth asked.

I felt bad for not having told my family first, but in all fairness, I hadn't been expecting to tell anyone tonight. And Seth had been so upset with everything lately that I didn't think he would have been able to provide the enthusiasm I craved anyway.

"Leah!" my mom exclaimed, causing me to cringe. "Really?"

I did a half-nod, half-shrug thing.

"I was going to tell you, I swear. It's just- I wanted to wait until I got in, and I only found out yesterday. And I didn't think today would be a good time." I glanced over at Emily who was staring at me in surprise. "But now we're here so…"

I watched Emily's expression go through a range of emotions, but it was hard to pinpoint what any of them were. She finally settled on a small smile.

"No," she said, voice cracking a bit. "We should celebrate that too. I'm happy for you, Leah, and I'm happy that we all got to hear."

She waited for a reaction from me, so I nodded. I thought the negative parts of her reaction were because she wished she was still close enough to have heard about this differently and not because I was stealing her party from her, but I couldn't be certain. I wished I was unconcerned about her reaction, but in reality, it felt like a constant pestering in my mind even as my mom began babbling onto me about what my plans were.

Our conversation was happy and excited, but every so often, I couldn't help but glance over at a sad and dejected looking Emily. And then I had to fight to push down the rush of emotions I had become so good at repressing.

 **May 26th, 2007**

"I hate this," I muttered for the hundredth time.

Only two weeks since the last one, and we were already on our way to another birthday party. Sure, Embry and Quil's was guaranteed to be less painful than Emily's, but I still wasn't looking forward to it. I might have been dreading it more because I had to see Emily face-to-face again. I'd managed to avoid it since the party. The boys being out of school meant more people to run weekday patrols and less for me.

And next year that responsibility wouldn't fall on me at all because I'd be in Port Angeles every weekday. That felt strange to say. Every time I mentioned it out loud, I'd have to stop for a second and remind myself it was true. Despite everyone around me knowing, it still felt like some kind of long, drawn out hallucination instead of reality.

"It'll be fine," Seth snapped.

Mom was with us this time as we walked to the party. She sighed as she listened to both of her children voicing anger with the world. I think Seth had her more upset than me. She still wasn't used to her once cheerful son being moody as fuck twenty-four seven.

He had yet to approach me about talking despite my offer, and he was getting harder to take every day.

"Whatever, Seth," I shot back.

The two of us had never fought as much as siblings tend to do. When we did, it was usually small arguments that we moved on from quickly. Nowadays, our arguments were growing more often and our jabs becoming more pointed. I didn't like it when I stopped to reflect, but in the heat of the moment, I was having a tough time taking Seth these days.

Seth didn't bother with a comeback as we entered the party. He was moody, but he still lacked a certain anger that was needed to ignite a fire. It was the only thing that kept our small arguments from becoming much larger. God knew I had enough fire for the both of us, so I couldn't imagine what it would be like if Seth had it too.

My mom made a beeline for the kitchen. Probably to get a strong drink so she could forget what her two kids put her through. Seth sat down away from everyone else, which had become his new normal. Everyone left him alone this time. I was worried they would start to pull away now that he had become unresponsive. The pack bond meant Seth had some form of a support system no matter what, but I was scared he was losing them as friends.

The younger wolves pissed me off quite a bit with their faux machismos, but they were good guys at the heart of it all. I had faith they would become bearable with time and age. I didn't think they were abandoning Seth just because, but I couldn't blame them for being around him less. Seth brought everyone down these days, and the younger wolves were right at that age where you were incapable of dealing with drama in any sort of rational way.

I got it. I didn't like the position it left my little brother in, but I got it.

Hell, my friends had supposedly been mature, but I'd fallen out of touch with all of them since I pulled away like Seth had. I'd also been meaner to them, so maybe there was more hope for Seth than there had been for me.

I turned away from Seth to see that Kim was the only one in the room who was paying any sort of attention to me. She sat at Jared's side across the room on a sofa several feet from the chair Seth had taken, but her eyes were on me. She smiled hesitantly when she saw she had captured my attention. I nodded awkwardly back.

My relationship (friendship?) with Kim had gotten strange in recent months. She was ostensibly Emily's best friend, which meant she never would have been my first choice for even the most casual of a friend, but she was pack, meaning I was happier getting along with her than not. She also wasn't hard to get along with. I shouldn't have been surprised considering Emily liked to spend time with her, and I had liked spending time with Emily for the majority of my life.

The girl's personality clashed with mine, but when you thought about the fact that Jared was her soul mate, it was hard to imagine Kim how I had in the past. I was learning Kim actually had a personality that contrasted well with almost anyone's, which allowed her to get along with everyone and there be no animosity towards her.

The more time I spent with the girl, the more I liked her, much to my chagrin. It would have been much easier to hate her, but as time went on, I found myself to be less of a bitter person. That naturally led to me making friends again. Tiny little issues with someone's personality weren't enough to turn me off like they had been for a long time. Even if I was still more irritable than some.

Kim's smile widened when I didn't turn away from her, and she motioned to the empty spot beside her on the couch. I sighed and walked over. Part of me becoming less bitter was that it was becoming harder to watch anyone get hurt from me snubbing them. I didn't want to see Kim disappointed because I was rude. In some ways, being bitter enough to be concerned with only my own feelings had made things easier.

That was a life lesson for the day: Being mean is easier than being nice. Unless you don't have a working heart.

Maybe that meant my heart had finally healed itself. Or at least almost healed itself. Sometimes, I thought it had, and sometimes, I thought it hadn't. I'd make significant progress and then feel like shit again soon after. It was an endless cycle that I couldn't get out of and the main reason I was so eager for college to start and break the cruel monotony of my life. No matter how much I tried to temper the feeling, I had some naive hope that getting out of this town for just a few hours each day would make things better.

Kim inclined her head towards Seth with a frown as I sat down. I shrugged. There was nothing I could say when he was right there. Even now, he had probably picked up on the fact we were communicating about him. He did have supernatural senses.

I didn't glance over to see, not wanting to draw attention to us, but Seth didn't say anything or react from what I could see out the corner of my eye.

Kim continued frowning at him for a moment. She did have a big heart, but she usually seemed hesitant to cheer people up like she wanted to. I wondered if she would be capable of making any improvement with Seth if she wasn't so shy. I thought maybe she would, but that didn't matter much when she would never try. Not unless Seth came to her first, which would never happen in a million years.

And I had to admit that I'd be pissed if Seth went to Kim of all people before me.

"You doing okay?" Kim asked me.

She was one of the few people I knew who could ask that question and sound like she meant it.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Things are the same as always."

I was sure she would pick up the consequences of that in my eyes, but even I was surprised at how neutral my voice sounded at the idea.

She nodded and smiled.

"That's good to hear."

And again I could tell she meant it. I couldn't help myself from commenting.

"How are you Jared's imprint?"

She blushed a bright red and snuggled closer into Jared's side.

Jared had only been half paying attention to our conversation, but he turned toward us now as he wrapped his arm tighter around Kim. An amused smile on his face.

"Because I'm brilliant. Obviously."

I snorted. "Whatever."

I realized with a jolt that I kind of missed verbally sparring with Jared. It had happened all the time when we were both members of Sam's pack. I still talked to Paul these days because of Rachel, but I hadn't realized how little I had said anything to Jared until that moment.

I didn't like the feeling. For all the talk of pack bonding and being like brothers (and sister, they would grudgingly add), I had never wanted to think that I fit into that sort of thing. I was the odd one out that everyone just tolerated. Nothing more.

My feelings about that may have changed since joining Jake's pack, but it remained true when it came to my memories of Sam's pack. I had been miserable the entire time, and fought with everyone constantly, especially Jared and Paul. I couldn't miss them now.

Besides, what kind of messed up person misses having certain people in their head even if they're close? It was all kinds of weird if you stopped and thought about it. I don't want myself in my head the majority of the time, let alone other people.

"So," Jared continued, grin turning into a smirk. "I haven't really gotten to talk to you since you went and got accepted into college on us."

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest as protection from what was about to unfold.

"You make it sound like I went and screwed you over or something. It's not like I'm leaving, and even if I was, I'm not in the same pack as you anymore anyway."

"Woah." He held up his hand with a laugh. "I thought you were past seeing everything as an insult, Leah. No need to jump on me for a harmless comment."

I glared and gripped my midsection tighter. I'd seen everything as an insult because those were just about the only things to ever come out of Jared's mouth towards me.

Jared rolled his eyes at my reaction.

"I think it's cool, Leah. You'll be the only one of us to've done it."

"Only me and Sam have finished high school."

"Well, yeah." Jared shrugged. "But Sam hasn't done it."

I tried to make my nod seem uncaring, but in reality, I was very aware of that fact. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said it didn't bring me a feeling of satisfaction every time I thought about it. It wasn't the reason I was doing anything, but it was a nice bonus I liked reaping the benefits of. This was the only thing I could think of where I'd gotten something Sam had always wanted. He'd dreamed of college far more than I had, and now I was going. It was only fair when he'd gotten all of my own biggest dreams.

Jared was strangely serious when he continued.

"Good luck. I bet that'll be cool."

It was a simple statement. One that could have been a throwaway comment only half-heartedly meant, but I'd spent ample time in Jared's head. I knew the sentiment behind it was genuine. It was the closest to sentimental I'd seen him get, and I was blown away. Was Kim, who was smiling up at him like he'd hung the moon, getting to him?

"Sure," I replied, trying to sound as casual as he had.

It was useless when he could read me as well as I could read him, but it felt necessary for my pride. And I didn't know how else to respond. The important thing was that he knew I got it. I didn't understand why, but I got it.


	6. June

**June 7th, 2007**

I couldn't help the glare I was sending Bella from across the table. It was just how my face settled whenever I looked at her, and no amount of glares from Mom was going to change that. Bella, for her part, ignored me. I didn't know her well, but it seemed out of character. I'd always thought of her as attention-seeking, and somehow calling attention to the fact I hated her would do just that.

What mom had gone through to get me here was impressive. No shapeshifter in Quileute history had been forced into something (other than by an imprint) like my mom had forced me to Charlie Swan's house.

For a fucking dinner. With two fucking vampires. It didn't make sense, and I wanted to make sure everyone was aware of that because they didn't seem to be.

My mom sat at one end of the dinner table with me on her right, across from Bella. The constant kicking my mom was doing felt like nothing, and it didn't detract from my glares. Seth sat beside me. Getting to eat dinner with Edward was the happiest I'd seen him in a while, so maybe I should have been happy about it. Then I looked at Edward and Bella sitting there with empty plates in front of them, and I couldn't do it.

So I focused on Seth or Nessie instead. The only people at this table I felt any positivity towards at the moment.

Charlie had grown more awkward throughout the meal, so I figured my plan was working on one person at least. I felt a bit bad. I had nothing against Charlie, and my anger was directed at Mom, Bella, and Edward. I got wanting to have dinner with your daughter, but _I_ didn't want to have dinner with his daughter.

Could it be called "having dinner with" when the other people weren't eating? It was more like "having dinner across from."

Mom was the last to finish her food by a long shot. I think she was stalling in order to buy herself time for whatever was unnerving her. I had a hunch what it was, but it wasn't a large enough one for me to say anything out loud.

I knew Edward could tell what was going on from Mom's and Charlie's thoughts. He'd been acting odd ever since he got here. Even now he looked at me as I thought this, smirking a bit to let me know he had heard. I glared to remind him to stay out of my head, and he chuckled quietly as usual. It was becoming too much like a routine between us. Since when was I even in the guy's presence on a regular basis?

Eventually, Mom had eaten her entire plate as well as seconds, and she couldn't hold it off any longer. She lowered her fork, letting it clang against the plate as the room became abnormally quiet. Even Nessie, who had remained blissfully unaware of the various strong emotions running through the room, perked up as she sensed the anticipation.

Mom cleared her throat.

"Charlie and I have something to tell you all."

My heart pounded in my chest, and I struggled to control my breathing in order to not appear as worried as I was. It was clear now what was happening.

"Charlie and I have decided to get married."

I think Charlie mumbled something in agreement, but I was too focused on my mother to make it out. I had expected this, but hearing the words come out of my mother's mouth was hard. A little over a year since Dad had died, and it still felt like yesterday. I couldn't process the idea of having Charlie as a stepdad. I couldn't even process having a stepdad.

"That's great!" Bella exclaimed.

She had a huge smile on her face that felt out of character from my experiences with Bella. And, yeah, it was easy for her when her mother was still alive and she was incapable of even remembering her parents' marriage. Her mother had already done the remarriage thing. What reason would Bella have to be upset?

"It is great, Mom," Seth chimed in, offering our mother a smile much more muted than Bella's had been.

I couldn't tell if he was being genuine or not. For the first time in a long time, I found Seth impossible to read, and I didn't think that was a good sign.

I looked to Nessie hoping, foolishly, that she would provide some semblance of sanity for me in this moment. Her eyes were glancing around at everyone in the room as if she sensed there were a variety of different emotions happening and she wasn't sure what to do. It was a stark contrast to her naive obliviousness just minutes ago.

"Congratulations, Grandpa. Congratulations, Sue," she rang out in her high voice. It was a happy congratulations, but I saw her glance at me after she said it like she was worried I'd be angry at her. I sighed and made sure my expression wasn't one of anger. I couldn't give her anything happy, but I'd only seen Nessie upset once, and I'd been the one she ended up coming to with that. I wouldn't upset her purposefully.

God, I still couldn't believe how much a stupid half-leech had me around her finger. Fuck Jacob Black, and fuck imprinting. And most of all fuck Bella and Edward for deciding that humans, vampires, and sex just go together so well.

Edward snorted, so at least I was providing someone with amusement. It was the least composed I'd ever seen him, and the others looked at him like he was crazy. Then they all turned to me like they knew.

I stared at an interesting spot on the wall with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

"Leah," my mom began cautiously.

My heart lurched. I didn't want her upset. It wasn't her I was angry with. If I was angry at anything, it was the universe for taking my dad away, not my mom for trying to move on. I could never begrudge her that when I was doing the same thing every day.

I tried to force a smile, but I knew it came across as fake. It was the best I could do.

I had planned to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out.

"That's nice," I eventually forced out. It felt strange. The words were unlike me. The tone was unlike me. But that was all I had unless my mom would prefer I burst into tears at the table, and that was one thing I was determined not to do.

Everyone was still watching me closely. Now they were worried tears were going to begin falling at any second. There was no way I was giving them that satisfaction, so I went back to staring at the wall. That made it easier to force the tears away.

After a few awkward moments of silence, Charlie cleared his throat.

"How about some dessert?" he asked, jumping up from his chair before any of us could answer.

Charlie always was one to escape awkward moments. Bella followed after her father without making any excuses. She was probably determined to be the one to get the dessert. Always treating her own dad like he was five.

Edward followed after them too with Nessie's hand in his.

Because it wasn't at all obvious what they were doing.

"Leah," my mom began again.

Usually, she was headstrong and demanding. It made the hesitance in her voice that much harder to take.

"I'm fine, Mom."

It was getting easier to control my emotions and make my words sound true. Even so, my mom's frown showed she didn't believe me.

"Mom, I'll be fine. It was just a surprise, but I'll get over it. Not like worse things haven't happened to me."

It was true except for the surprise part, and Mom knew it. It felt easier to write my reaction off that way than to open up. I wouldn't have wanted to anywhere, but I was also aware of the two leeches in the other room who could hear everything.

"She's right, Mom," Seth chimed in, eager to show Mom that neither of us was bothered. "We're happy for you guys. Right, Leah?"

That was going a little too far, but I managed to force a nod anyway. A smile didn't come as easily. Bella and Edward had decided that we'd talked "privately" enough. Nessie scampered into the room as Bella came behind her holding a pie. Charlie and Edward quickly followed.

The vampires looked unaffected by what they'd heard, while Nessie was too focused on the sugar in front of her to think of anything else. Only Charlie glanced at Mom, not able to quite look at Seth or me. Mom offered him a smile, and I had to look away, not able to handle it.

I did nothing but stare down at the large piece of chocolate pie Seth sat down in front of me. I ran the fork through the white meringue, making tracks across it. The clanging of silverware and dishes filled the room before being replaced with cautious talking.

It was like real family bonding. If the family were a messed up little family.

There was no way I was stomaching that pie.

 **June 21st, 2007**

As the weeks passed, I grew more used to the idea of Mom marrying Charlie. I still wasn't excited about it. I never would be. But I didn't want to rip my hair out over it anymore, so that was progress.

I was feeling good all things considered. My class schedule for the coming semester was set, as were all my other plans related to school. That was happening, and there was little that could bring me down from that high.

Seth was also reverting back to his old self, and that was nice to see.

Plus, I avoided Sam and Emily like the plague. That was always great.

Emily, however, had different ideas about what constituted "great." It had taken the phone lighting up with her name five times in an hour before I answered, hoping it would make her go away.

"It's been so long since all of us girls spent time together," she continued on about ten minutes later.

It had actually been never since the last time all of us hung out just us, but Emily had created some past memories of me and all the imprints hanging out that I didn't possess.

"We never spend time together," I stated. I was getting more annoyed the longer I was on the phone with her, and I wasn't above hurting her feelings to get out of this if it was necessary. "We never have."

"We should though," Emily continued. Why did she have to be so tenacious? "It's not like we have many people to relate to. It'll be good to get together with people who understand."

The guys would get me more than the imprints. The only thing I could get from them that I couldn't get from other women was the mere knowledge that shapeshifters and vampires existed. It wasn't doing me much good.

"Whatever. I think it's unnecessary."

Emily sighed. "Leah."

There was so much sadness in my name that I rolled my eyes. At this point, I couldn't help but believe she did it more to guilt me than from any genuine emotions she felt. It pissed me off more than it made me want to give in. The old Emily who had actually known me would have realized that.

Instead, I had to put up with this new Emily who wanted me as her friend because of our past and because it was some sort of challenge, not because she cared enough to take a minute and consider how I felt. If she did, she would leave me the fuck alone.

"Look, Emily, I'm not going. I made plans to watch Nessie anyway, so even if I wanted to go, I couldn't. You guys have fun or whatever."

"Wait. Nessie could always come too. She's an imprint. Claire could come along-"

"No. I already have plans, Emily."

It was a lie, but Emily's sigh of defeat made it worth it.

"If you're sure," she said, a hopeful note still in her voice like I might take it back.

"I'm sure. Gotta hang out with the future niece and all."

Emily surely thought it was weird I referred to Nessie that way. I liked the kid, but she would never be my niece. If she called me "Aunt Leah" at any point in time, I'd never speak to her again. I was desperate to sell this, though, when I didn't have any plans of the sort.

"Right," Emily agreed. "Have fun then. Bye."

I answered her goodbye and hung up the phone before she could get another word in.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I stared down at the device. I could see myself reflected back in the black screen as I looked at it.

Now I had to get ahold of Jake and make plans with Nessie within the next couple of hours. Otherwise, word would get back to Emily that I had been lying. It would have brought me satisfaction, but it would give her the opening she needed to sink her teeth in and get me to go on her little outing.

I sighed and picked up the phone again.

The phone was about to go to voicemail when Jake picked up. He was terrible about answering the phone.

"I need to ask you for something like a favor, but you're not allowed to make fun of me over it," I stated without preamble.

"What's up?" he asked, sounding curious. It wasn't like I came to him for favors that often. Or at all.

"Emily planned this stupid ass 'imprint outing' or something and was trying to get me to go. I sort of told her I had plans with Nessie to get out of it. Now I need plans with Nessie."

Jake laughed on the other end of the line, but it lacked the mocking tone that would have pissed me off. Instead, I just rolled my eyes with a hint of annoyance.

"I think I can make it happen. Nessie'll be thrilled."

"Good for her," I muttered, voice also missing its usual bite in these types of situations.

Jake just laughed again. I tried to repress the grin that was threatening to take over my face.

"I'll call Bells right now and set it up," he continued. "I'll let you know what happens."

I wanted to groan at the thought of Bella hearing about what had happened with me and Emily.

"Maybe leave out the exact situation?" I asked, trying not to sound like I was pleading.

"I'll keep you as undesperate sounding as possible," he promised. "I'll even say I'm making you do it because Nessie wanted to see you or something. Ness would play along."

She would. That girl was a blessing sometimes.

Not that I'd say that out loud.

"Thanks, Jake. I owe you."

"Nah. We're passed the whole owing thing. We just help each other out, Leah. We're pack."

"Right. Pack."

Every day I was a little closer to believing that saying all the guys were so fond of throwing around casually.


	7. July

**July 16th, 2007**

Letting an online dating profile sit inactive for months was a bad idea. I hadn't been expecting the old messages sitting around once I logged in. I'd been losing interest in the site, but once Seth was out of school for the summer, it had been impossible to sneak on to check it.

But today Seth was off with Jake, Embry, and Quil doing god knows what while Mom was at work. I'd planned to do nothing more than watch crappy television or read a book all day, but when I'd glanced over at the computer, I'd been filled with curiosity. Suddenly, I wanted to check on the website I had all but forgotten about.

I scrolled through the messages. It wasn't like there were that many when you took into consideration how long it had been since I opened my inbox. Plus, half of them seemed generic. Like those guys sent messages that all said the same thing to tons of girls in hopes that just one would answer. I wouldn't be that one.

I had expected to flip through the messages in disinterest and then close the window, having been reminded why it was I had stopped going on here. I hadn't expected one of the messages to catch my attention and make me read it more thoroughly.

Even when I'd been checking the site, it had felt more like a joke than something serious. I'd joined in desperation, but I hadn't let myself dare to believe I would meet a guy on there.

Not that I had met a guy in so many words. It was more like I had found a guy I might be interested in. That was still more than I had expected, and not something I had encountered on the site before.

I scrolled through his profile without realizing I was leaning in closer to the screen until my eyes started to burn. I jerked back, angry at myself. The guy had sent me one message, and I'd read a bio that could be full of lies. Why was my stomach fluttering? That was ridiculous.

The butterflies in my stomach grew stronger as I went back to his message and hit the reply option. I struggled to control my breathing as I stared at the blank, white square with the cursor flashing in and out to remind me what I was trying to do.

What did I say?

It had been more than a week since his message. Maybe it would be weird to message him back this late. Or maybe it was the correct amount of not carrying that was recommended. I hadn't read those shit magazines since high school. I didn't fucking know how to deal with guys anymore.

I steeled myself and began typing, not allowing myself to give my words much thought. It was one message to a guy I didn't know. If he gathered that I was crazy from it, it wasn't like I'd be losing anything. This was low stakes. It was always supposed to be low stakes.

I hit the send button before I could give it anymore thought.

My heart continued hammering as I watched it go, but my breathing slowed. I logged out before I started refreshing the inbox. I would never become that person.

 **July 22nd, 2007**

A week later, I'd started sneaking onto the computer every day to talk to the guy for at least an hour.

He was sweet. As sweet as a guy could be when your only communication with him was through computer messages.

The problem was that I was only communicating with him through computer messages. I couldn't keep doing it. This wasn't what I wanted.

Well, it was, but I knew it would go to ruins. We had no future. This guy was off living a normal life, and I was here turning into a wolf that kills vampires. He would run screaming if he learned about who I was, and I wasn't going to set myself up for heartbreak again. I might not survive it.

I took a deep breath as I stared at the screen that was asking if if I was absolutely, completely, and entirely sure I wanted to delete my account. I clicked yes, and closed my eyes as the screen reloaded.

I'd never talk to him again.

 **July 26th, 2007**

The others should have started taking me seriously when I made the suggestion that we throw bi-monthly birthday parties so everyone knows when to be there. It's what happened anyway.

The last two birthdays had been for Nick and Moses, and Kim's party today was contrasting with both of those parties.

Kim had acted lukewarm to the idea of even having a party. She didn't like everyone's attention being on her. I thought it was odd that she was still so shy around the pack when she had grown close to all of us since becoming an imprint.

One on one, she didn't seem shy around me anymore, but apparently, a birthday party in her honor was different. I could tell she was excited, but her nervousness over the party also made her nervous to express how excited she was.

I arrived by myself this time. Mom and Seth had gone to Forks this morning and hadn't gotten back in time for us to go together.

The scene was the same as always except this time Kim's mom was in attendance. The poor woman looked out of her element. Her eyes were wide as she took in the massive guys all around her. She knew of them like the whole rez did, of course, but this might have been the first time she'd seen all of them in one place.

Kim was at her mom's side, wringing her hands and watching the woman nervously. She seemed to think her mom was going to pass out at any moment. Jared stood on Kim's other side, trying to make conversation with his imprint's mother. The woman responded but couldn't stop herself from glancing at the wolves. I suppressed a laugh. I wished I could know what she thought about Jared dating her daughter.

I saw a dark comedy in someone who didn't know about us wolves being around us. How could I think I could bring a guy into this without the magic of an imprint? At least not when they had any sort of chance with a nice, human girl who didn't have a shit ton of secrets.

I pushed those thoughts aside. My thoughts were free from worry about the past few days. I thought I had moved on pretty well. The only problem was now I was too preoccupied with more current problems.

I still longed for a connection with someone from outside the pack circle, and I hadn't found it. I didn't think I would, no matter how much I longed for it. College was my last hope on that front, but I tried not to get myself too excited about it. That would only lead to disappointment.

Kim caught sight of my arrival and smiled and waved. She didn't look nervous about the party anymore, perhaps because she was too concerned with how her mother was reacting to the other guests. As long as it was serving as a distraction, it couldn't be all that bad. The woman would figure out the guys were harmless. Their size became less daunting once you saw how stupid they behaved. Although maybe Kim should take her somewhere else while the guys were eating. That would scare anyone.

Everyone had broken up into groups, which meant I had to make a decision. Which group was made up of only people I was willing to speak to at the moment? Embry was one of the first people I saw. There was no one with him, but two empty soda cans on the picnic table in front of him hinted that had been a recent development. I glanced over to where Quil was chasing Claire around and assumed I had found the culprit.

I made my way over and took Quil's former seat. Embry had been messing with his soda can, but he had been listening to me approach as he looked up unsurprised when I sat down.

"Hey," he greeted with a smile.

"Hi. Has Kim's mom been like that since she got here?"

Embry looked over at the woman, looking more sympathetic than I did.

"Has been since I got here at least. Brady accidentally bumped into her a little bit ago, and she made a sound like she was in a horror movie. I thought Brady was going to piss himself too."

I laughed.

"For the first time, I wish I had been here to see that."

Embry grinned at me.

"Something like it will probably happen again if she hasn't calmed down by now. No one's even introduced themselves to her because they're scared."

"Well, she'll have to get used to it because there's no way she's stopping Kim from marrying Jared."

"She will." Embry's reply was much too confident when he was vouching for a woman he didn't know. "She's seen Jared and Kim together, so she knows. Once she's been around us enough, she'll adjust."

I didn't share his faith. I didn't get how anyone could adjust to this unless they were forced to through phasing, imprinting, or a parental bond. Although maybe the parent thing applied when your daughter was an imprint as well. God knows Claire's parents had taken everything much better than I had expected. Kim's mom was still in the dark, although she had to suspect some weird shit was happening with these guys.

I had been staring out at everyone around the backyard as I thought about it. With many of my old concerns fading into the background, bringing outsiders into the world of wolves was what consumed most of my negative thoughts these days.

"Not everyone is scared of the supernatural, Leah," Embry continued. "Most people are surprised, yeah, but most people can get used to it."

I snorted. "Right."

"I'm serious. I don't think it's all that hard to accept once you have proof it exists, and once you've got that proof, you have no choice but to accept it."

"We had no choice," I corrected. "Someone who hasn't phased has every right to flee. I would."

"Would you have though?" he asked with curiosity. "If you hadn't been a wolf but had learned about us, would you be as adamant against the whole thing as you are now?"

It was a good question, and one that I had never thought about before.

"Assuming everything else was the same, I'd still have every reason to despise imprinting that I do now. That wouldn't help my feelings about wolves."

"True." Embry nodded. "But you'd also be a 'normal' human like you're always going on about wanting. You'd still have the option of getting out of it all, so would escaping be as important to you, Leah?"

I stared at him for a moment with an eyebrow raised.

"Why do you always ask these deep philosophical questions? I don't know, Embry. Why think about things I can't change?"

I left out how I constantly thought about things I couldn't change. Embry had been in my head. He knew it was a lie, but he didn't bother saying so.

"I'm just saying that maybe thinking about it could put things into perspective."

"Yeah, let me go get my 'I love being a wolf' t-shirt. I don't know why I didn't wear it before."

"I'm serious, Leah."

"I know you are, but it doesn't mean I want to hear it."

I stood up from the table. Embry sighed as I left, but I didn't look back at him. Instead, I went into the house. It was a strange move for me when I knew Emily was sure to be inside. She wanted to be in control of every pack get together. My birthday party was the only one she hadn't been in charge of, and she had tried.

Sure enough, she was in the kitchen bustling around. There was no one in there helping her, but she didn't mind. She was humming a song and darting about the kitchen like she was doing something she enjoyed. I couldn't understand that. If I were in her position, I would have ended up yelling at someone that they could cook their own damn food.

"Hey, Emily."

My greeting caused her to abruptly stop humming and twirl around to face me. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth had dropped open in a way that you only saw in movies.

"Leah, hi," she greeted me with a hesitant smile .

I nodded and stepped forward into the kitchen.

"Need any help?"

I heard her sharp intake of breath when I asked. It took her several long moments of staring before she could respond to my question.

"Of course!" Her voice was high in pitch and betrayed her excitement. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Of course you can. I can always use help."

I'd watch her shoo countless people out of the kitchen before, but I accepted the white lie and allowed her to direct me towards what I would be doing.

"I'm shit at cooking," I complained as I chopped up the fruits I'd been given.

"You're not," Emily admonished, chopping ten times my speed beside me. And I had fucking supernatural powers. "It just takes practice, like anything else."

Maybe it was my position as the fastest of the Quileute shapeshifters that caused my anger. That arbitrary title was the only thing I would admit to liking about being a wolf, and now I couldn't chop up fruit as fast as a human.

However, despite my annoyance at my shortcomings, I was aware of how I wasn't bothered by being in Emily's presence. I'd avoided her so well over the past several months, and in that time, the last lingering anger I had felt towards her had dissipated.

For the first time in two years, I thought I was ready to start letting my former best friend back into my life.

I didn't plan on tea parties or anything even remotely intimate with us in the near future, but this whole cooking time was a start.

I was also aware that everyone else was avoiding the kitchen. They knew Emily and I were in here alone together, and whether it was because they thought we may start fighting or because they wanted us to have this time together, they were ready to keep it that way. This may have been the only time all the guys had avoided the kitchen. They were usually happy to sneak bites whenever they could, even if it resulted in admonishment from Emily.

The moment felt nice. It helped that Sam's name didn't come up even once, but really, none of our problems were about that anymore. They had morphed and evolved into something more manageable. It was just that it was only now that I was willing to start dealing with them. Or maybe just now that I wanted to.


	8. August

**August 4th, 2007**

I chewed on my cheek as I studied the phone. Theoretically, it would be easy to call up Emily and ask her to hang out, just the two of us. I had no doubt she would say yes. Still, there was something in the pit of my stomach that hadn't quite caught onto the fact we were moving on with our lives and making up. Overcoming that feeling was proving difficult.

Finally, I took a deep breath and dialed the number that had previously only been in there so that I could avoid her calls. I needed to change the rude contact information if I really wanted to move on. I'd already changed everyone's except Sam's and Emily's.

Emily answered so quickly she had to have been standing near the phone. It caught me off guard, and in my surprise, I didn't answer fast enough for Emily's liking. She repeated my name several times like she couldn't believe it was me and my not answering was only increasing her disbelief.

"Yeah, hi," I finally said, having to clear my throat afterwards. "How've you been?"

"Good. You?"

Emily's tone still portrayed her disbelief. She spoke as if I was going to pull the rug out from under her and announce this was one huge practical joke and then laugh at her.

"Fine," I responded with a shrug she couldn't see.

Then came the awkward pause I had been foreseeing. It stretched on for a few moments before I forced myself to continue on with the real reason I had called.

"So, I was wondering if you had any plans for today? If you do, that's no big deal, but if not, I was thinking maybe we could do something?"

The line went quiet, and I felt the need to continue to fill it with noise.

"It's just that I'm at home and kind of bored, you know? Might be useful to get out of the house and do something."

"Uh huh," Emily agreed, skepticism not having faded. "I don't have plans. We could do something if you wanted?"

The way she spoke was such a juxtaposition to when she was usually trying to convince me to come to things. Then, she would be bubbly and cheerful with enough faux confidence that there didn't appear to be an ounce of doubt in her. Now that she was getting what she wanted, she sounded worried.

"Lunch?" I suggested.

It was the easiest idea I had. We could go to Forks. Going anywhere else would only prolong the event, and I thought it better to start small. Plus, eating would provide me with a distraction during awkward moments as long as I was careful to eat at the same pace as Emily and not run out of food too quickly.

It was the best idea I had.

"That sounds great. I can drive?"

"That'd be fine." I tried my hardest to make my answer reassuring. "An hour from now sound good to you?"

"Yeah, that would be good."

"Okay. See you then."

"See you."

I heard Emily pause for a moment before ending the call as if she was debating adding something else, but the phone clicked off, leaving me with the dialtone.

I had a feeling this little outing was going to live up to my expectations of awkwardness.

An hour later, Emily was there on the dot. She'd always been someone to arrive on time, but the exactness of this arrival made me think she'd been waiting nearby until it was time to show up.

She was biting her lip before I got in the car as if she didn't think I would notice through the window. I tried to smile as I buckled my seatbelt, and she smiled back, trepidation still showing.

"Sully's?" she asked, fingers tapping against the steering wheel.

I nodded. It was the most logical place to go, and also somewhere Emily and I used to hang out at in the past when she came to Forks.

We were silent the entire drive there. It dragged on as I stared out the window, actually wishing I could be running along in wolf form instead of sitting in the car. I could hear Emily sigh before turning off the car in the parking lot

Neither of us said anything as we walked into the restaurant and ordered our food. Even after all this time, I was unsurprised with what Emily chose to order. She wasn't someone to get the same exact thing every time, but I knew she'd ordered that same meal at least one other time we were here.

Even as we began eating, neither one of us had spoken. I was running through different thoughts in my head and trying to decide if any of them were a good choice for conversation. None of them felt right. There were plenty of things I could say to her that I would have readily begun prattling on about in the past, but now it felt strange to do so. Despite being around each other frequently, Emily knew little of my life over the past two years, so it was difficult to decide where to start.

She was having similar struggles. So much of what she wanted to say revolved around Sam, and I knew she was carefully screening anything she might say for connections to him.

"The weather's nice," Emily said, voice squeaking.

I looked up from my fries to see her watching me carefully, her face darker in embarrassment.

"Right," she continued. "That was stupid. I'm sorry."

I grinned.

"Yeah, it was a little stupid, but I get it. I don't know what to say either."

Emily looked back up at me and sighed, any false confidence she had retained was gone. Her shoulders sunk down in a look of dejection.

"It's not the same, is it?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"I don't think it can be."

She nodded, staring down at the chipped table we sat at. She picked at a fry with one hand.

"But that doesn't mean we can't become something," I offered.

Emily looked up in surprise.

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged.

"I'm not even sure. I guess we'll have to figure it out together. I'm just saying that, if we spend more time together, it should become less awkward. Who knows what we'll become for each other. It won't be the same as before, but we can't know until we try."

She continued to watch me in disbelief.

"Who are you and what have you done to Leah Clearwater?"

I allowed myself to laugh.

"I think I'm finally allowing myself to let it go. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed about certain things the universe has decided to dump on me, like turning into a giant fucking wolf, but I'm done being angry at you and Sam. It takes too much energy. Besides, I think I accepted a long time ago that it was for the best. I just didn't want to admit that because it felt like I was okaying you two screwing me over."

"We didn't want to-"

"I know, Emily. I'm not asking for some sort of apology right now. We've been through all of that, and I don't want to go there again. For now, can we just focus on right now and not the past? Because that's what I need, and I think I've only now started figuring out how to do that."

Emily smiled, a new confidence brightening her features.

"I think I can do that."

"Good. Now eat that fry before you turn it into mashed potatoes."

Emily laughed when she looked down and saw the squashed fry in her hand, and I smiled again. I wasn't sure what road the two of us were on, but it was at least better than the dead end we had been stuck at before.

 **August 12th, 2007**

Another week, another birthday party. This one was another joint one. For Collin, Claire, and Sam this time.

Last year, I had spent what was supposed to be Sam's birthday party locked away at home. I'd managed it with little resistance because everyone had been so exhausted with Jake's incessant whining over Bella being on her honeymoon. I don't think there had been much of a party anyway due to the fear that Bella was being turned into a vampire somewhere in the world and there would be a broken treaty to deal with soon.

This year, I was here and unbothered. For the first time, I felt okay about being at a pack birthday party. Not enthusiastic. I'd still choose being somewhere else if I was given the option. But I was sure I would enjoy myself, and I hadn't usually thought that in the past.

Emily had gone all out for this party. (Lucky Collin having a party within the same week and getting to reap the rewards.) She had already set up a table with the non-perishable food when I arrived, and she was in the kitchen with everything else. For once, I was here when only a handful of other guests had arrived. I wasn't the last one. I hadn't even noticed until I was halfway there that I had left home early enough to arrive when the party started rather than after everything began.

In another move that would cause my past self an immense sense of disbelief, I made my way towards the guests of honor first. Sam's eyes widened noticeably as I approached. He was talking to Quil, who had a hyper Claire hanging off his arm. Collin also stood amongst them. There weren't that many other guests for them to mingle among yet.

"Happy birthday, Claire," I greeted the girl with a grin.

"Thank you, Leah," she replied brightly.

It was funny to think she'd been hesitant around me in the past. Right after she was born, I'd played with her the same as everyone else in the family, but after everything, I'd had no patience for childlike innocence. I had never lashed out at Claire, but she had sensed my mood after that and stayed away. It had taken her seeing Nessie's confidence around me for Claire to start to act okay with me again.

I turned to the older birthday people.

"Happy birthday," I said to them both at once.

It was easier getting them out of the way, but I offered them a small smile to let them know it was genuine.

Collin accepted it without question. I'd brightened up enough that my behavior towards him wasn't out of character. Sam, however, still looked surprised I was standing in front of him. The shocked look on his face made me self-conscious as I continued to stand there, wondering if he would say anything long after Collin had already thanked me.

He knew about my recent get-togethers with Emily. He had to. Emily and I never talked about Sam, but it was a given that she would have told him. It was doubtful there was anything she didn't tell him. There was no reason for him to be shocked that I had decided to speak to him.

I raised an eyebrow as I waited for Sam to give me the customary thank you like Collin had. He finally got it out, but he continued to look at me strangely. Happy that I wasn't feeling upset or anything of the sort but not wanting to deal with Sam's behavior, I took a step away from the group.

"I'll talk to you guys later," I said, waving goodbye.

Other people were starting to arrive now, and while they went and said their happy birthdays first thing, there were other people around to talk to as well, and I went to talk to them instead of stowing myself away in a corner for the entire party like I had in the past.

I was starting to remember that these things could be fun. Just realizing that made things brighter and put me in a better mood, which only made the party more fun. For once, I felt like my old self again, not the broken person I thought I had become.

The best part was that no one other than Sam batted an eyelid at my changed behavior. They went on as if this was how they were used to me acting. I appreciated it because I still wasn't sure how I would address it or explain myself if someone were to admit out loud that I was acting odd. I didn't have an explanation for the change.

Embry was the only one who acknowledged my behavior when he smiled at me from across the party. In other circumstances, it could have been a run of the mill smile with no significance, but there was something about it that told me he had noticed the change and was pointing it out to me. The fact he did it nonverbally and didn't expect a response from me showed how well he had come to know me since last winter. That boy had surprised me countless times since the beginning of the year.

By the end of the party, I felt mentally exhausted after all the talking I'd done. It was an unfamiliar feeling these days. For once, I had talked to every person at the party at least once.

Since becoming a wolf, I'd thought talking to my fellow pack members was useless most of the time because we were treated to every single one of each other's thoughts while phased. Then I talked to them at length and realized it was different. Getting to see how they verbalized certain events or their feelings gave me an insight into their personality that their thoughts alone were incapable of portraying. I'd never given it much thought, but maybe the mask people show to the outside world is just as much them as their inner thoughts. Maybe it was even more them in some ways than their personal thoughts that no one was meant to see. I'd been getting better about learning about the masks of the other member's of Jake's pack, but this was the first day I was giving Sam's pack the same chance.

Even the guys who I'd known before phasing had been changed by their own transformations and, in some cases, imprinting. I'd been exerting so much effort to not get to know the people who I should know the best. With only four exceptions, all the wolves had seen into my head at some point in time, and I was now recalling the saying of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Not to mention, if anyone was going to be able to understand my feelings, it would be the people who could experience them along with me.

Yes, they'd been jerks to me, but watching them now at the party, I realized every one of them were jerks to the others. I was just the only one who had reacted by shutting myself off. Apparently, it was some stupid guy thing. Or some stupid wolf thing. Whatever it was, none of the guys had ever actually hated me, and I was just now able to accept that.

Needless to say, I'd known going into the party that it would be eventful thanks to my determination to treat it differently, but I hadn't expected to have as many realizations as I did that day. So much of what I had taken for granted as truth was having to be rearranged in my mind.

Accepting that I had been wrong wasn't easy for me, but I think I was going to be able to do it.

And for the record, I still thought the universe screwed me over.

The party was nearing an end when I approached Jacob sitting alongside a dejected looking Nessie. She picked at her cake, and Jake wasn't much better. He had a fake cheerful look on his face anyone could see through.

I hadn't spoken to him all night because he was isolating himself. Or maybe Nessie was isolating herself and Jake was going along with it. Either way, they hadn't been speaking to many people, and I was curious as to why. It wouldn't do for Jake and I to switch places with the whole sulking at parties thing.

"What's up?" I asked as I took a seat.

Jake frowned when I asked the question, dropping his pretense of happiness. Nessie glanced up at me, expression not changing, before her eyes dropped down to her cake again. She kept dragging her fork through the icing.

"It's been a long day for us," Jake said.

He glanced around as if checking for any eavesdroppers. It seemed that whatever information he had, he didn't want it coming out to everyone while the party was going on.

"The Cullens and the move?" I asked.

Jake and Bella had made up a long time ago and resolved to talk about things maturely and openly. There had been direct promises to tell Jake what was happening and allow him to have a say. As far as we all knew, the Cullens had kept that end of the bargain, but it hadn't stopped them from continuing to discuss a move.

Months later and nothing had happened. I imagined that, for vampires, things like this could happen slowly and still feel quick after such a long time on earth. Most of the time, I think we forgot they might be leaving soon. Only after certain "family meetings" when Jake got upset over whatever had been discussed did us wolves ever think about it. Jake thought about it a lot more, but he'd become an expert at hiding his thoughts, especially since becoming an alpha.

"Yeah," Jake said, turning the word into more of a sigh than a word. "Rosalie and Emmett are leaving Forks in a little more than a week."

"Just those two. That's a relief, isn't it?"

Nessie looked up at me again, causing me to shift my focus to her, and I felt bad when we made eye contact. Of course losing her aunt and uncle wasn't easy for Ness, which meant it wasn't easy for Jake either, even though he and Rosalie still despised each other as much as ever. His imprint was in pain, so he was in pain. It was how the stupid shit worked.

"I just mean it's better than it could be," I continued, trying to save myself.

Jake shook his head. I wasn't sure if it was in exasperation or a result of struggling to think straight with whatever he was dealing with.

"I guess so, but it's not going to be the end either. They're moving to England, at least for now. It'll be their first time living out of the country, but that's Carlisle's home country. I think that's why they've decided it would be a good choice. It's still up in the air if everyone will join them, but it's looking more likely every day.

"At the very least, Bella, Edward, and Ness are going to be the only ones staying. Not just because of me but because of Charlie too. They keep saying that Bells can last longer here since she hasn't been here or been a vamp as long. I'm not sure if that's true when Ness is around and keeps aging supernaturally fast. There's no way to write that off without keeping her a secret. It's a small town. People talk."

"People already talk," I commented. "People know something's up with the Cullens, especially after the whole thing with Bella, I'm sure. I don't know all the latest Forks gossip, but if one person hasn't thrown out the possibility of the Cullens being vampires, even if it was while drunk and a joke, then I'd consider Forks the most oblivious town on the planet."

"People always talk, yeah. It's not like everyone here in La Push doesn't know there's something up with us. But there's a difference between that and being able to say flat out that this entire family isn't aging or that they have a little girl who ages years in only months. Eventually, they want to know what's up."

"Are you trying to make an argument about why they _should_ leave?"

Jake scrunched up his face as if he were trying to decide for himself what it was he had been trying to say. Eventually, he continued.

"I'm saying it's possible they could decide to go, and I see their reasoning. That doesn't mean I'd be happy about it or think they should do it. I think they're better off staying here. Think about Charlie. Bella only has so many years with him. She should take advantage of those while she has them. So should Ness. That's a huge reason for staying here."

"And you?"

Jake let out a long breath.

"I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket during those discussions."

"And what do you think, Ness?"

I turned to the girl who had been watching our conversation while being quiet for someone of her apparent age. She had dug her fork into the cake now, and it was crumbled into different pieces yet still uneaten.

"I want to stay here," she said in such a "you should know that without asking" voice that I wondered if she'd reached the label of teenager in her mental development.

"But do you think your parents will?" I asked, trying to get a more detailed answer out of her.

She shrugged, looking down at the cake again and taking a bite. She chewed slowly as if she had picked up on the skill of stalling.

"They won't talk to me about it," she continued once she had swallowed. "The only stuff I know is stuff Jake's told me."

I glanced over at Jacob to see him shrugging and not at all sorry. No doubt he'd be in hot water with Bella again if she found out he'd been sneaking information to Nessie, but we both knew Nessie was smart enough to know telling her parents was off limits if she wanted to continue to get information. She would also throw herself under a bus before Jake, so he was safe telling her whatever she wanted to know.

"I think they're leaning towards staying now," Nessie said, frowning as if she weren't sure of her words even as she said them. "I've tried convincing them it's what they should do, but I don't think they listen. They listen to Jacob more because he's older, and older people are supposed to know more. I think it's stupid to think I can't contribute anything."

I smiled at her. It was true Nessie was smarter than the majority of human four-year-olds, but she wasn't always wise except for that kid-like wisdom lots of kids possessed. It was the only reminder I had that she wasn't grown. She had scary book smarts, but she was still growing like anyone else would be. Sometimes I had to focus on that to normalize her existence inside my own head. Otherwise, she was scary.

"They listen to you, Ness," Jake encouraged her, placing one of his hands on her back. "They do. Even if, in the end, they do whatever it is they want to do, whatever you said to them will have been part of how they came to the decision."

I wasn't confident that Jake meant it. He was most likely telling her whatever he could to cheer her up. Bella and Edward had never struck me as people who cared much about what other people wanted, and it was a struggle for me to see them extending that courtesy even to their own daughter.

"That won't make me feel better if we move," Nessie pointed out in a petulant voice. She didn't get disciplined often because she never needed much of it. (It was a good thing, too, because I doubted many people around her would be willing to do much. All the adults in charge of her were too amazed by her existence to hurt their little angel. I might have been the only one around her who'd do it if there was a need, although I'd get shit for it later.) Still, sometimes she did have a knack for pulling out tones that sounded a lot like a toddler when they were close to throwing a temper tantrum.

Her brain was developing quicker in some ways than others. It was obvious when watching her behavior. She could already read and soak up facts, but emotionally, I think she was on track with what her physical age would imply. She didn't know how to handle a lot of things. That was in part because she had so little exposure to the world and experience handling those things. No matter how quickly you aged, you needed certain experiences to reach real maturity, and Nessie had been around for less than a year. Factor into that the reclusive nature of her family, and her ability to develop social skills at all was amazing to me. I'd like to think her exposure to me and the way I didn't coddle her like the others had helped a little.

Nessie continued on with a pout. "If we move even though they listened to what I said, then that means I didn't make my argument clear enough or that I was just plain wrong. That doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel worse."

Jake was stricken with fear as he watched tears shimmer in his imprint's eyes and her bottom lip tremble.

I could empathize even if it didn't hit me emotionally in the same way. I had only seen Nessie cry a handful of times since she'd been born, and the majority of those had been before she started talking and needed to get someone's attention to use her power. Once she'd learned to speak, she'd found crying an unnecessary way to get her thoughts across, and it wasn't like anyone gave her much of a chance to be upset when they catered to her every whim. I thought crying might do her some good, but I didn't want to be around for it.

"I'm sorry, Ness," I told her as I stood up. "I need to be getting home, but I hope things work out, okay?"

Ness nodded to me as the tears came closer to falling down her cheeks. I looked over at Jake and gave him a nod goodbye. He only spared me a quick wave, most of his attention focused on his emotional imprint.

About half of the guests had already left, so despite it being an excuse, I really had been planning to leave soon. I might as well do it now.

I was halfway across the front yard when I heard Embry hurrying to catch up with me. I slowed down and waited, lifting an eyebrow in question.

"We're in the same direction from here. I figured we could walk together."

I nodded as we set off. Embry's house and my family's were both near the center of the rez, which meant they were in the same general direction from almost anywhere on the fringes, like Sam and Emily's place was. They were still rather far apart though. We wouldn't be walking together for that long.

Embry accompanying me from places had become so normal that I should have stopped questioning it.

Embry had been the first pack member besides Jake for me to admit was my friend. He'd always been the most kind to me, even when I'd made it a regular habit to insult his parentage. We'd only grown closer since I came to my senses and stopped doing that when we'd become Jake's pack instead of Sam's. I'd stopped doing quite a lot of shitty things around then. I didn't need them to cope anymore.


	9. September

**September 3rd, 2007**

Of all the ways to spend my second to last Monday before becoming a college student, I hadn't expected it to be with a sobbing Nessie on my couch. She'd seen Rosalie and Emmett off that morning and been crying since. I'd been awoken at seven from blissful sleep to Seth pounding on my door telling me Jake was downstairs and it was important.

I had jumped out of bed expecting vampires or something of a more typical emergency that would cause an alpha to come rushing for their beta. But no, Nessie had been so pissed at her family that she refused to stay in Forks, wanting to go back to La Push with Jake instead. Bella and Edward had agreed. These days they let Nessie go off with Jacob whenever she pleased. Part of my belief that they didn't like the actual parenting part of being a parent.

Due to the imprint, of course, Jake would never have turned Nessie down, but the big kicker that someone should have pointed out before Nessie came to La Push was that Jake had school today. His first day of senior year to be exact. Not a day one wanted to miss. And considering Jake hadn't had the best attendance record since becoming a wolf, it was even more crucial he not miss. Ever. If he wanted to graduate this year, that is.

So, when such crucial problems as the well-being of his sobbing, covered in snot imprint arose, he, of course, had no choice but to thrust the problem onto his beta. I'd tried convincing him Emily was a better source of help in these sorts of cases. Claire was likely to be over there even know and would be helpful for cheering Nessie up. But Jake had gone on about me having certain duties as beta.

We needed to have a conversation about what my exact duties as beta were because I was pretty sure it didn't involve babysitting sobbing imprints. I was even more certain Jared had never had to put up with shit like this.

Now I was sitting in front of the TV, watching cartoons that Nessie was crying too loudly to focus on, while Nessie cried into my shoulder and left a huge, soaking wet spot.

She turned one in a week. I think that made it harder. Her aunt and uncle hadn't waited long enough for the birthday they had all craved for her. It was a shit thing to do when Rosalie had doted on Nessie more than her own mother had, but the leeches had cited "reasons" that I had never heard and just gone off. Apparently, they'd done some sort of birthday thing for Nessie before leaving, but I hadn't gotten enough out of her to know if it was an adequate apology.

Her first birthday was going to be one she remembered, but it would be a shit memory. Just another aspect of Nessie's existence that I found cruel. She got to live forever, yes, but her accelerated growth was causing her to lose so much too.

"Ness." I nudged her a bit to get her attention. I knew she'd been out hunting that morning, but usually, when she was over here she liked a snack of human food whenever I ate my lunch. "Do you want some lunch?"

She was still for a few moments before she nodded into my shoulder. I had to push her off to stand up. Despite her agreement to food, she was reluctant to let go of me. She fell back into the couch as I stood, rubbing at the remaining moisture in her eyes. She wasn't sobbing anymore, but there were still plenty of tears. Her eyes were red rimmed, and I wondered how easy that was to accomplish when your skin was less easily irritated than human skin.

I went into the kitchen, hoping we'd have something she would eat. Nessie wasn't the pickiest eater in the world, but she did have limitations when it came to what human food she would stomach. She tended to prefer sweet things, and she wasn't fond of meat, which I found ironic. She slurped up blood like most kids drank juice, but she said meat tasted nasty.

I was rooting through the fridge when Nessie entered the kitchen and sat down silently at the table. She crossed her arms on the wooden surface before lowering her head down on top of them. I sighed as I continued to sift through what food was available.

Mom spent a shit ton on groceries every week, but the food was gone almost as quickly. Monday was her usual shopping day because she said it was when the grocery store was the slowest, which meant today of all days was when we had the least amount of food.

There was a bowl of salad. That's what Mom ended up eating more often than not because Seth and I avoided it unless it was the only thing left. It never left me feeling full. There wasn't anything on the sweet side, which would have made Nessie happy. There wasn't even much to satisfy me, and I ate like a black hole these days.

"How do you feel about salad and some ranch dressing?" I asked. I went ahead and grabbed the bowl and bottle of dressing, shutting the refrigerator door with my hip. Even if she didn't eat it, I would.

Ness raised her head to look at me with an expression that showed she was thinking hard.

"I've never had ranch dressing," she admitted, her voice thick from all the crying. She coughed after the words like it had been painful to get them out with her raw throat.

"Good a time as any to try it, then."

I laid the food out on the counter and reached up into the cabinets for two bowls. I dumped the salad into them, giving myself about as much as Nessie. I wasn't sure how much most four-year-olds would eat, let alone a half-vampire half-human. Nessie always ate whatever was offered to her regardless of whether she liked it. It was annoying. She saw no problem in telling you she didn't like it, but she would continue eating it because she insisted that was what one did with offered food. She couldn't "waste" it, even if there were plenty of other people around willing to eat the food if she wouldn't.

I took the two bowls to the table, not bothering to put up the remaining salad in the larger bowl. I grabbed the dressing as well. I sat one portion in front of Ness and sat down with the bottle of dressing and my bowl still in hand. I unscrewed the bottle and poured out a generous portion of the dressing. It would help mask the blandness of the rest of the salad.

Once I was done, I handed the bottle off to Ness, who had been observing me as I poured. She was trying to use me to judge how much dressing was usual to pour on salads, but I hoped she took it with a grain of salt considering I'd drowned the lettuce with it.

I hadn't put any dressing on Nessie's salad because she didn't know if she would even eat it, but I wasn't going to stop her from doing anything today, so I watched as she debated what to do with the bottle. She held her fork in one hand as she carefully tipped the bottle over in the other. She watched, brow furrowed, until a tiny bit of dressing had fallen out onto the fork. It was a spot so small I never would have managed to get it and nothing else out of the bottle.

Then she took one lettuce leaf out of her bowl and dipped it into the dressing before popping it into her mouth. I watched with amusement as Nessie chewed.

"Mmm," she hummed after a bit. "It tastes much better with this than with the vinegar-oil stuff Aunt Rose tried to give me once."

I'd be lying if I said that giving Nessie food she liked better than what Rosalie Hale had given her didn't give me satisfaction. I wasn't sure what dressing Nessie was trying to describe, but no doubt it had been some pretentious type of dressing no one but snobs ate. That tended to be the only sorts of human foods the Cullens ever fed Nessie, although they hardly fed her human food at all. Her experiences with real food tended to come about when she was with Jake, who never would have thought to give her salad.

Nessie poured a generous helping of the dressing over her salad. I chewed my own meal as I watched Nessie eat hers while looking happier than she had since she showed up on my doorstep that morning.

"You know," Nessie remarked when she was down to only a few bites of salad left. "I think Mom and Dad are going to let us stay. I didn't tell you earlier because I was too upset about Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett, but that's one happy thing. I don't think we're going to move."

"Why's that?" I asked, skeptical of what Nessie would know. "Just a few weeks ago you were convinced you were going to leave."

"But Mom admitted to me that she doesn't want to go. She wants to stay here in Forks with Grandpa Charlie and Jacob. That means it'll be easier to convince her to stay."

The look on her face showed that Jake had been having way too much of an influence on her. I also believed that Bella could be convinced to stay between Nessie, Jake, and Charlie. Edward, on the other hand, would present more difficulty, and I wasn't sure if Nessie was considering that. She'd just stopped sobbing on my couch though, so I decided against pointing it out. After all, her optimism would only make her more successful in her attempts.

 **September 10th, 2007**

Everything smelled like leech. There were seventeen of us wolves milling around the Cullen property, but it wasn't doing anything to get rid of the stench.

I was amazed all the guys had come. The guys in our pack would, of course. A wolf couldn't miss their alpha's imprint's birthday, even if it meant hanging out at the home of a coven of vampires. The fact that all of Sam's pack was here along with their imprints was a surprise though. It was like a usual pack birthday party except with the added annoyance of vampires.

Even my mom was here due to her engagement to Charlie and being Nessie's future step-grandmother or whatever. I had no idea what that would be like. It sounded weird.

The pack and the Cullens and those Denali vampires the Cullens knew were the extent of Nessie's party guests, but Nessie didn't sense that she was missing anything like friends of her own age. She had Claire, and that had satisfied her. They were running around with each other the same as always. They looked like they could be the same age right now, but every time I saw them together, I couldn't help but think about how things would change now that Nessie was on the other side of one and getting older every day.

Bella beamed at everyone as they arrived and tried to greet each guest like they were close friends. I gagged when she said hi to me in such a friendly manner, but Seth ate it up, which gave me the opportunity to sneak away before I died from too much exposure to that particular leech.

It was comical to enter the backyard and see a great divide as if someone had drawn a physical line and threatened death to anyone who crossed it. On one side were the Cullens and Denali, conversing among themselves. On the other were the pack and humans, even Charlie, doing the same. I approached the pack, watching as each side cast each other ambivalent looks they thought were discrete.

Only Nessie and Claire were oblivious to the division. They flittered back and forth across the yard, and I thought Quil might be having an aneurism when I sat down beside him just as Claire followed Nessie off toward the vamps again.

"They wouldn't kill her right in front of you," I pointed out as I sat down.

Quil's eyes snapped to me before latching onto his imprint again. "Thanks for the reassurance."

"Anytime," I remarked, leaning back in my chair and trying to enjoy the cool, late summer weather as best I could when my nose burned.

Besides the two young girls, Jake was the only one at ease. He sat among the wolves, but I had little doubt he would have had no problem going over and conversing with the vampires too if he decided to do so. Imprints changed people in the strangest of ways.

"I can't believe I'm here."

The tone of Jared's voice hinted that this wasn't the first time he'd said this since he arrived, but it didn't stop every wolf's head from nodding in agreement.

I took some time to inspect the heavily decorated yard. The decorations were from the smallest of the vamps, Alice. I knew enough about them to know this was her sort of thing. She'd planned the entire party, which meant Bella and Edward had shifted parental duties in yet another category off to someone else so they didn't have to do it.

I could hear Edward make a noise of annoyance when I had the thought, and I smirked, sending a strongly worded thought meant for him. Glancing over to where he sat with Carlisle, I saw him shaking his head, but he didn't glance back at me. It wasn't my fault if he heard things he didn't want to hear while invading my goddamn privacy. You can't blame someone for their own thoughts. There wasn't anything to be done about what I believed.

I turned back towards the decorations. It looked impressive. I'd heard enough from Nessie to know the Cullens had jumped on the opportunity to celebrate a real, genuine birthday for the first time since Bella had almost died at her eighteenth. The excitement showed in the intense nature of the party. It hadn't occurred to me that store bought party decorations may not work for the first birthday party of a girl who wasn't interested in things like rattles or pacifiers or whatever the hell it was the usual one-year-old was interested in.

A light purple color dominated the decorations with hints here and there of other pastels. It still felt like a first birthday party, just a bit more, I don't know, sophisticated than usual. I'd never been to a rich child's first birthday party, but I imagined this was what it might look like. This type of stuff was for the people who could afford handmade decorations and a professional planner all for someone who would never remember the day. (Did any rich people do that? I couldn't know for sure, but I couldn't help but think there was some jaded family out there who did.) Except Alice wasn't technically a professional and Nessie would remember the day, even if the Cullens still had more than enough money to be one of those families.

Instead of the usual baby symbols or cutesy animals I had seen used for baby-oriented things in the past, there were a lot of flowers that matched the color scheme and also a few hearts scattered about. I wondered if the hearts were supposed to be symbolic of how much they loved the gift of Nessie or some cheesy shit like that. It was something I could imagine Alice and Bella giggling over for being so clever.

Overall, it was a simple yet extravagant set up. I liked it; I'd admit it. It was just that the insane attention to detail reminded me more of a wedding or something huge like that rather than a birthday party. This was like those reality shows where the rich girls had extravagant birthday parties you only watched so that you could scoff at the superficiality.

Okay. Maybe this wasn't quite as tacky. Or that expensive unless the decorations were made out of some foreign, stupidly expensive material or something. Still, I got a similar vibe from our surroundings.

I was sure Nessie appreciated the gesture, but she was also oblivious to the decorations as she played. I wondered how much say they'd let her have or if Alice had done everything on her own regardless of it being Nessie's party. I had trouble believing this was the sort of thing Nessie would have gone with no matter how developed her mind was. These muted sorts of colors seemed more like what adults wanted to associate with young children than what young children were actually drawn to.

A few more of the wolves arrived. The young ones who hadn't been around before Jake's imprint had brought relative peace between us and the Cullens were more curious of the vampires than anything else. They'd grown unphased by Nessie's existence, and they appeared to not be put off by the vampires either. Warren was outright staring at them with his mouth wide open, not in fear but in undisguised curiosity.

Once the last of us had arrived, Alice began fluttering around the backyard like some hummingbird. Every guest was aware of the existence of vampires and wolves, even if Charlie had yet to hear the word vampire said out loud by anyone, so Alice wasn't bothering to slow down her speed as she made sure everything was in its proper place before the party began.

The entire thing continued to play out how I had expected. Alice had planned for things to be simple. She didn't have any games like you would find at a child's birthday party. Nessie and Claire would be the only ones willing to play, and I wasn't sure which of those cheesy games Nessie would put up with.

Instead, the activities consisted of eating cake and opening presents. It was amusing to me to watch Nessie open her gifts. The kid had never wanted for anything in her life and had always gotten anything she asked for the second after she asked. Picking out a gift for her had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done, and I'd just grabbed some random shirt off the rack, not sure of her size but going a bit large, just in case. She grew fast enough she would hardly fit in it for long anyway, which gave her an ample excuse to never wear it without feeling bad.

The gifts were such a mis-match of things. The vampires had all bought expensive presents that none of the rest of us could have afforded, but Nessie acted excited about everything. Nessie had a very people pleasing attitude, and it was obvious in the way she profusely thanked every person in attendance every time she opened a present.

The gifts the guys had bought her were the most amusing of all to me. The ones with imprints had let the imprint do all the work, but everyone else's gifts screamed of doing things similar to what I had. I doubted Nessie would use any of these things, no matter how enthusiastic she appeared now.

By the end of the night, Nessie was still a bubbling ball of energy, and that was a nice sight to see when she had been sobbing on my couch all day long a week before. I had come to like the kid and all her freak of nature glory.

But not the rest of her blood-sucking family. Them I would be happy to never see again.

 **September 12th, 2007**

My stomach fluttered with butterflies as I walked across the college campus. I'd been up here once for an orientation over the summer, but that feeling hadn't come close to this. Other people milled about, and some looked excited like I did. Those were likely the freshmen. Thankfully, they didn't look younger than me, even with my more muscular features from being a wolf. Part of me had been worried my few years off would be enough to make me look too old for a college freshmen, but I was beginning to be reassured I would fit in just fine.

I'd run all the way from La Push this morning at such a breakneck speed that I'd arrived earlier than planned. I'd done nothing but wander around for the past hour. My backpack, on the sturdier side so it would survive the runs to and from school, was swung over my shoulder and carried all of the textbooks, paper, pens, etc. I would need. I might have been over prepared in my eagerness.

School had never been something sacred in my mind, but after believing the option had been stolen from me, I felt more thankful to be here than I would have been before. School meant more than it ever had. It was my escape. One I had given up hope on until several months ago.

The campus itself was nothing spectacular. I hadn't seen many college campuses in my life, but I assumed this one didn't have anything out of the ordinary for them. It was just a group of buildings with students milling about everywhere. That last part gave it a much different atmosphere than high school.

La Push Tribal School was microscopic in comparison to most schools. I'd never attended school with anyone but the small group I'd been with for the entirety of my school career.

Now, there were tons of strangers everywhere. Enough students to fill the tribal school ten times over. These people knew nothing about me, and suddenly, I was worried I would look like an idiot in front of them. I'd always been an average student in the past, but I had no way of knowing how I would measure up among these people. Maybe I had been under prepared. Maybe they knew some secret knowledge I didn't. It suddenly felt like a possibility. I mean, the tribal school hadn't exactly had the most resources.

I took several deep breaths to calm myself and looked up at the clock tower that loomed over campus. I had already scouted out each of my classrooms in my explorations, and I should have had just enough time to get to class from where I stood and still be a few minutes early. Surely that would be enough time to find a decent seat before everyone arrived.

Even though I wanted to get there quickly, I couldn't help but continue to admire my surroundings as I went. Being here was unbelievable.

I found the classroom again, and with sweaty palms and shaky limbs, slid inside. My eyes flitted around as I took in the layout of the room. There were a few students sitting down already, most of them in small groups or pairs. They chatted among themselves and didn't spare any glances in my direction.

I took a deep breath and stepped farther into the room. There were plenty of open spaces, and I decided to go for the closest I could get to the middle without counting out chairs and looking like an idiot. I wasn't sure what the stereotypes for kids who sat in the front or the back were in college. Were they the same, or did it not matter? The middle seemed like the safest bet, although perhaps I should have sat closer to a side wall instead of in the middle of a row as well.

By the time I thought of that, I was already sitting, and there was no way I was getting up to move. That would make me look stupider than having sat down in the middle.

I watched as the front of the classroom filled up before the back. About three minutes before class was set to begin, the person who must have been the professor wandered in, carrying a briefcase a student was unlikely to be seen with. I watched with wide eyes as she opened up the case and prepared herself for class.

She hadn't looked at any of the students, but I was already fascinated. She looked younger than I had expected any of my professors to be, which meant she had to be kind of impressive. Right? I hadn't even heard her speak yet, but I expected her to be one of my favorite professors. There was just something in her demeanor that told me it would be true.

The chairs on either side of me remained empty until one minute before class was set to start when a boy slid in beside me. I stiffened as he slid off his backpack and rummaged through it to pull out what he needed. It wasn't that I didn't want him there. I just hadn't been expecting someone to take the spot so close to class, and now I wondered what the correct protocol for these sorts of things was. Did I say hi or was that not normal with random classmates who sat beside you?

He cleared up the confusion for me once he had everything situated in front of him. He turned towards me, holding out his hand. Only seconds were left before class was due to start.

"Hi. I'm Lucas."

He even held out his hand for a shake. I had never met someone who did that whenever they met people. Then again, I didn't meet new people often. Maybe it was more common than I realized.

"Leah."

I took his hand, careful to control the strength of my grip. I'd become used to my strength, but I wasn't as used to keeping it a secret. I was unsure how tight I was allowed to grip before he would think it was odd, but at least I knew how to not crush all the bones in his hand. That was an important part of making friends.

I also wondered if he noticed the heat from my palm because I was aware of the difference in our temperatures. He didn't react to it though, just smiled as we pumped our hands up and down a few times. He opened his mouth to say more right as the teacher began speaking from the front of the classroom. He smiled at me one last time before turning his attention to her.

A small grin erupted on my face once he was no longer looking. It was partially because I was sitting in a college class, which I had never thought would happen, but it may have had something to do with Lucas. Just maybe.

My high spirits remained once the class had wrapped up and I was shoving things back into my bag. This class had only been to go over the syllabus. I'd been expecting that as it was how most first days in high school had gone as well. I could tell the students who had been here for past semesters were less than thrilled, having heard all the information before. I should have felt the same way. None of the information we were given was shocking. Most of it was common sense. Yet something prevented me from thinking about it so negatively. I would have future semesters to become jaded.

I'd almost forgotten Lucas was beside me until I stood up to slide my bag over my shoulders and realized he was still standing in front of his own seat. Few people were still in the classroom. Most hadn't bothered to pull anything out of their backpacks for the class and had therefore been out the door immediately once the professor was finished talking.

The professor had finished up the syllabus with half the class time to spare, which meant I had a nice break before my second class. I'd been debating what to do with that time when Lucas' smile zapped all those thoughts from my head.

He had a cute grin on his face as he watched me adjust my backpack. I almost ripped one of the shoulder straps off now that I was aware of his eyes on me, but eventually, it was on and still in one piece.

"You want to get some coffee?" Lucas asked once I was ready to leave.

I debated with myself. I wanted to make friends, yes. That had been one of my reasons for coming here in the first place. However, I hadn't expected to be asked to spend one-on-one time with anyone on my first day. It had been so long since I'd been in this type of situation. What was I supposed to do?

"Sure," I agreed.

I smiled and hoped my voice or facial expression didn't reveal how nervous the offer made me.

Lucas's smile widened in relief as if he had expected my answer to be no. Maybe I had hesitated too long before answering.

"Great."

He nodded for awhile before he realized that, if we were going to get coffee, he would need to turn around and walk out of the row of seats we were still standing in. He jumped a bit at the realization and twirled around to walk out from the row and into the aisle, where he stepped back as I followed him.

Once we were out the classroom door, he stepped forward to walk at my side. I had to hold back my true walking speed just like I did with most humans. When walking by myself, I always went at a hurried speed on the edge of being too fast for a human, but when I was walking alongside humans, I had to go even slower. It usually bothered me, but today I was feeling patient about everything.

"Is this your first year?" Lucas asked.

I could do this if we stuck to such basic questions as these, but anything about home life or my hometown would be cause for a hasty redirection on my part.

"Yeah. I put off college for a few years after high school. I finally managed to come back to it this semester."

"Nice." And Lucas did smile like I'd done something to be proud of. "I know plenty of people who said they'd do that and then never came to college."

I smirked. "Yeah, I thought that might be me for a while. You suddenly have a lot going on in those types of situations, you know?"

He didn't know in the way I knew, but I figured this was as close to telling the truth as I could get.

Lucas nodded along.

"I get it. I do. It just sucks that they don't do what they had always planned to do. I'm a junior, by the way. More than halfway done. I'm so ready for it too."

"Not such a big fan of college anymore?"

Lucas shrugged. "I would consider myself a fan. I'm just ready to have completed that part of my life. Move on, right? Be a real adult."

"I get it."

In a way, Lucas wanted to graduate from college to chase the very thing that I had come to college trying to find for myself.

Lucas nodded along. We'd left the building and were walking along the sidewalks of campus. Lucas tugged his light jacket tighter as a strong autumn breeze ruffled the leaves.

"You're just starting though," Lucas continued. "So you should enjoy it. We have a nice school here. You from Port Angeles?"

"No, La Push. On the Quileute Indian Reservation."

Lucas turned to look at me.

"Huh. I kind of thought you looked Native American, but I couldn't be sure."

"Yep," I responded awkwardly. I wasn't sure what to do with this turn in the conversation. "I am."

"I'm from Salkum, by the way. You've definitely never heard of it. It's tiny and three hours away from Port Angeles. I've moved here for school, and if everything goes according to plan, I won't be going back."

A strong desire to escape his hometown. Another thing the two of us had in common.

"I'm actually still living at home. It's not ideal, but it's necessary for now."

I hoped he wouldn't ask why it was necessary. I didn't even know why I thought I should add it on. Probably because I didn't want him to think I was too attached to home to not move to Port Angeles. Instead, I had to imply there was some greater force that kept me stuck back there. Which, there was. It was just one he didn't need to know about.

"That's a long drive each day, isn't it?"

I shrugged. "About an hour and a half by car."

But I didn't get here by car.

"Oh, well, I guess that's doable. Still not fun. I bet you don't have much free time after classes."

Again, more than he thought, but either way, I was thankful for it. Would saying that out loud make me sound too negative? Or would it imply things about a homelife that would put Lucas off or, at the very least, make him curious?

"Not as much as I used to have, but I think it'll be alright. I still have weekends."

"True."

We'd reached the coffee place Lucas was taking me to. It was in a small building and was unique to the campus.

"I'm happy I'm the one showing you this place," Lucas said excitedly as we entered.

The place was only sparsely populated, which was a good thing with the limited space. It had the feel of a place that could suffocate you if you gave the lack of room too much thought.

I listened as Lucas lead me to a table, still rambling about the place.

"It's the best kept secret on campus. It's so small and out of the way you pretty much have to be told about it. Some people graduate without knowing it's here. It took me until halfway through sophomore year. I'm still angry about it."

I laughed appreciatively. After he asked me what I wanted, I watched as he walked up the counter to order for us, and then my eyes scanned around the cozy atmosphere until he came back carrying two different mugs, placing one of them in front of me.

"I'm not used to secret places," I admitted. "In La Push, everyone knows about everything."

I was surprised when Lucas nodded his head.

"It's like that in my hometown too. Exactly like you said. I don't think there's enough there to hide anything."

We might have managed it in La Push. Deep in the woods where most humans wouldn't bother to go. If it hadn't been for the wolves traipsing through those all the time, it would go largely unseen.

"Yeah, I know. Everything's so small that you can't overlook one of the buildings."

"That's what's great about coming here, isn't it?" He tipped a packet of sugar into his coffee. "There's way more people, but you feel more anonymous."

"I'd never thought about it that way, but I get it. Less people around who will stop to wonder about what you're doing like everyone at home would."

Lucas nodded along. "You have no idea how comforting it is to know that, if I do something embarrassing in public, it's unlikely to be talked about later on. People don't know me, so they don't care."

"That must be nice. I guess I haven't experienced it enough yet."

It was a slight lie. I had experienced it quite a bit in the short amount of time I'd been here. I'd felt an all encompassing feeling of disbelief when I'd realized I was surrounded by a crowd of people who neither knew who I was nor cared. It had been a nice realization. Too much of people I loved, hated, and everything in between was the biggest factor pushing me away from the reservation. I had never had a conscious thought about the anonymity Port Angeles would provide, but now Lucas was helping me realize that was truly what I had been craving. Not school or an education, but a place where I could be anonymous.

Maybe it was bad to realize I wasn't at school for the classes themselves on my first day, but I didn't think it would damage my determination to do well. This was my only way to gain that anonymity after all, and there was still the fact that I had to graduate because I would feel like a failure on the rez if I didn't.

I was still as determined as before. It's just that now I knew why. I'd always been aware a college degree couldn't have been what had me going.

"You're going to love it here," Lucas assured me as he took a sip of his coffee.

"I think I will too."

I lifted my own cup of coffee to my lips in order to hide my smile.

 **September 30th, 2007**

The rest of September was full of me adjusting my schedule. Everything I did revolved around school. It was a nice change from everything revolving around the pack. School was something that felt like mine, like something I'd chosen. Being a wolf always felt like something thrust on me and not really mine, not when the guys took to it so much more readily than I ever had.

My routine of sitting on the cliff and watching the sunrise had become a weekend only event. I was taking a full load of classes, including eight a.m.s. There wasn't time to sit around and wait for the sun in the morning. I had to be in Port Angeles.

For a couple of days, I had tried the sunset instead, but it didn't give me the same calm feeling the sunrise did. Besides, I always had work to do during sunset, whether it was school-related or things I hadn't gotten to because I'd been at school.

So, I settled for weekend-only sunrises, and Embry showed up for every single one of them. That was a new development. He'd only come on weekdays before, so I hadn't been expecting him to show. It took the second week of me doing it for him to catch on and come. The days went the same as always except there was something that felt different when we were only doing it twice a week instead of all week long.

I had no way of knowing if Embry came out here during the week or not. Well, I did, but I didn't want to ask. That would make it too obvious I cared to know, and why should I care?

The biggest change was that, these days, we talked the entire sunrise through instead of sitting in silence like at our sunrises in the past. It was my best opportunity to catch up on what I was missing while at school.

I shouldn't have been missing anything. The guys were in school the entire time I was gone each day, and it wasn't like I had been in there with them before. Yet everything that happened within the pack felt like it was happening at a greater distance since I started college. Like I wasn't there for things that I had felt a part of before.

Embry understood this and filled me in on every happening he could think of each weekend. Saturdays, in particular, were full of talking.

In the past, I would have scoffed and told him not to bother. Why did I care about this stuff? It had all been a part of me trying to appear more distant than I was. That all felt useless now. I was more distant somehow, and I wanted to know these things. So, while I didn't outwardly encourage Embry's stories and news, I didn't stop him from carrying on either.

"That all?" I asked once Embry had finished his usual spiel, being careful to sound the right amount of uncaring. The sun was three-fourths above the horizon.

"Other than me being grounded again." Embry sighed. "Yeah."

I turned to look at him in confusion.

"How're you here then?" I asked.

Embry disobeyed all of his groundings, but it was only ever for pack stuff. He stuck to them otherwise as part of his useless attempts to keep his mother happy.

Embry shrugged, not looking in my direction.

"I figured updating you has kind of become a pack duty, right? That's how I justified it when I snuck out my window this morning. She won't notice I'm gone. She's too used to me sleeping in past noon on weekends."

I couldn't blame her. I was just as confused by Embry's new insistence on waking up before the crack of dawn to come sit out here with me.

"You still have permission to tell her, don't you?"

Embry looked over at me with a deep frown.

"I guess. No one's mentioned it since I turned the idea down at least three times, but no one ever took back that I could tell her either. I figure Jake would have to let me tell her after he told Charlie Swan."

"If he didn't let you, you'd have every right to punch him in the face. Or in the balls."

Embry laughed before his expression turned serious again.

"I still don't want to though."

"Why?" I continued watching him closely in hopes that his expression would reveal something his words didn't. "I've never understood it. Why are you against telling her? It would save you so much trouble. There'd be way less sneaking around."

Embry shrugged.

"Maybe. But I don't get grounded that much anymore. Probably more than most people, but I'm not in a perpetual state of groundings since I'm not phasing at all hours of the day anymore either."

"But wouldn't her knowing make you feel better about everything?"

I couldn't imagine having to hide the fact I was a wolf from my mom every day. I would lose my goddamn mind.

"No. It wouldn't at all. I think it would make things worse."

I didn't respond, just raised an eyebrow at him until Embry turned and saw it.

"I'm serious," Embry continued. "Having to tell my mom about all of this supernatural shit would not make any of it better."

"How so?"

"For starters, how the fuck would she believe me?"

"The same way all the imprints and my mom and Charlie and everyone have believed."

"My mom doesn't have the power of the imprint, and your mom was Quileute and your dad was an elder. Your mom knew the legends better than my mom. Charlie had to see Jake phase right in front of him, and I still don't think he's been able to get passed it, no matter how he tries to act."

"Your mom has lived in this tribe for almost two decades. She's heard the legends at some point. And no offence to Charlie Swan, but I think it's a given your mom would handle being told better than he did."

I had expected Embry to reply with more reasons why I was wrong and his mom shouldn't be told. Instead, he stayed still and looked at me closely. I shifted under his gaze.

"What?" I asked once it became clear he wasn't going to speak again unless prompted.

"It's just that this is the most I've ever seen you care. You never had an opinion on whether or not I should tell my mom before. Whenever it came up, you used it as an opportunity for another jab about who my father might be."

I shifted again. It was possible my cheeks were darker than they had been before. I hoped it was still dark enough that it wasn't visible to Embry. The sunrise was mostly complete, but it was low in the sky and trees towered over us as well. Even with his supernatural eyesight, maybe he couldn't see that he'd succeeded in flustering me.

"We both know I was pissed at the world then," I said, hoping my voice sounded normal. "I've rethought some things."

"And you devoted so much of your time to whether or not my mom should know about us being wolves?"

I shrugged. "Not specifically, but that doesn't mean my general change of heart hasn't affected a lot of different things."

I wasn't sure if that made sense, but Embry nodded as if it did before he turned back towards the sun.

"Well," he said. "My thoughts haven't changed. Not yet at least."

"There's still the future."

Embry shrugged, not responding to my comment, and we both went silent as we watched the remaining colors of the sky fade into their more common blue.


	10. October

**October 6th, 2007**

In a bizarre change, the birthday parties I was obligated to attend because of the pack had become less of a big deal as they became less daunting. Because I didn't dread them like I had in the past, I was less fixated on them, and they blurred together in my memory until I couldn't tell when they took place. They were just things that happened as opposed to huge, dreaded events like they had been in the past.

Ethan's might have turned out the same if it hadn't been the day Embry first spoke about _that_ subject with me.

I hadn't expected anything out of the ordinary when I sat down beside him on the porch stairs. With the chilly autumn weather, half of the party was inside for the sake of the humans, but there were so many of us that some of us wolves had wound up outside. It also wasn't unusual for me to spend at least part of these things with Embry. We were the oldest of the unimprinted wolves after all, and while Seth and the other younger wolves would often cluster together, Embry and I also took advantage of each other's company to escape the annoying behavior that was a requisite of imprinting.

Everything was playing out like usual until he brought it up.

"What are your thoughts on imprinting these days?"

There was a faux casualness to the question as if he expected me to respond badly but he thought acting like he didn't might temper my reaction.

I debated my answer for a few seconds, trying not to appear bothered, and I was surprised at just how unbothered I was.

"I don't give it much thought, actually. I think about imprinting whenever I think about the imprints and whatever, but I don't obsess over the idea of it like I might have in the past."

Definitely did, not "might have," but Embry got that without me needing to say it. Who knew who was listening into our conversation and would hold things like that over me in the future if they heard them.

Embry nodded like he'd been expecting an answer like that.

"I think about it a lot," he admitted.

I stared at him for a moment. I was shocked. Embry never talked about imprinting much. His lack of outward caring had always given me the impression he didn't have any strong feelings in either direction on imprinting. I had never believed he let it occupy that much of his thoughts.

"Really?" I asked in disbelief.

Embry shrugged. "Is that not believable?"

"I'm not sure if I've ever caught you thinking about imprinting when we've been sharing minds."

"There are a lot of things I don't share while I'm a wolf."

"There's a difference between being the most adept of us at hiding your thoughts and never letting on about a thing you apparently obsess over."

"I never said 'obsess.'" He acted offended that I had used that term. "I'm just interested in it. It's not an obsession."

"Whatever. Why are you bringing it up now if you've done such a good job of hiding it in the past?"

"I was never trying to hide the fact I thought about imprinting. I try to hide all my thoughts except the mundane ones. I'll have you know these aren't mundane. I've had some truly enlightening thoughts."

I continued to watch him closely.

"Enlightening?" I asked.

Embry nodded. He didn't say anything else even though he had yet to clarify why he had brought up the topic of imprinting now of all times.

"Are you going to let me know about any of these enlightening thoughts?"

Embry shrugged this time. I gave him a moment. I could see he was preparing himself for whatever he wanted to say.

"What's your own theory about why wolves imprint?"

For some reason, I hadn't expected that question. I thought that topic of discussion had been closed a year ago, and I hadn't foreseen anyone dragging it back out again.

I couldn't do anything but shrug, not having a well thought out answer I could use.

"I guess the two theories we have now are the most logical, right? It's all about babies. Whether it's because they'll have stronger babies or they'll just have babies. It all comes back to that, doesn't it? Life and everything. We all just want to continue the species. Isn't that science or whatever?"

Embry was frowning so intently at me that I knew he disapproved of what I was saying before he even spoke.

"See, that doesn't work for me."

"I don't think it's about what works for you. Imprinting is kind of bigger than any individual. That's the point."

It was a shitty point, but it was a point nonetheless.

Embry rolled his eyes.

"Obviously. I mean it doesn't make logical sense to me. We talk about how imprints are soul mates, and for me, that doesn't go with the idea that imprinting only happens to produce babies."

"Maybe soul mates are just about babies. Even for humans. Isn't everything about making babies? I'm pretty sure science-"

"Leah," Embry interrupted, appearing exasperated. "Can you stop bringing up your high school level science?" I didn't have time to be offended by his statement as he continued. "We're talking about shapeshifters. People who turn into wolves and then get a magical connection to a random human. I think we can pitch science out the window."

It was quiet for a moment as I struggled to come up with a comeback. One hit me just as Embry was about to speak.

"Isn't religion all about making babies too? Marriage, birth control, abortion, adoption. All that."

Embry dropped his head into his hands, and I struggled not to smile.

"You're not religious," he mumbled.

I continued to smirk. "But I _am_ proving that everything is about babies."

"Not really. I still disagree with you."

"Why do you think wolves imprint then?"

Embry shrugged, and I detected a hint of embarrassment about voicing his theory out loud.

"Believe it or not I think it's as simple as that's their soul mate."

I couldn't stop myself from staring at him, and Embry looked intently off into the distance to avoid looking me in the face.

"That doesn't seem too simple to you?"

Embry turned to look at me, his face showing confusion.

"How is that too simple? Everyone already considers imprints the wolves' soul mates. I don't know why everyone has to keep going and attaching babies to it. Why can't it just be about soul mates?"

I sighed. This was something I had, unfortunately, thought about before, but I didn't like the topic.

"I'm not sure if I even believe in soul mates, so I think I'd prefer imprinting to be focused around something else."

Embry looked more confused.

"How can you not believe in soul mates when you're around five different imprint relationships every day?"

I scoffed.

"It's pretty easy. The bond doesn't mean much as far as I'm concerned. If you have to have some mystical tie to someone to be with them, then can you be considered soul mates? And imprinting is supposed to be rare, but even if we have five imprints among the pack right now, wouldn't everyone imprint on their soul mate? Part of soul mates is supposed to be that everyone has one right? If not everyone does, then I'd rather believe soul mates don't exist at all."

I hated the look of pity Embry gave me as he realized part of my abhorrence of imprinting centered around my own disenchantment and the fact that I knew I would never be lucky enough to have a relationship like that of my own.

"I've thought about that too," he said. His tone was falsely light, like he was trying to ignore the painful emotions I had just brought into the conversation.

"And your theories?"

"Wolves imprint only if they wouldn't find their soul mate otherwise."

I stared at him in disbelief but didn't do anything to question him. I wanted to hear this.

"Think about all the imprint couples you know. None of them would have ended up together if it weren't for the imprint."

"You can't know that when they _did_ imprint."

"Not one hundred percent, but it's pretty likely if you think about it. Quil and Jake would have kept aging and picked people their own age. It'd be even weirder if they ended up with girls more than a decade younger without imprinting, and Jake was about to kill Nessie anyway. That would have been a big setback."

I snorted as Embry continued.

"Rachel had every intention of leaving La Push until Paul imprinted on her. She never would have stuck around long enough for them to get together without an imprint. Kim was already in love with Jared, sure, but he didn't realize she existed until the imprint. And Jared is self-centered enough that it's doubtful he would have otherwise. And then Sam and Emily…"

He trailed off and looked at me with hesitation. I motioned for him to go on but had turned to face the trees instead of him.

"Sam would have married you without the imprint. He never would have gotten involved with Emily."

I struggled to control my breathing as my heart thumped in my chest. I'd known it was coming, but I hadn't prepared myself. I wasn't bothered by the fact it had happened anymore, but hearing it acknowledged out loud still left me feeling awkward and unsure of myself. Like I should be embarrassed even though none of it had been my fault. Or anyone's fault, I was now allowing myself to realize.

Embry's voice held a lot of reluctance. I knew he hadn't wanted to say it, but it would have been just as awkward if he had avoided it when we both knew it was hanging in the air. I could always do with hearing it out loud. It helped make it less awkward for the future.

I struggled to smile, showing Embry I wasn't upset, even if I hadn't had the greatest reaction.

"I guess you're right," I admitted. "None of the current imprinted couples would have gotten together without the imprint, but how does that prove your point? To me, it just signals they're not soul mates. Shouldn't soul mates be able to find each other without some stupid magic?"

Embry shrugged and continued in a more assured voice. "Not necessarily, I don't think. Otherwise everyone would be a hell of a lot happier. There's no way I'm arguing that most people find their soul mate. I think that's why imprinting is so helpful. It helps the wolves that wouldn't find their soul mate otherwise."

"So you're arguing that the wolves who don't imprint find their soul mates on their own?" I concluded. That was what I got out of what he said so far.

"Yeah. That's what I think. I guess it's possible they just don't come face to face with their imprint, but I have a hard time believing that fate wouldn't let soul mates meet at all. I'd rather believe some people are just too oblivious to pick up on who their soul mate is."

"That all seems too optimistic," I said, trying to keep the disgust I felt out of my voice. "I can't believe it's all magical like that. That still doesn't explain why wolves would need to find soul mates. Why us but not the rest of the world? There has to be more of an explanation."

"I've thought of that too. I think us being wolves makes us more spiritual. We're Spirit Warriors, right? I think that gives us a closer connection to fate and allows us to imprint."

I supposed it wasn't more far-fetched than any of the other imprinting theories the pack had developed. It was just that this one was harder to believe because it was built on an optimistic view of the universe that I couldn't bring myself to believe in.

"That's fairytale-esque and all," I said. I realized I was picking at the hem of my shirt and had been for a while. "But I'm not sure I agree with it."

Embry shrugged, still not looking me in the eye.

"I didn't think you would, but I figured getting it out in the open would do me some good. I've been thinking about it for months, and saying it out loud to someone felt like a good way to test them out."

"Why me though?" I asked, turning to look at him. "Why not any of the guys? Especially the ones who have imprints."

Embry shrugged again. "I never thought about it. You felt like the person I should bring it up to. I never considered saying it to one of the guys."

I got a weird feeling in my stomach. That was strange. Why did Embry want to come to me about imprinting of all things?

Embry continued on as if he were trying to make his words less daunting to me. "Maybe it's because you haven't imprinted either, so we're in similar positions. The imprinted guys are too optimistic. I kind of wanted you to tear my argument apart, I think. And the younger guys could care less about imprinting, so I doubt they'd have listened to me."

It all made sense, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that Embry was saying it to appease me and not because he'd thought through these things before choosing to bring it up to me. He did talk to me about a lot. I shouldn't have been concerned when he brought up something like this. I think I was shaken that he'd thought to bring up imprinting of all topics. It wasn't as sore of a spot with me as it had been in the past, but I still didn't enjoy discussing it.

I nodded my head, not wanting to get into any of that. There was no point to it, and it would only make things more awkward.

Emby and I both went silent after that. He had no more to say about imprinting or any other topic, and I was still too shaken from the conversation to be interested in conversation of any sort. I glanced back towards the doorway behind us. The door was propped open for the party go-ers to go in and out even though it was the middle of October.

I listened to the chatter that went on throughout the house and backyard. Seth was roughhousing with some of the guys, in as high of spirits as he'd ever been. He had still never come to me about his problems, but they were bothering him less these days. I wasn't sure if it was genuine or a facade he'd finally managed to build, and that had me worried.

Everyone else was just as happy and cheerful. For a year now, things had been peaceful, and everyone around the pack had pretty nice lives themselves. There were few things that had gone wrong for anyone. Even my own life had taken a turn towards the positive, which I had been doubtful would happen for the longest time.

And Embry had decided to come to me, out of everyone in the pack, about something he considered important. Me. That was unthinkable not too long ago.

I finally felt like I fit in, and it was nice. Maybe phasing had been a blessing after all, not that I was ready to admit that out loud yet. For now, it was my little secret, but I couldn't hide the smile on my face as the party continued to go on around me.

 **October 20th, 2007**

School took up so much of my time lately that I only saw the younger guys when we were assigned to patrol together. It wasn't common for a twenty-one-year-old to cross paths with middle schoolers on a regular basis, so our lives didn't involve spending much time together unless it was pack related.

I wished it wasn't that way. I'd come to view the annoying boys as little brothers, but the only times I saw them were when they were hanging out with my actual little brother.

It was a complete coincidence that I decided to walk along Third Beach on the same Saturday Robbie was sitting there bawling his eyes out. I'd just decided I didn't spend enough time on the beach anymore and had needed a way to occupy myself after watching the sunrise with Embry. First Beach had contained a few visitors despite the cold weather, but Third Beach was likely to be deserted on a day like today. Except by other wolves.

I watched him from a distance for a while. It felt awkward standing there. My instinct was to go see what was wrong, but I had never been good at the comforting thing. I had no idea how to go about it and would only make things worse. Yet leaving him felt like the crueler option, so I forced myself to go see what was wrong.

The sound of his sobs drowned out the sound of my approach because Robbie showed no sign of hearing me coming until I was at a distance most humans would have picked up on. He startled from his crouched over position, shoulders straightening. He wiped his arm across his face in a useless attempt to hide his tears despite the red rings around his eyes and the water that still shined in them.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I sat down on the log beside him.

My voice already contained a tone that was off putting in situations such as these. Strong emotions in others had a tendency to make me shut off. It was impossible for me to sound more caring. The idea was cringe-worthy, so instead, I had to sound like I could brush off the problem at a moment's notice. It was the worst way to try and cheer someone up, but my instincts took control of it.

"Nothing," he replied, choking over the word.

It was a pathetic attempt at trying to sound okay. I sighed as I internally debated how to go about this in a way that would get him to talk. Trying to sound like I cared was a start.

I bit my lip. I hadn't done anything like this in such a long time. The last time someone had been in front of me sobbing their eyes out it was Nessie, and a young child wasn't the same as a preteen.

"That's obviously not true," I said, keeping the same annoyed tone I'd had earlier. Maybe tough love was the right answer here. It was worth a shot. "You and I both know that type of crying doesn't result from 'nothing.'"

Robbie glared at me for pointing out the obvious. I liked this kid.

"It's nothing important," he said in the same tone of voice. One that was trying to warn me away or he'd get angry. The great thing about being a wolf, though, was that I couldn't get intimidated by the other wolves. They weren't the least bit frightening. Unless you were a vampire. Then it would be a different story.

"You don't cry about things that aren't important to you."

"I meant it's not important to _you_ ," Robbie said, annoyance ringing clear in his voice.

And, oh, that was the type of self-loathing I usually attributed to myself. I was kind of impressed someone else was pulling it off. It made me feel less like a failure for thinking that way myself.

I decided sticking with the tough love thing was better than attempting to switch into caring mode. I couldn't pull it off earlier, and I couldn't now.

"I have to share your thoughts occasionally, kid. Trust me. It's in my best interest to help you with whatever it is."

He scowled while looking out towards the ocean. I let my eyes follow his and watch the calming waves ebb in and out of the shore. One of my favorite things about sitting on the cliff was getting to listen to the water hit the sides of it below, but sitting down on the beach, the waves gave an even more calming sound. I would be down here more often if it were frequented less by other people.

"It's just school," he admitted. He sounded reluctant to say so but also relieved that he had said something out loud.

"It can't be 'just school,'" I pushed on being the annoying person that people want to punch in the face when upset. "There's something specific that would cause this."

Robbie scowled at me again before giving up and letting his shoulders slump. He looked dejected. "It's everything about school."

I thought back to any clues I could have gotten in the past without realizing it. I couldn't think of much. All I knew was Robbie had started middle school back in September. That wasn't that big of a deal when you attended a K-12 school. It wasn't like anything changed except different material and different teachers, but that changed every year.

"Something going on with your classmates?"

That was almost always the answer when something was wrong at school. It was always other kids.

Robbie shrugged, and I couldn't tell whether it was because he was hiding the truth or he just didn't know how to answer.

I sighed. I had reached the point where I needed to figure out what was going on for my own sanity, but Robbie was being uncooperative. I would have been proud of him under different circumstances.

"It's just everything," he repeated.

I studied his face as if it would give me the hints I needed to sort through what was going on, but of course, it didn't. He just looked sad. I couldn't detect the source of it.

"Robbie, can you please give me a hint? Something that isn't just school."

Robbie gave a deep, exaggerated sigh. One that teenagers gave their parents to stress their annoyance instead of one coming out of a more natural response.

"I don't want to tell anyone," he whispered.

I could hear real fear in his voice, and for the first time, I felt fear in the pit of my own stomach. Had I stumbled into something serious here? Was this more than the usual preteen angst? Was that why Robbie was reluctant to say anything?

"We're pack, Robbie," I reminded him. "We're supposed to tell each other things, remember? And I promise whatever you say will stay between you and me. I can control my thoughts."

I'd like to think I was the best in the pack at it other than Embry. I'd devoted the most time to learning how to keep the others out of my head unless I wanted them there.

I watched emotions flicker across Robbie's face for a while as he debated whether to accept my offer or not. Finally, he nodded in agreement, but it still took him several minutes to work up the courage to say anything out loud.

"Being a wolf has made me start to notice things. Things I didn't notice before."

Suddenly, I had a much better idea of what was bothering Robbie, but I still wanted him to say it out loud for himself. I wouldn't take that moment away from him.

"Those things are?"

I thought he might bite through his lip from how furiously he was chewing on it. There was genuine fear in his eyes over how I would react. I sighed again before hesitantly placing a hand on one of his shoulders. He jumped, no doubt not expecting physical comfort from Leah Clearwater of all people, but he settled down right after the initial surprise. After several more moments, I became confident enough to wrap my arm around his shoulders and pull him closer to my side. He came willingly, sinking into my embrace. His shoulders sagged in relief, and I wondered how long it had been since he had felt at ease.

I could tell he was preparing to speak, and I let the silence inch on for a long time. This couldn't have been easy for him, and I was starting to wonder if we would be here all day while he worked up the courage to get it out.

Then he took a deep breath and spat the words out as quickly as he could. I had to struggle to keep up with him.

"I think I like boys. And girls. I think I like boys and girls. So I think that makes me bi? But I don't know. Maybe I'm not. How do I know for sure? I've never met a bi person? I've never even met a gay person? How do people know they're bi or gay? I think I am, but I don't know."

His voice had become panicked as he spoke. There were more tears streaking down his face, and my grip on him tightened. I let us go back to silence for a few minutes so I could stop my own tears from flowing.

"You'll be okay," I whispered. It was the only thing I could think of to say even though I knew it was insufficient. I'd been trying to prepare myself for a situation similar to this, but I hadn't been expecting this exact one. I was discovering that I had been wholly unprepared.

"But am I bi?" he asked again, his voice still trembling but calmer than it had been before.

I could hear him struggling to control his breathing so that he didn't hyperventilate in front of me.

"Only you can answer that. I may be in your head, but I'm not you."

"But I'm only eleven years old. How could I be bi?"

I sighed. Complexities of sexuality weren't something I had much experience discussing. Most of what I knew had come from recent Internet searches I'd been doing in secret. I hadn't had any experience with them in real life. Yet.

"Your age has nothing to do with it, Robbie. Plenty of the girls and boys in your class flirt and all that already, right? How is this any different?"

Robbie's mouth opened and closed for a while as he struggled to come up with an answer. Finally, he gave up at contradicting me and shook his head in frustration, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"I guess it doesn't," he admitted. "I don't know."

"You want to know a secret, kid? No one knows anything at eleven. I'm not saying your situation isn't more difficult than most, but if you want the truth, it's doomed to remain this terrible for at least the next four, five years. It's called puberty."

Robbie let out a long, pained sound. I got it. I remembered my own tortured monologues about boys when I was his age. His situation had another layer to it, but I still understood the confusion you felt when your hormones began to come out to play.

There was still one thing I was curious about, and I had to ask, although I wasn't sure if it was considerate of me to do so.

"What exactly made you start realizing you were bi?"

Robbie's eyes flickered at and away from me as if he was worried he was about to reveal something he shouldn't. As if I would tell anyone. Or as if I would these days.

"I won't tell anyone," I reminded him.

He nodded, but it still took a bit before he began to explain.

"I was patrolling with Al, and he had some thoughts. I don't want to talk about it, but-just- His thoughts made me start thinking about some things."

I nodded. It was a good enough explanation for me. I had figured an incident like that had pushed it along. I'd been subjected to more than enough sexual thoughts from the other guys since I phased, and I couldn't imagine coming into that as a ten-year-old. I imagined it had jump started Robbie's, and the other young wolves', own thoughts about sex. Had Robbie even known what sex was before phasing? I couldn't remember what age that usually happened at.

At thirteen, Al was on the younger side. He was one of the wolves who I wondered about in this scenario. Still, he'd been ahead of Robbie in this department.

The younger wolves in our pack had it easier than those in Sam's. Jake and Quil had both imprinted on babies and ceased having any sort of sexual thoughts. Embry kept everything so close to himself that I didn't think I had ever gotten anything from him. That meant Seth was the next oldest, and he was almost as good at Embry as locking himself up these days. The younger wolves in our pack didn't get exposed to the same sorts of thoughts I imagined Sam, Jared, and Paul were still having on a daily basis.

But they were all right at that age where puberty started to be a real bitch, and their combined emotions and thoughts while in each other's heads made everything that much stronger.

"It'll be okay," I said quietly as I gave Robbie's shoulders one last squeeze before pulling away. "I know it doesn't feel like it will be right now, but it will."

He didn't answer me, but I could tell from the way that he was moodily staring out across the horizon that he didn't believe me. Because that was part of it too.


	11. November

**November 12th, 2007**

Lucas and I had become good friends over the past two months. Perhaps more than friends. I wasn't sure what we were if I was being honest. We weren't dating, and if anyone asked me to define our relationship, I'd have gone with friendship. But it felt like there was pressure for the possibility for more.

If I thought back to my terrible attempts at online dating back in the spring, I should have been happy about this, but it filled me with anxiety more than anything. I felt so anxious over the idea of Lucas and I going further that I wasn't sure if wanting more was a mutual thing or something I was just picking up from him. I couldn't sort out my feelings.

For all that my feelings were a jumbled mess, I thought I did have some sort of romantic feelings for Lucas. I don't think that was just him and him alone. I felt it.

My problem was that I wasn't sure I wanted those feelings to progress anywhere. Lucas was the first boy I had liked in such a long time, and I was unsure what to do with my emotions. In some ways, it felt like middle school all over again. But hadn't I just been giving Robbie advice on that sort of thing not too long ago? I should have been past that.

As much as I longed for some sort of connection with somebody, I wanted a close friendship more than anything right now. I'd grown closer with the pack, and I'd had Rachel since she moved back to La Push, but I wanted someone outside of the tribe. Someone who didn't know every single person that I knew. No matter how much I trusted Rachel, there were still certain things I was worried would get back to the pack if I told her them.

Lucas was filling that void for me. I'd told him a lot, although nothing about wolves or vampires. It was nice having someone who couldn't blab to others and who also had no idea there were supernatural entities outside of stories and legends.

All that could be ruined if anything romantic happened between us.

But none of that was detrimental to Lucas. He continued on as he had that first day, and while most of his actions were friendly, it was hard not to see the hope that hinted he wanted more.

It had only been a matter of time before he acted on it, and while I had been trying to decide what it was I would say, I hadn't made a decision until I had to think on my feet.

"Hey, Leah," Lucas greeted me as usual when he took the seat beside me, the same seats we had been sitting in when we met.

"Hey."

I smiled up at him like always. It felt good to see him at the start of every Monday. We didn't communicate much except in person. Part of me was too worried about whether or not he would overhear something he shouldn't if I spoke to him over the phone while on the rez. He had my phone number, and we texted, but I'd done a good job of avoiding any phone calls.

Texting wasn't the same as talking though, and I always felt like I was bursting with things to say after the weekend.

"How've you been?" Lucas asked, another typical part of our established routine. Especially on Mondays, even though my weekends were never exciting.

"Good. Another birthday party this weekend."

"Another one?" I could never tell if Lucas' surprise in these moments was genuine or more just a ploy to get me to keep taking. A way to show he was enthralled with whatever I was saying even if he wasn't. "How many people do you know exactly?"

"I told you we have a tight-knit group. There's a lot of us."

Lucas whistled. "Obviously. I feel like you're always at a birthday party. Who was it this time?"

"His name is Warren. He turned eleven."

The last of the pack to do so too, not like that would have any significance to Lucas.

"Family friend then? Or family?"

How did I explain why I was attending some eleven-year-old's birthday party when I wasn't related to him?

"Family friend."

That was the truth. It's just that he didn't become a family friend until turning into a giant wolf.

"Age isn't always the most important factor in our group," I continued. "I guess it can't be when there aren't tons of people our ages on the rez."

Also true. Otherwise, the younger wolves wouldn't have phased so young. I wasn't sure if that made sense to Lucas. He probably thought a twenty-one-year-old hanging out at an eleven-year-old's birthday party was strange when I didn't have a better reason.

Lucas nodded along though, not pointing out the strange aspects of my stories. He always ignored them. I wished I knew what was going on in his head. He was so good at disguising his expressions to make it seem like nothing, but there was no way. He had to have some thoughts about my strange behavior.

"So," Lucas began. He drew out the 'o' in a way that hinted whatever he was about to say held a lot of weight. I looked up at him, feeling my stomach tighten. I thought I knew what was coming. "What would you say to going out with me this Friday?"

I sucked in a breath. For a few tense seconds, all I could do was stare. My brain wasn't functioning correctly as it went into overdrive.

"Yes."

It wasn't the answer I had been planning on giving, but it was what came out. There wasn't much I could do now except watch Lucas' face blossom into a smile.

"Awesome," he murmured almost to himself. I wasn't sure if I would have heard if I weren't a wolf, but I would have seen his lips move and known something was said. "I was thinking you could stay in Port Angeles after your classes. We'd go to dinner, maybe do something else, and then I'd drive you home."

"No," I replied too hastily for it to appear normal. Lucas raised an eyebrow, and my brain worked in overtime again trying to come up with a logical excuse. "I'd have to come up to Port Angeles anyway, so I'd have to drive my own car home."

"Oh." Lucas's entire face fell, and I wasn't sure why. I had already agreed to a date. Was not being able to drive me more than an hour that upsetting to him? Had he been expecting to be introduced to my family or something crazy like that?

"That makes sense."

It did. I was proud of myself for thinking of it instead of something stupid that would have shown I was lying. My brain didn't always work well under pressure.

I nodded, unsure how to respond otherwise.

"I'm sure it'll be fun," I said. "I'm looking forward to it."

Lucas smiled and nodded.

The professor began class, which put a stop to our conversation. I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief. Throughout the lecture, I picked up on a certain sag to Lucas' shoulders. He couldn't be disappointed about the taking me home thing. I had agreed to a fucking date. One that I wanted out of even more if he was going to be this butthurt over something stupid.

I had dreamed about going on a date again, but now that I had the opportunity, I wanted out. Actually, I'd wanted out before I was even asked, yet somehow I was still in this position.

Lucas was the closest friend I'd made at school. That didn't mean much when it was only a couple of months into the school year, but it did mean that I didn't want to hurt him. He was the only person who I spoke to outside of classes. I hated to think it was only because he wanted to date me.

I managed to push aside all talk of the date for the rest of the day. Lucas tried multiple times, but I was quick to change the subject, leaving him looking more and more dejected until we separated for our other classes.

This would be a disaster. And just when I had started to think those were behind me.

 **November 13th, 2007**

"Shit."

I looked at Rachel's confused face across the kitchen table. We each had mugs of hot chocolate in our hands, even though mine didn't offer me as much warmth as it would have once done. Rachel had taken to visiting me at least one evening a week. Now that I was in Port Angeles every day, she found it necessary to make sure she saw me. I'd seen her more since September than I had the rest of the time she'd been back in La Push.

"What is it?" she asked, confused about my outburst when she hadn't said anything all that impressive.

"I forgot your birthday was this Friday," I admitted.

She still looked at me in confusion.

"Okay. But why is that a huge problem? You didn't make other plans, did you?"

I could see her realize I had by the sheepish look on my face. To my surprise, she looked pleased.

"Making friends at school then," she accused, smirk wide.

I wanted to deny it, but everyone else I knew would be at her party. Even the Cullens, due to some strange family obligation based on her brother having imprinted on one. Yuck.

"Some guy asked me out."

I felt my face heating up before the words were out. I had been planning to keep it a secret from everyone. I'd even been thinking about what excuses I could feed my mom for my long disappearance on Friday night. I hadn't come up with anything yet, but now it looked like that might not matter.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

She looked excited. It might have been the closest to gossipy that I had ever seen her. It wasn't from desire to get something to spread among the pack though. I knew she was genuinely excited for me. I still didn't want to talk about it.

"Yes, really. And I wanted to say no but panicked and agreed. Now it's your birthday, and I forgot. I should cancel."

"No!" Rachel's answer was too forceful for someone outside of the situation. It caused me to freeze like a young child being caught breaking the rules by one of their parents. "You need to go. It'd be good for you."

I snorted.

"Good for me? You're talking like some old-fashioned grandmother who thinks it's necessary for me to have a man or something."

"That's not it." Rachel's voice had taken on a pleading tone that it never held. "It's been so long since you've dated anyone, Leah. I think a date, no matter how casual or unimportant seeming it is, could be nice for you. I'm not saying marry the guy. I'm saying go out and let yourself have fun for the first time in ages."

"It's not the date that's the problem. It's that it's with Lucas, and I feel like this is going to ruin any friendship we've built up so far."

Rachel sighed and considered her words before she spoke again.

"Maybe it will, but you don't know. Whatever happens, happens anyway. Things will work out."

"Says the imprint." It was half teasing and half serious. "You guys are all about fate and shit, but I'd prefer thinking I have some control over this. Thanks."

"You do have control over half of it. You just have to remember that Lucas has the other half, not you. You can't guess his actions until they happen."

I allowed myself a slight laugh.

"Wise. Are you sure you didn't sneak in a few philosophy classes while in college?"

"One," she joked. "But I don't remember much dating advice. I did sleep through most of that class though, so anything philosophical I say should be taken with a grain of salt."

"So, I guess you'll kill me if I show up at your party," I commented, getting us back to our previous topic.

Rachel put on a faux threatening voice.

"Oh, definitely. I'll set Paul on you and everything. You have to go on that date. Actually, I would suggest changing your date plans and bringing him to the party instead, but we don't want to overwhelm the poor guy."

I shook my head furiously, causing Rachel to smirk.

"There's no way in hell."

"That's what I figured. Meeting two packs of wolves isn't an ideal first date. You better stick to dinner and a movie."

"I hope we do a movie. You don't have to talk during a movie."

"Don't you talk to this guy every day at school?"

"That's completely different."

Rachel made a consenting noise to let me know that she got it. I supposed it was ridiculous on one level, but making something a date meant everything suddenly held a lot more pressure. Even the several encounters we'd had since he asked had been filled with awkwardness.

"Don't stress out too much. You'll be fine. Just remember your little coffee outings with him are basically mini dates anyway, and the exact same thing is going to happen now except at night."

"That's great advice. Thanks."

"Hey. It may not be helpful, but I'm required to say shit like that in these sorts of situations."

I took a deep breath, feeling my stomach as it continued to tighten.

 **November 17th, 2007**

I continued breathing in and out as subtly as I could as I sat on the bench where Lucas and I had agreed to meet. The run up here meant I had been limited with the amount of clothes I could bring, and I had made sure where we were going would allow for casual clothing. I was wearing the same thing I'd been wearing in classes all day, and I had only the basics as far as makeup was concerned. It didn't last through phasing, and I hadn't been able to carry much with me as a wolf.

I'd been studying in the library for several hours before we were set to meet, but I had nothing to show for it. The few notes I'd managed to write down were in a shaky handwriting that wouldn't be legible later on. The entire time, all I had thought about was the several text updates Lucas sent me throughout the day.

It was like he thought I was going to bail and he needed to check every so often. It was annoying, but at least there was some logical basis to it.

His last text had informed me that he was at home getting ready. It made me feel guilty that I was going to show up in the same clothes he'd seen me in earlier, but even if I'd had a car, how much could he expect me to do in a public restroom?

I tapped my fingers against my thigh and continued chewing on the inside of my cheek. I hadn't managed to stop doing either habit since this morning, and I kept making my cheek raw again before I could heal over. My phone was tightly gripped in my other hand in case Lucas texted again. The next one should be to tell me he was on campus to pick me up. My stomach did somersaults.

Even though I'd been expecting it, I jumped when my phone vibrated. I glanced at the screen and gasped in anticipation when I saw Lucas' message that confirmed he had arrived.

I glanced around me. It wasn't crowded here late on a Friday night, so it was easy to pick out Lucas' form walking towards me.

I stood and started making my way towards him as well. Getting up and doing something made me feel better than sitting there waiting for him.

He smiled and waved when he saw that he had gotten my attention. I waved back and tried to smile. It probably gave away every ounce of nerves I possessed, but Lucas' smile didn't fade.

I watched his eyes rake over my outfit, and I thought I saw something unreadable in his expression. I didn't know if that was a good or bad sign. Again, it wasn't like I could have changed. He was lucky these clothes hadn't fallen in dirt. I'd had several rough mornings of trying to scrub dirt off of clothes before class. I had been sure it would happen today of all days.

"Hey," Lucas greeted, running his palms across his thighs.

"Hi," I returned, clasping my own hands together in front of me to prevent them from performing any nervous quirks.

"Shall we head out for dinner then?"

Lucas held out his arm for me to take, and I smiled. It felt weird to be this close to him as I hung off his arm. I'd shunned most physical contact for more than a year now.

Lucas kept a slow pace as we made our way back to his car. It was frustrating. The wolf in me wanted to speed up and get where we were going, but I assumed that would come across as wanting to escape or get this walk over with. That was mostly what it was.

I'd never seen Lucas' car before. It was so tiny I had to fold myself up to fit in the passenger seat. I was shorter than Lucas too, even if it was by less than an inch, so it was comical to watch him attempt to do the same behind the wheel. I kept my laughter inside, not wanting to seem rude even if I would have teased him without a second thought in a different situation.

The car ride to the restaurant was just as quiet and awkward as the short walk had been. I stared out the window at the different parts of Port Angeles we passed. I couldn't come up with a topic for small talk, and Lucas wasn't trying too hard either.

We pulled up in front of a small, diner-looking place.

"Sorry it's not fancier."

Lucas appeared sheepish, his shoulders hunching in a bit as he apologized. I offered him a gentle smile through my nerves.

"It's fine," I assured him.

I wasn't sure why he was apologizing. We had agreed the place we went to would be casual. I certainly wasn't dressed for anywhere else. Lucas' outfit could have been acceptable in a slightly fancier place, but he wouldn't seem overdressed here either.

Besides, these were the types of places that offered the best food, and I would have felt guilty going anywhere that cost more.

Lucas nodded and stepped out of the car. I climbed out after him, realizing afterwards that he had been heading to get my door and I had thwarted him. I smiled again to reassure him. His cheeks were a deep pink now, and he turned to lead me into the restaurant instead.

The place had that typical diner smell as soon as you stepped inside. I breathed in deeply, enjoying the familiarity it provided. The place was busy, as it was Friday night, but we still managed to find an empty booth to sit at.

A waitress slid two menus in front of us and then sauntered off to refill some guy's coffee. I looked over the choices, noting that there was everything you would expect to be sold at a place like this.

I didn't look up at Lucas until I was sure of what I wanted. When I did, I caught him shifting his eyes away from me. I dropped my own eyes back to my menu, trying to keep myself from biting into my cheek.

"You know what you want?"

I nodded, and Lucas motioned to get the waitress' attention.

"I'll have a Coke and a chicken strip basket, please," Lucas told her.

His eyes stayed on me as he spoke to the waitress, and I looked down at the table again as he ordered. Once he was done, I glanced up at the waitress to see when she was ready for me. She glanced up from her pad of paper, and I spoke.

"Dr. Pepper, cheeseburger, and fries."

She nodded and wrote it all down in a quick flourish. She didn't pay much attention to us as she gathered up our menus and made a beeline for the kitchen to drop off our orders. I watched her go to avoid looking at Lucas. As soon as the orders were delivered, she slipped her phone out of her pocket while keeping it carefully hidden from any of the co-workers. She smiled down at it, and I imagined she was flirting with someone who she'd rather be with tonight instead of working.

Lucas cleared his throat to grab my attention. I glanced back at him and smiled again. It had become my go to way of trying to convince him I was having a good time. I wasn't sure it was working.

"How was your day?" I asked.

I'd been telling myself all week that I was going to put effort into this, but that isn't turning out well in practice. The longer the date went on, the more my head was screaming at me to get out of there. Something didn't feel right.

He smiled at me, happy I was speaking.

"Good. Long, waiting for this," he said.

He laughed a little, and I did too, although a bit uneasily.

"Yours?"

I hesitated, unsure of what to say. I didn't want to admit that I was terrified of this date. Lucas could take that a variety of ways, and not even I was sure which one would be correct.

"Good," I told him with a shrug. "I spent a lot of it in the library trying to get work done."

Lucas cringed a little.

"Maybe I should have asked you to come back to my place after your classes."

"No." My initial reply might have been a little too harshly stated, so I continued on, "I had a lot of work to do. It was good for me to spend time in the library."

All of that was true. There was just the added parts about how I didn't get anything done and how I wouldn't feel comfortable being in Lucas' apartment.

Lucas didn't know any of that though, and he nodded to my answer with satisfaction. He smiled at the waitress when she brings our food over at that moment. I was thankful both because I'm hungry and because chewing gives me an excusable reason not to speak.

It was easy enough for the first several minutes. I monitored the size of my bites and chewed slower than usual in order to not run out of food faster than I had to, but at the same time, I was cautious of appearing too obvious or like I had strange eating habits. It's not something I'm used to worrying about, and I told myself I would never be one of those girls. Now I'm cautious of my wolfness though, and it makes me wonder if I eat more like an animal than a human.

I became so focused on my food that my nervousness over possible conversation became less pressing. That is, until I glanced up and saw Lucas again.

He was watching me closely, and I knew from his expression that he was finding this date more of a failure as the evening went on. I wonder if he'll speak to me again afterwards or if I'll be sitting by myself in class from now on. I'm not sure which scenario I would prefer at this point.

I have nothing more to say. Any topics I have for small talk revolve around pack happenings. In censored form, they don't make any sense.

Lucas probably thinks I'm embarrassed by my family, friends, home, and everything, but he has no idea. It's not that I don't want to tell him these sorts of things. It's that I can't. None of it makes sense to those outside it.

So I let Lucas do most of the talking and start all our conversations.

At school it was different because we always had school to talk about. "How did you find today's reading?" "That paper was hard to write." "Aren't professors who lecture in complete monotone the worst?"

But we had exhausted all of those conversations throughout the week, and now the only things left weren't about school. The only thing in my life that wasn't school was the pack. That was the reason I had started school. I didn't know what else to bring up to Lucas. That I had read a good book lately? It wasn't a book that Lucas would like. I knew that much.

By the time we'd both finished eating, we'd had several stilted conversations, all of them started by Lucas. He was disheartened by now, and I felt guilty, although I was at a loss for what to do.

As we buckled up back in his car, my heart raced over what we'll do next. Could I go home or was he going to ask to do something else together?

"Are you ready to go home?" Lucas asks as he turns the car on.

My heart raced as I considered my answer. This was the perfect opportunity to say yes, but I'm worried about sounding rude or like I don't want to be there. Even though I don't.

"I think so," I admitted. My mind worked quickly to come up with an excuse. "It's my friend's birthday today, and I missed the party. Maybe I could still make it to see her before it's too late."

Lucas' face brightened at that, and I realized I'd given him the confidence of knowing I chose a date with him over my friend's birthday. It's a false confidence considering I was close to calling off our date until Rachel insisted I didn't. I'm not about to say that out loud, so I let him read into that however he's chosen too.

"That would probably be a good idea. I understand wanting to see your friend on her birthday. We could have met earlier if I had known."

I cursed in my head over not thinking to try something like that before.

Taking on that explanation had been an act of last minute desperation, but I realize as Lucas drives me back to campus that it may have saved the entire night. At least in Lucas's mind.

He was brighter than he before, as if my distant behavior can now be explained by missing my friend's party.

He was wrong, but there was no way to tell him that without ruining the night further and hurting his feelings. It was easier to let him draw his own conclusions. I subscribe to the idea that it's not lying if they're the ones reading into things incorrectly.

"Where's your car parked? I'll take you too it."

I glanced anxiously around campus as Lucas drove into one of the many parking lots. It's deserted on a Friday night. Obviously, I don't have a car sitting here.

"It's in one of the other lots. This is fine though. I'll just walk over there."

Lucas' face twisted in concern, and I took a deep breath as I prepared myself to hold my ground.

"Are you sure. It's dark and-"

"I have my pepper spray," I remarked, not able to keep wryness out of the remark.

"I'm serious, Leah. Things can happen."

I sighed and tried to smile to show I wasn't worried.

"I know you are. I have a lot of experience with self-defense though. Promise. I'll be fine."

I could tell he didn't believe me, but after I stared him down for a few minutes, he nods. I smile one last time and climb out of the car. I called a goodbye over my shoulder as I walked towards the other parking lot even though it's in the opposite direction of where I need to go. Lucas answers my goodbye, and I can still detect a hint of wariness in his voice.

I made sure to watch and make sure he wasn't following me to the other parking lot. If he did, I would kick his head in on Monday. Screw everything else.

He doesn't though, and I'm able to escape back to La Push where things are actually far less complicated. I didn't think I'd ever say that.

 **November 28th, 2007**

Things stayed the same as normal after the date. Or at least more normal than I had expected. Lucas and I talked at school, and neither one of us brought up the fact the date had happened. I was relieved, but I wasn't sure how much longer it could last. Our friendship had become a ticking time bomb.

My life at school wasn't the only thing changing. Seth's morphing attitudes always held my attention. His old personality had returned as bright and buoyant as ever, but there was something underneath it that hadn't been there before.

That wasn't bad. It looked like a good thing. I thought it was a confidence and assuredness that he didn't know he'd needed before.

The only downside was that he still hadn't opened up to me. I felt like he had to have opened up to someone to come to terms with things like he looked to have done, but it hadn't been me.

The thought that he wouldn't trust me with what was bothering him stung a little even though I got it. I hadn't gone to him with my problems after all, but I was also the older sibling. It wasn't supposed to be the same.

As long as Seth was looking happier though, I was happy for him. Sometimes I had to remind myself of that, but it was true when you got down to the base of it all.

That didn't mean I wasn't relieved the morning it finally happened.

Family meals had become rare recently due to the craziness of our schedules, but Mom had insisted on sitting down tonight. I had already gotten the impression that it was because Seth had asked for it.

He picked at his food in between bites, and even though he was eating just fine, the movements showed that something was up.

I watched him as we ate, and Mom did too. Seth didn't notice as his eyes stayed firmly on his plate. Once we had each finished, we followed Seth's lead of staying at the table. Our eyes stayed on him as we waited for him to speak.

Seth left Mom and me waiting for what felt like forever. Mom and I had never been the most patient people in the world, and I felt particularly on edge now that it was coming.

I watched Seth closely as he cleared his throat and looked up at us.

"I'm gay."

They were such simple two words, but I could tell it had been unbelievably hard for him to get them out.

I wasn't sure what the proper reaction was in situations such as these. It felt like I should remain serious and give some nice speech about how "it doesn't matter to us" or something like that. Instead, a smile spread across my face that I couldn't stop. Relief flowed through my body as I realized this wasn't some unspoken piece of information we all knew and couldn't say out loud anymore. It was just there.

Mom watched Seth, face much more serious than mine. Seth's eyes were on her too, not me, and he shifted under her gaze. I'd never talked to her about this before, so while I couldn't say with one hundred percent certainty that she had figured it out for herself, I knew she had.

"Took you long enough," Mom finally said with a slight smile.

Seth's shoulders sagged in relief as soon as he realized Mom's first words weren't screams or insults. Not too insulting anyway and not insulting in a way Seth had been frightened of. Then he realized what she had said and stiffened a little again.

"You knew?" he asked, shock coloring his voice.

"Of course she did," I interjected. "I hate to break this to you, but it wasn't well hidden. Especially not for your sister who's been in your head."

Judging by the look on Seth's face, it hadn't been the best thing to say. He continued to fidget in his seat. None of us knew what should be said next.

"Well," Mom said, rising from her seat and taking her empty plate with her. "There's some ice cream in the fridge. I suppose we could eat that as a small celebration."

Seth looked up at her in surprise.

"Celebration?"

"Of course." Mom allowed smile to widen "Do you know how thankful I am this is out in the open? It's been killing me that you wouldn't say it."

Seth's mouth dropped open, and I couldn't hold back a laugh.

"Me too," I jumped in. "Did you not realize I knew when I was trying to convince you to tell me what was bothering you?"

Seth shrugged, looking embarrassed. "I knew you _thought_ you knew something, but I wasn't sure you knew the truth."

"Are you holding any other secrets then, or did I have it right?"

Seth let out a noise of disbelief.

"Apparently, you had it right."

Mom could be heard rummaging around for bowls and spoons in the kitchen. Seth had a more easygoing smile on his face now, and his posture was more relaxed. I hated to take away an ounce of that so soon, but if we were talking about this, then there were a few more things I had to know.

"When's everyone else going to find out?"

I watched Seth's posture stiffen again once I asked the question, but he still didn't act as nervous as he had before. If anything, he looked determined but cautious.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm worried how they'll react to knowing some guy who's in their minds occasionally, who has, um, seen them naked," Seth stumbled over the words and got a light pink tinge to his cheeks, "is gay."

I frowned. I think I had more confidence that the guys would take it well than Seth did, but I still got where his worries stemmed from. I would have thought the same sorts of things before I had realized they already knew and didn't care. Seth didn't seem to have had that realization.

"I've done all those things too," I pointed out just as Mom walked in the room carrying the ice cream.

She sat the container down in the middle of the table before handing us each bowls and spoons. Seth busied himself with scooping out his ice cream and didn't answer me until he had settled back into his seat and was digging into the ice cream with his spoon.

"You're right, but that still depends on them seeing things the same way."

"Oh, they will when I'm there."

I made sure the threatening tone of my voice was clear. Seth smiled at me, and I could tell how happy it made him that I was willing to stand up for him to the guys. As if I wouldn't have.

Our conversation moved to other things as we continued to eat our ice cream. When exactly Seth would come out to the guys was up in the air, but that was of little concern to me when he'd been willing to share with Mom and me.

Small steps, I suppose. And it wasn't like I had any control over what he did with his life anyway. I just wanted him to feel comfortable in his own skin, and he was one step closer to that.

 **A/N: So, the next chapter is the end of this. I do have more planned. Originally (several years ago when I was in the early stages of thinking about this), this was going to be one longer story, but I liked the idea of having this just encompass one year better, so I'm going to split it up instead. I'm not sure if the next one will follow a month-by-month format like this one. We'll have to see what I feel like when I'm writing, but anyway, I'm going to try and have the last chapter up tomorrow.**


	12. December

**December 4th, 2007**

Less than a week after Seth's coming out, and our family was facing another milestone.

My mom was marrying Charlie Swan.

They'd chosen to do things at the courthouse in Port Angeles. It was a "get the license and be done with it" wedding. I was shocked to even see Charlie in a suit.

The invited guests consisted of the three children they had between them, one son-in-law, one granddaughter, and Jake and Billy. I could only imagine how strange of a group we looked to the outward eye.

Nessie was excited to see a wedding for the first time. I don't think she understood that what she was going to see wouldn't be impressive, but she was more enthralled with the idea of marriage itself than the actual ceremony.

It was the strangest thing to think how Jake and Nessie would marry someday. For all my open disgust of it, I had a masochistic enthrallment with the idea of imprinting. As we sat around in the courthouse waiting for the judge to be ready for us, my attention was drawn to how Nessie and Jake interacted. To be fair, just about everyone's was. Nessie was the only one talking, and the majority of what she said was directed at Jake, just like always.

My mom was fidgeting beside me. I'd never seen her anxious before. I was so used to her calm and collected nature that it was worrying to see her any differently. Still, I didn't intervene. I let Charlie do the calming down (even if I thought he was shit at it). It was their wedding day after all.

To me, it felt like no time at all before it was time for Mom and Charlie to stand in front of the judge and become husband and wife.

The rest of us stood back and watched. Nessie was quiet for the first time since entering the courthouse as she watched everything happen with wide eyes from Jake's arms. I was a bit less enthralled. Instead, I was looking everywhere but at Mom and Charlie. I was happy for them. I was. I just felt awkward watching it happen, and I wasn't sure why that was.

I wanted to vomit when Bella hugged my mom, but considering she hugged everyone in the room but me, I knew it was mutual.

 **December 6th, 2007**

I ran over what I planned to say for the millionth time in my head. The actual act of taking my final had been finished several minutes ago, but I wasn't ready to leave the classroom yet.

Lucas and I had made a deal to wait outside in the hall for whoever finished last. He would be standing out there waiting for me and expecting to go get coffee like we did every morning.

Except this wasn't every morning. This was the last day of our class, and we had no classes together next semester. I'd checked.

It was the godsend I had been hoping for when I'd decided to ask about his schedule for next semester, not that he'd realized.

There had been an awkwardness that never quite left after our failure of a date back in October. Not that Lucas noticed. He had reverted to pretending the date had never happened from what I could tell, and that only frustrated me further. I felt strange being around him, and just like I had feared, that date had ruined any prospects of a friendship. He wanted to date me but didn't make a move because he knew I wouldn't respond well.

It annoyed me to no end if I was being honest. I was tired of watching him try to convince me that he would be the perfect boyfriend. That wasn't the point. I may have thought that was what I wanted months ago when the idea of a boyfriend had felt like nothing more than a mirage in the distance.

Now that I was here at school, I had realized I wanted to take time to explore. Experiencing new things was the reason I was here after all. And, yes, that would include dating eventually, but for now, I wanted to focus on meeting new people. Dating felt scary on a number of levels. Ones I hadn't thought about until the date with Lucas.

But Lucas was never going to see that. I'd become convinced recently, and I wasn't going to leave him with some desperate hope that I would want what he did.

I needed to… break up with him, I guess. If you can use that term for someone you're not dating.

He must have been watching intently for me to leave because, the second I walked out, he jumped up from where he'd been sitting on the floor.

"Hi," he greeted me. It felt unnecessary when we'd been talking to each other an hour before.

"Hey," I returned, more out of habit than anything else.

We stood across from each other in the hallway with me wringing my hands until another student tried to leave the classroom, forcing us to maneuver around to let them through. I was trying to smile, but I could see from Lucas' expression that he realized something was up. I guess the fact I hadn't immediately started heading down the hallway so we could go get coffee had been a good clue.

Maybe I should have done that. The coffee shop might have been less awkward than in this hallway. But then I would have had to either order it to go and given myself away or ordered it for there and then sat and drank it awkwardly. This was better.

"I have something I need to say," I started. It was a stereotypical "we need to talk" phrase, but it did the job.

"Okay." There was a hesitance in Lucas' voice, and I detected a hint of worry in his eyes.

"We won't see each other much next semester, but I think it might be better if we don't see each other at all. Maybe in hallways or something, but I don't think we should purposefully see each other. Like coffee and stuff like we do now. It's not a good idea."

I forced myself to stop with my word vomit and watched Lucas as he frowned at me.

"Okay," he repeated as if it were the only thing he could think to say. "This is because you know I like you, isn't it? We can still be friends-"

"No." I wouldn't let him finish that thought. "We can't. You've known for a long time now that I'm not interested in you that way. I know you have. And this still isn't working. Your feelings for me aren't going away, and I'm not going to want to date you, Lucas. I'm just not going to date anyone anytime soon. I don't think it would be smart to continue trying to be your friend when you're hoping for something else."

The situation reminded me too much of being forced to be around Sam when I didn't want to be. I'd had to get away from him to get over him, and Lucas deserved the same. No matter what he said, he'd move on much faster without me in the picture.

Lucas was still frowning at me. I could see him turning my words over in his head as he thought about what to say.

"Are you sure?"

I could hear the desperation in his voice, the fruitless hope that I would change my mind and declare I was interested in him after all. I just nodded.

Lucas let out a long breath. "Okay then. I guess that's that. I'll, uh, see you around. Maybe."

I nodded once more and inclined my head when he gave an awkward goodbye wave. I stood there in the hallway and watched him walk away until he had disappeared down the stairwell. Then I allowed myself to lean back against the wall to get my bearings back.

One more final. I still had one more final to get through today, and I already felt exhausted. That had taken too much out of me.

The exhaustion ebbed as I started to fill with relief. My friendship with Lucas had been such a struggle since the date that knowing I no longer had to deal with it had me feeling lighter.

I took in a steadying breath and pushed myself off the wall. I could take this final easily. I felt good. Like I could conquer the world.

 **December 12th, 2007**

Winter break should have meant a nice, relaxing few weeks before the next semester started, yet here I was with a crying girl on my couch because, again, I was the only one around to take her while her imprint was at school.

This was remarkably like the day before I started college. Was this what coming full circle felt like? Probably not.

Again, I had no idea what to do, so again, I let her sit there with her book and cry too much to read it.

I would like to say I had come to understand Nessie Cullen over the past year, but that seemed like a task that was impossible to accomplish. She grew and developed so quickly that new characteristics replaced old ones faster than any one person could keep up with. Except Jake. And maybe her parents, but I doubted it.

She'd had more warning this time, had known for months that her entire vampire family except her parents would be leaving, but that hadn't stopped any of her emotions over it.

In many ways, she was a five-year-old. Sometimes that was easy to forget.

"I looked up England online."

I jumped a little, not having expected Nessie to speak. I watched her as she wiped the remaining tears out of her eyes and gave a sniffle. I reached out for the remote and switched the television off, ready for her to continue.

"The weather seems like here," she said. "It rains a lot, according to the Internet. Sometimes the Internet's not right, Daddy says, but I think it was right. Lots of places said it rained."

"I've never been, but I've heard it rains a lot there too."

Nessie nodded. "It probably does then. If everywhere says so. They have deciduous trees instead of coniferous ones. That makes it look different."

And in some ways she was _not_ five.

"I talked to Aunt Rosalie on the phone yesterday. She says Momma, Daddy, and me can come visit after the rest of the family gets settled. She also said Jake could come even though she didn't sound happy about it. Momma said we'd go for a couple of weeks next summer, but that's still months away!"

"It won't be as cold," I pointed out in a useless attempt at cheering her up. "You can do more outside."

"The cold doesn't bother me anyway," she said dismissively before continuing on with her earlier train of thought. "Uncle Emmett doesn't like it there. He says there's nothing good to hunt. Just deer. Uncle Emmett hates hunting deer. They should come back."

And just like that we were back to the five-year-old again.

"They're not coming back, Ness. I'm sorry, but you know they moved for a reason. Someday, you'll move too. You can't stay in Forks forever when you don't age. Your family has been doing this forever, and they'll keep on doing it. Eventually, you have to accept it."

Probably harsh for a five-year-old, but I was exhausted from all the crying.

"I don't understand," she continued, erring on the side of petulance. "Why can't we just stay in Forks and tell everyone? What's the worst that could happen?"

Terrible, terrible things would happen.

"I bet people could get it if we just explained it."

"They wouldn't."

The words were delivered perhaps a bit too abruptly. I hated seeing Nessie's face fall as I said it. She needed to hear it though. She had to understand why it was important to disguise who she was. Otherwise, I could imagine some disastrous situation where she wasn't careful enough.

"You've never been around humans who don't know, Ness. You don't get how they would react. Trust those of us who do. We have more experience with this. You'll see it someday too. Telling isn't a good idea. It may suck, but it's a fact.

"Your family has to move, but you have forever, Nessie. You'll see them plenty in the future. Someday, you'll even live with them again, I'm sure."

Jake would be beyond thrilled about it.

"You have every right to be upset right now, but there's no way to fix it. The only way to make it better is to get over it, not change it. I swear it won't suck as much after a bit."

Nessie stared at me with wide eyes. I had no idea whether I'd said the right thing or not. It was more preachy than anything I would usually say, but it felt like what needed to be said. That wasn't normal for five-year-olds. Wouldn't they have lost interest not too far into that?

I had Nessie's complete attention, but I couldn't tell if she had taken it well or not. Her expression was too neutral.

"Ness?" I prompted, needing some indication from her.

She smiled hesitantly. The sadness wasn't gone from her eyes, but I could see that she was trying to appear happier.

"Thank you," she said, genuine gratefulness in her voice. "You're right that I should listen to you guys. I'm usually good about it, but I guess I just wanted to fix everything."

"Important life lesson: You can't fix everything. Not even close to everything."

She nodded, but I wasn't sure how well she was taking this in. I didn't even know what the limits for a normal five-year-old would be in a conversation like this.

Nessie looked over at the clock.

"Leah, can we watch _Magic School Bus_ , please?"

I shrugged and handed her the remote, letting her turn on her favorite TV show. Her favorite despite the fact she had to remind all of us which parts of it weren't real. I remember watching one day as Jake tried to explain to her the idea that some parts of the show were fiction but others were real. It had taken her a while to get it.

The tears disappeared from her eyes as she watched, and by the end of the episode, her usual smile was back on her face.

She'd be okay.

In fact, I had come to realize that we would all be okay in the end. We just had to force ourselves through the shit and put it behind us. It was a lot of work, but I think Nessie and I could both figure it out.

 **A/N: I want to thank absolutely everyone who read this story and especially the people who reviewed. It means a lot. As I said at the end of last chapter, there will be a sequel to this. I have everything outlined and know where it's going, but the story isn't written yet. That's my next biggest project this summer besides continuing to work on my original story. My hope is to start posting the sequel sometime before the end of summer. Hopefully sooner instead of later. While I tried to keep my focus with this story on Leah coming into her own on a personal level (getting some idea what she wanted to do with her life, feeling more comfortable in her skin, etc.), my plan for the sequel is to focus more on Leah's relationships with others, whether that's her friendships or potential romances. (More friendships at first though with any romance building up slowly.) If things go according to plan, there will probably be more focus on some big life happenings with other characters as Leah is also getting closer to certain characters and becoming more included in their life. I hope you guys will stick around to read it. 3**


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